anxiety runs through my veins
self-destructive thoughts swirl in my head
my hands tremble
tears blur my vision
bone deep loneliness sends chills down my body
I feel so alone
I text people
but it's all in vain
I get left on delivered
for hours upon hours
a heaviness settles in my chest
maybe they don't want anything to do with me
maybe they were pretending to be my friend
maybe I'm annoying them with my problems
maybe I'm nothing to them
tears spill down my face
I hold in my sobs
my phone taunts me
with the texts marked as delivered
I can't do this
I feel so alone
I feel like a burden
with all this overthinking

I am the only one left
And it seems like a mighty theft
Am I the only one that cares,  
When I feel nothing in the air?

When I sit alone,
Someone will ask, “Can I use this chair?”
Then carry it to another table
To laugh with friends over there—
Leaving me, still and silent,
Closed off like a clam.

I hold a pen
              It’s yours
It won’t write for me
Suit my hand
My words
My mood
Even if it did
                 I think memory
              Is best left within
Rather than releasing ink
That’s beyond written expression

Splinters from a dead tree, afloat at sea,
burrow into my neck,
jolting me awake at sunset,
reminding me that the thorns serve
to keep us looking to the horizon
for a softer place to lay.

Maybe life can drift. Maybe it can float by,
like wood that forgot it was part of a forest.
I too was torn from the forest,
adrift without the ones
who once held me steady.

But then,
in the blur of a mirage,
I’d land on pain’s shore.
And I’m sure
that life, out on that log,
was gentler than this:
fire ants, rocky beaches,
the carcass of a beached whale,
and creatures that never found their way
back to the sea.

I feel like I’ve taken drugs. I feel brand new. Everything is beautiful. I’m beautiful. Everything is connecting. I feel full of life. Words are overflowing. Thoughts are bright. I can see a future with purpose and passion. I know what I’m supposed to do! Is this what happiness feels like? A light on my face, a flame in my heart. I am ready to conquer the world. Yet something doesn’t feel right. I just can’t put my finger on it. I spin and spin and spin. Ignoring that feeling. Head up, staring at the clouds, soaking in the sunshine. I look over and see my love. He’s standing there, taking it all in, taking me in. I smile at him. He smiles back at me. A single tear rolls down my face. There’s that feeling again. This time a little stronger. “NO,” I shout, “this Will not be taken from me! I begin to dance, pirouettes, beautiful leaps, I am on fire. Nothing can take this from me! A sharp wind slices past me as I’m swirling, I stumble and fall. I look up and see that it wasn’t wind, it’s darkness cutting it’s way in. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I try to run. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I sit. Staring at the clouds again, soaking in the last bit of warmth I can. It’s inevitable. Darkness always wins. I just seem to forget it when I can see only light. I look around for my love. He’s nowhere to be found. I am alone. The darkness is moving in faster now. There’s only a sliver of light on my face. I open my mouth and swallow it. It is gone. Darkness now fully envelopes me. I curl into a ball and scream. Echoes. Silence. I close my eyes. Longing to find that light I had swallowed. Demons dance around me, shouting obscenities, telling me to **** myself….or is that my voice? I don’t know the difference anymore. Have I ever known the difference? I don’t know how long it’s been. I’m still here, lying on the floor. There’s something hitting me. I reach to hit it away. It’s a hand. I draw back and scream “LEAVE ME ALONE!”. The hand grabs mine. It pulls me up, wrapping arms around me. Someone whispers in my ear, “You’ll get through this. You always do. You are strong. I’m right here, always.” It’s my love! He found me! There we stand in the darkness and I am not alone. I was never alone.