there is so much tar in my life
I’ve been trying to fill myself with crystals
but all I’m getting is volcanic rock
slowly melting my every good intention
i remember when i told you  
that id die if i every treated anyone
the way you treated me
maybe thats why I’m dead inside
i treated myself the way you treated me
i lied to myself
i pretended to love what I’ve become
i pretended to not want someone else
and where has that gotten me?
nowhere
nowhere at all

tumbling
        tumbling
               tumbling

so far for so long, it feels like death will be soon to come.
       but my mind set has made me forget that
                 falling doesn't mean you're falling down the wrong path.

It's been 57 days since I sliced through my skin.
That's 8 weeks rounded down.
That's 1,368 hours.
That's 82,080 minutes
That's 4,924,800 ******* seconds that I'm just yearning to throw away for the peace of mind that I will never get by bringing a cold thin piece of metal to my already scarred skin...and I can't see a good reason not to.
I guess I'm not ok.
I guess I've broken, and I'm irreparable.
What. A. Surprise.

My brain might be drowning in alcohol and thoughts but I sure as hell can say even though you left you haven't left my mind. And I drank this whole bottle of ***** to try and wash you out but all it did was magnify how much I miss you. Ive tried just about everything but you're still in my head and I'm not in your arms.

I welcome death as one would welcome the morning sun.
Sadness fills my heart where joy once took its place.
Life is for dying and dying alone.
Living is a punishment in its entirety .

Well maybe it's just anxiety that makes me so terrified of death.. Like whenever I think about how someone was once living and is no longer alive and how they take a bit of everyone to their grave with them. And how it's so sudden and so quiet at times and others are planed and loud or loud and sudden or quiet and planed and how sometimes those are the most painful because you were prepared for and explosion but all you get is a lit candle.  Maybe I'm just scared of the uncertainty that comes with death like is there a god? Will I meet her? Is she as kind as everyone says? Or is she just as human as all of us? But maybe there's nothing, maybe it all goes black maybe you stay here and watch your own body decompose?maybe you don't? Maybe you live on with the stars and you become the sun of someone else's solar system, warming more hearts than you ever did when you were human... And what if you die twice like some people say. When your bodies dies and when the memory of you dies.  Or three times. When the person you love ceases to love you.Which is worse?

Death waits for me like the morning frost on my window.
My days start to feel shorter and more pointless.
Morbid things cross my mind.
There are no cliffs, tall buildings or bridges where I live.
Only ropes, razor blades, and guns.
I have decisions to make.
Find purpose in my life?
Go on breathing without living?
Or die do to my not so insane insanity.

Poem: you are the sunlight that seeps into the ballroom that I call life. Because with out you life would be dark and hazardous, and I wouldn't be able to see the beauty of the room its self. So stay a while, because I need you like sunlight needs something to shine on.

I mean I suppose I'm "better"
If by better you mean better at hiding it
Then yea I'm doing way better.
See, no one really seems to care anymore
No one seems to understand anymore
But I guess it's for the best because anyone Who understands would be able to relate to this and I wouldn't wish that on anyone not even my worst enemies.

cant you see?
i'm unsatisfied
with my existance

i dont know why
but i breathe
meaninglessly
aimlessly

i am a zombie

I FOR ONE CANNOT CONFRONT PEOPLE
BECAUSE I'M SCARED
I CANNOT DEFEND MYSELF
WITHOUT SHAKING TO THE CORE
I CANNOT TELL PEOPLE THAT WHAT THEY DID TO ME IS WRONG
BECAUSE I..AM.. anxious
ANXIETY RUNS THROUGH MY SOUL AND MY VEINS ALL AT ONCE
BUT " YOU AREN'T YOUR DISORDER ".CORRECT?
OH, BUT I AM BECAUSE
I AM ANXIOUS
THEREFORE I AM  ANXIETY

I ALSO CANNOT PROTECT MYSELF BECAUSE " I " MIGHT HURT SOMEONE
AND " I" MIGHT BE AT FAULT
BECAUSE PROTECTING MYSELF WOULD MEAN SOMETHING/SOMEONE IS ATTACKING ME  
AND THAT OF COURSE, IS MY FAULT

THE THING ABOUT ANXIETY IS, WHEN SOMETHING IS ATTACKING YOU, YOU ATTACK YOURSELF
BECAUSE YOU TRY TO FIGHT ANXIETY BUT
ANXIETY IS YOU
                          -a.a.e

I'm am  very contradictory

I Am a beautiful disaster
I am gasless smoke
I am an ice fire
I am lovingly hateful
I am aggressively playful

I am kknowledgeable confusion.
..it's best at its worst

I'm just surprised chest hasn't collapsed from all of the times I've had a racing heart
I'm surprised my eyes haven't floated out with all of these tears
I'm surprised my fingers haven't fallen off from my constantly shaking hands
I'm surprised I'm not in a mental hospital due to the fact that there are constant signs that I'm broken but no one seems to notice.

I had trouble breathing.
I forgot about you.
I was fine.
I remember you.
Then I died.

Nostalgia whispers softly into my ear
What a *******.
Thinking it can just control me with my own false memories ?

Dear, nostalgia
    Did you want me to beg?
Did you want me to plead?
   For those memories
That aren't even real.

I remember him loving me.
I remember being touched.
I remember looking into his eyes .
I remember feeling like I was enough.

These are false memories
They aren't really.
Please nostalgia give me a break.
These are things I do not wish to feel.

Depression is when you cry but you don't know why you're crying.
Depression is feeling like everything is going well only one minute of the day, and the rest of the day makes you feel like dying.
Depression is weakness in your body from forgetting to eat.
Depression is loud music to drown out your thoughts.
Depression is fear of not being able to get up in the morning.
Depression is fear of actually waking up and knowing you have to go on.
Depression is fear of losing everyone and everything you love.
Depression is breaking down whenever you are alone with your thoughts because you try your best to not let anyone see the darkness that you've got inside of you because for all you know it could be contagious and you wouldn't wish it upon your worst enemy.

I still want to rip my skin apart
because I miss you
but you don't miss me
and I want you
but I'm not good enough
I'm not of any importance
in your life
So why are you important to me?

did you hear them? did you hear what they said?
they said that you were gods gift to the world. that your words could break glass and shatter any feelings of numbness. they told me that you had tones like sedatives. addictive and the whole nine yards. you. you know just how to make someone stick around long enough to wonder what the world has In store.
because
your words
they are
beautiful
so brimming with hope for a better mind
that you have the power to turn the darkest of skies into a glimmering array of celestial bodies
and quite frankly I like to take the time out of my day just to admire such divinity
so thank you for being Devine

You told me you'd never leave  but situations change, obligations change, priorities change. People change. I am unchanging and that's why I'm suffering. The place that I'm standing has had many visitors. I am a land mark and you were one inspired tourist but you're a tourist for a reason. Many people are interested for a moment but they find better sites to see as if I'll be on display forever. And maybe that says something about the way I live my life, but that says something about everyone. We are different. Changing and unchanging.  Long lasting but never permanent.

proficiency is key
it is knowing that while we
merely live one lonely life
it should at least be lived with glee
so to say that you must leave
is to say that you must breathe
without the heavy burden
that society begs and pleads
for you to stay in place for it
and conform to its deadly needs
you must take the longer road
if you are willing to succeed

Here I am, writing about depression as if no one knows what it feels like to love the rush of living after almost drowning, but also fear it

Another "depression is" poem
Another "I'm getting bad again"
Another "I've cried myself to sleep seven times, this week"

But I have to admit, I will always miss my sleeping pill apologies and my blank stares into the mirror when my depression is gone

You asked me why I love you
I said I didn't know
But it's not that I don't love you
It's just that my mind is so full
of destruction that I feel like if I tell you
it might be too much for you to handle

I might break you with the weight of my heart because indeed my heart is heavy
My heart is a burden. Because it hold the past which is a burden in its entirety.

So I'm sorry that I did not have the words and I'm sorry if I made you believe
That my love for you
is non existent.

Darling it exists, and all too much.

I have got a question.
How do you tell someone you love them.
And not mean a single word of it?

How is that even possible.
If I did that.
I'd have burning hate for myself.
Because right then.
You just injected poison into someone's heart.



But the real question is.
Why.

Is it too hard for you to face me?
And tell me  that you in fact do not have passion in your heart devoted to me?
Because it would have spared me the scars and ****** wrists?

Raindrops hit my neck
In places you once kissed
The feeling of you still resonates through my bones.
Why can I still feel your touch, if you left a month ago.
I don't think you know what you did to me.
I'm not sure you're aware that at 4 am
I shake and shake and shake in withdrawal because I know you'll never touch me again.
My panics happen about twice a day now.  Because I blame myself for losing you.
You brought back the urge to encounter death.
Yet I Still love you.
No wonder you left, I'm an addict, a pain addict.
And you were my main supply.

We tend to forget that there were once trees when we lay our heads to sleep.

I guess i forgot to mention that
when someone breaks your heart
all the heartbeats that they gave you
get taken back tenfold
and sometimes it leaves you
empty
or close to death

It seems to me i have no place to be. Walking these wood why don't I just leave?Why should I turn back if that's not my home?
Desire and abandonment is what I call my throne.
Flowers, birds, butterflies, and more if I go back I'll only want more.
To be free is what I truly need.
And if home isn't my place then where can I be?
I'll live In the woods and build my own home.
Cherish the forest where for now on I shall roam.

two minutes until 4 a.m
i have the strong urge to find a razor blade
i also want to cry about everything and nothing
i have a meeting with depression at 4. am every morning
im never late and i never take a raincheck
you could say i'm a devoted client
or that i'm addicted either way im still sad...

sometimes we meet during the day when i'm deep in my thoughts it stops by just to check if i'm ok and if i am it makes sure to fix that

depression recommends that i find a gun and put it to my head
it says "its for the best" ..."it will make people happy "
and i swear to god that is all i want
..to make people happy
and my existence isn't doing that

My mother died 3 years ago.
I honestly don't feel like she's dead.
I feel like this is some sick joke being played on me, and I'm just waiting for the cameras to show. Like how can someone so important just be gone? It doesn't seem possible. But either way she is gone and I miss her and I want her back but there is absolutely nothing I can do and that is what kills me the most.

YOU HAVE A LIMITED
AMOUNT OF HEART BEATS
WHEN YOU FALL IN LOVE
YOUR HEART SKIPS A BEAT
SO, THAT MEANS
EVERY TIME I FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
ALL OVER AGAIN , YOU ARE SAVING ME
YOU MAKE ME FALL IN LOVE
ALL THE TIME
NOT ONLY WITH YOU
BUT WITH THE SKY
THE FLOWERS
THE AIR
YOUR EYES
I FELL IN *LOVE *
WITH THE FACT
THAT YOU'RE *MINE
SO THANK YOU
*FOR SAVING ME

I'm back with because I have a little more motivation since I'm feeling extra suicidal so cool , right? ... Pain is art... Art is pain..

I'm not a poet, I am simply a lost cause.
I am not a poet, I am the death that comes with life.
I am not a poet, I am lost motivation.
I am not a poet, I am the sadness that brings depression.
I am not a poet, I am me and that's terrible enough.

Time passes by so fast

That i can't catch my breath

      And i know i shouldn't ask to be saved

               But I can barely breathe

       And the world is asking me to run
        faster.

When I told you I love you it was not an ok to destroy me.
Love is not a synonym for "please **** me " it is uncoded it is pure and unhidden.
When I told you I love you I didn't mean I wanted to burn.
Because being with you only brought me hell.
When I told you I love you I simply meant that you are everything I think about when im daydreaming
You were  the reason I woke up in the morning
You were the reason my life had meaning.
But not anymore
You are the reason I can't get out of bed
You are what I think of in nightmares
You are the reason my life seems so  meaningless.

That is a poem in itself, i'm just done with life.

I am tired, so tired of breathing the same depression polluted air. I can no longer breathe without exhaling razor blades, they cut my throat just like when i say your name. I told myself that my thoughts weren't devoted to you but they are starting to be and how I predicted this summer would be sweet. .it is bitter with the taste of your lips and the cigarettes that you smoked. I have fallen. Not for you but for sadness, for the razor blades, panic attacks, the thoughts of death and all the rest.  I'm not saying I'm in love with it...I'm saying I'm in love with the fact that it replaces you. Because surely that is what I deserve.

This is not to say that i don't still look at peoples wrists or that i finally know why i'm here
its not to say that i like that you have scars on your wrists but that i find comfort in knowing that you won't judge me because you understand what it feels like to be attacked by your thoughts and have them wreak havoc on parts of you that only come out when the moon does and how sometimes you lie to your friends because you know they care but you tell yourself they don't
because it makes you feel better without feeling too good
in the sense that you know sadness is an addictive trait and you know better than to let it consume you but you let it anyway because it makes you feel more human
and this is to say i know that you wont judge me when i say even after all the warmth i still prefer the rain over the sunlight.

I think I want to end it.
But I dont.
Its very confusing when you don't know whether you want to live or die.
Some people want control.
I just want meaning.
If you give me meaning or a reason to live, and maybe a hug or two maybe i'd be ok.
And its crazy how something so simple could save my life but no one is willing to give it to me.
That shows how much i'm needed here.
I know I shouldn't want anyone to save me because superheroes don't exist but i was taught to use my imagination but that led me to be misguided and now for some reason i expect reality to be a fantasy and my fantasy to be a reality.

so...

life?
or death?

Both seem nice to me, i don't know which i should choose.
For now i'll just die slowly with no recognition of the rest of the world.

As i lay these flowers
On my death bed
I go over the lines
I have not yet read
Heaven or hell
Is where I shall go
And these last few days
Many do not know
I've been planning death
my death has been planned
My light will soon  fade
As blood drip down my hand
I'm sorry to say
That I must leave
Do not beg
And  please do not plead
For my return
Because we all know
Today is the day
That I must go.

I live for the days where I'm awake at 4 am and I'm not crying
I live for the days where I'm not contemplating death
I live for the fact that yea I'm a bit anxious **** that's a good thing because you make me happy.
I live for the moments that I get to talk to you.  
I live for the moments that I feel wanted.
I live for you.

I think love and music are very alike.
When you first heard your favorite song
You fell in love with it, you played it over and over again.
Love is the same way.
You fall in love and it's great but then someone gets tired because it's all the same and then you search for a different melody.

You change the station.
..You find a new lover.

At first it felt like it was too soon, but then I realized love doesn't really know time. It has no eyes to view a clock, nor does it have ears to hear its perpetual tempo. It only has feelings. Feelings of longing, feelings of trust, and feelings of hope. Feelings that time can not affect. And of course love knows no distance, but distance is very fond of love. You see love is a tricky thing. Love knows it's difficulties. Love knows that if it wants to it can make you lose sleep, it can make you forget your pain, it can even make you forget your own name if it wanted to, but most of all it can make you fall in love and forget the burden of distance.
To love someone from a distance might be the most difficult thing I've ever done but I think it's also the most important thing I've ever done. I've never been this proud of my decisions.

do you know what it feels like to have all of the love leave your body?
it a slow numbing sensation in your chest. all of your memories of anything good or worth living for start to fade.
its a defense mechanism.
it releases its self from you grip when there is a risk of losing it forever
it finds shelter
preserves it's self for your better days
if there are any left.

Maybe just a scratch
Maybe just a cut
Maybe just a ****
Wow,ok, that's a lot of blood
Tears burn my eyes
The blood continues to flow
Maybe write a letter
How about a note
Death starts to linger
Mr.grim wears his coat
Maybe say I love you
It's totally not your fault
I was just a burden
The clipping of your wings
I'm no longer a burden
I've gained my own wings
Now I'm in heaven
Or as you call it hell
Heaven is a lie
I wish I was there to tell

Some days I look at my wrists and think it's almost over the scars are almost gone I've almost won...but then the blade calls me back for a reunion and you know how you can never turn down your old friends. ..becasue they were the ones there for you when no one else was but they also left you alone when things got too hard to handle

So tell me dear, is it okay with you if I worry about you?
Do I have your consent to cry over you at 4 am in fear of losing you?
Do you mind if I let my anxiety boil in my veins just because I'm a little paranoid that you don't love me?
Do I have your permission to skeptisize our relationship?
Am I right?

What can you expect?
Poetry comes from the heart.
And the heart is vulnerable.

We live in a world of lost souls and unfulfilled dreams.
Poetry just helps us stay here physically
Because we cant always be here mentally, emotionally,or spiritually.
Poetry is the reason i'm still alive.

Wow, I'm alone. Maybe not physically but I am alone.  The most alone that anyone can possibly be I'm surrounded by breathing bodies but Im not sure if they're even real.  Now that I think about it, I'm not even sure if I'm real. Maybe none of this is real. Maybe it's a nightmare.

It’s that moment when you realize he didn’t really love you and he DIDN’T actually want to be with you when you say to yourself he only "loved ” you out of pity, because in reality he was in love with someone else and now everything that crosses your path somehow reminds you of him and your wrists are stained permanently because you thought it would be the only way to get rid of him without hurting anyone important but instead those memory filled scars only remind you of him because he is the reason behind them after all, but you blame yourself, because these days everything is simply your fault and you sit here and question yourself "where did I go wrong , what should I have changed to make my life more bearable” and you cry because you miss it but you don’t know what part of it you miss you cry because you think you ****** up and you cry because when you cry there’s a million and one things to cry about and you hear"oh wow you guys would be an amazing couple" and you try not to cry because you’re scared he will be disgusted by the thought of you, and you try not to cry mostly because there are people around ….you try not to cry because you don’t want anyone to know you’re broken…but you’ve failed already…you’re not even thinking silently anymore you’re screaming it for the whole world to hear. …