i smile
but the man in the corner
begs to differ
so i cry
and he, in turn
smiles.

the floor is cold
as i sit naked on it
knees to my chest
crying, weeping for days

and the voices get closer
and it comes to a ******
and then i take my medication
and go to work

no more noise
no more men
i brought her home
but forgot my medication

i slipped up again
i answered their question aloud
she ran
i never wanted to scare her
i just wanted to love her
but she ran like all the rest

i stared at the door
and i saw him flash in the corner
i turn
but he is nowhere

so i beg them to come back
but there is silence
and nothing more

when the doctor tested my reflexes
he broke both of my knees
so now i walk at a crawl
and i struggle to start again

do you know the loneliness that resides within?
do you see the sadness tainting my gin?
do you feel the blackness of my sin?
would you let their darkened sorrow win?

of course you wouldn’t; you’re a warrior—
strong and tall in the face of adversity.
everything happens for a reason, you say,
and you believe in god.

all i want right now
is to be like you.
all i want right now
is to think like you.
all i want right now
is to be strong like you.

but, instead, i crumble.
i fall to my knees and mumble.
my thoughts run wild and i tumble
into the bowels of thunder that rumbles.

just when i want to get better
the thoughts come back to get me.

and now i am trapped
and i kiss Misery’s feet.

welcome to ana heaven
where people are collar bones
and thigh gaps are God

we are fragile, like petals
the only simile that saves me
from the harsh reality

i don’t look at you, i look through you
x-ray vision desecrates you
i don’t see you as human
i see bones

you are not thin yet, child
come with me, and it’ll be worth your while
or you collapse into the clouds
and god forbid, you fall back to Earth

stay in play land
where we live off tea and acid reflux

where we spit up food
and giggle like babies
at the sight of our malnourished bodies


give me ana heaven, sick skin
give me laxatives, stick thin

or i have nothing at all.

Frightful and paranoid
The fear begins to set in
But then I remember
There is no one outside
There is nothing within.

i opened my hand for you
and just as i thought you’d notice
you forgot that you left your book
in the hallway
away
from me.

i opened my eyes
to your silhouette
closing the door
without a single look back
at me.

i opened my mind to you

but i was far too cruel.

and come with me, baby
we will fade into obscurity.
the fog swirls with us
as we dance away from the sun

there is nothing more romantic
than death on a sunday night
i long to be right
to win a fight

i am trapped in a limbo
waiting, expecting
only to be put down
like a miserable puppy buried in the ground.

kiss me quickly
for our time leaves soon
and before you know it, it’s noon
and before you know it, you see the moon

monday morning and misery
but this is no regular apathy
this is a different kind, more gloomy
the sadness in my soul is more roomy

tell me, my lover
why must we live?
why must we suffer?



i have nothing more to give