here's to a package of
Marlboro Reds
in the hands of
someone other than
the Marlboro Man
standing in
for those slack-jawed outlaws
my heroes now lack jaws
tongues
lungs

I swear it's been too long
since I inhaled manhood
The Great Darrell Winfield
rolled
packed
and filtered
into the only thing I know
that makes a man a man
the essence of
cowboy boots and farmer's tan
in every drag

see, I inhale my heroes
all the dusty red-necked
cowboys
Darrell Winfield
and my dad
men whose lives
went up in smoke
to coat my throat
in my own self-righteousness
I'm frightened this
is all that I'll have left
of him
lung cancer
and the lingering stench
of cigarettes

he always smelled
of cigarettes

he'd pull me into these
firm embraces
he held so long
that he'd suffocate me
in tacky business
and cigarette smoke
masked only
faintly
by a poor man's
cologne
still I breathed him in
until I'd start to choke
it was too much man to handle

my grandpa told me
“smoking doesn't send you
straight to Hell,
but it sure does make you smell
like you've already been there”

he was
a grown man
cursing
crying
lying
dying by himself
trying to drown out the inferno
with a case of beer
but sobriety finds you sometime
and I'd rather suffocate in cigarettes
than lose him altogether

and even if he smells like Hell
at least that means he made it back

if all I was supposed to be
in your life
was an extra
I would happily pass you
on a street corner
if that meant I was somehow a part of your life
but I am more than that
to you
and you are more than that
to me

we are both heroes
of different epics
striving toward different goals
who have lifted each other up
rather than simply passing each other
on street corners
you didn't just serve me coffee
I didn't just catch your eye
we are more than that
whatever that means

and I love you
it is strange I should say so often
'I love you'
but it is my
constant reminder of
intelligence
superlative ability
and camaraderie
we are neither military men nor animals
we are the rewards of our labor
you of mine
and I of yours

oh darling
it is you who cries too often
and leaves nothing inside herself
it is you who purges
sweat
and blood
and *****
to the gods of self and society
sweat and blood and *****
to void and nothingness

grinning insanity of grief
cries to know and chooses not to
it is pain that you know
and pain that won’t release you

do not forget the heat of what fills your *******
your arms
your genitals
your sweat is burning
your blood is burning
***** burning
it is hell inside

empty your hell to me my love
empty your hot and heavy
loaded words and baggage
neverending flow of **** and ****
neverendingneverending
you are full of fire
and the molten gods of self-sacrifice
refuse to relinquish you
to holy happiness

empty your hell to me my love
I will cool your brow
with lips and hands and water
I will wash you in my love
I will know you with new love
I will fill you with
this serenity
that you can
empty
into
me

cool the fires of fear
and pain and loss and betrayal
with new fires of passion
that are exuberant acts of ecstasy
we are human after all
- only human
and holy holy holy to each other

this is what we are
beings filled with fire
molten images craved
even worshipped
created by gods
to serve as successors
we must stitch ourselves together
and quench this hell with heaven
a reclamation of scars
and scar tissues
we may build our own city
entirely of gold

metaphors are
rubber bands
we may extend them
as much as we like
we may shoot them
at our classmates
we may impress
our professors
with the shapes
we can contort
them into
but the more
we extend them
the more we
wear them out
and its very possible
that with all of our
stretching and extending
we could render
our metaphors
useless
*snap

there once was a turtle named Otto
who called all the Mexicans "vato"
but now he's in heaven
choir turtle eleven
with a rather nice little vibrato

inside me are organs
inside my cells are organelles
inside me are organelles
they are mine
they are me

they are composed of atoms
they are composed of protons, neutrons, electrons
protons are mine
they are me
neutrons are mine
they are me
electrons are mine
they too are me
electrons and mitochondria and kidneys
are me
I am me

bone comprises skeleton
marrow comprises bone
bone and skeleton are me
marrow too is me
I feel this in my self
I feel this in my bones
bone feels this in my marrow
bone and I share marrow

little birds work their way up her neck
as if her ear would give them
the rest they deserve
their colors are fresh
ink is set
clearly their flight
has not been long enough
to make them fade
vibrant
but hidden by hair
not quite long enough
to obscure them
just long enough
to give them shade
from time to time

I long to give those birds
the rest they deserve
to lend them my lips
as a momentary resting place
on countless occasions
in the years to come
I long to give them hope
to show them that their flight
their constant motion
is unnecessary
and that it is ok
for them to settle down

she calls it
the BIG V
a ****** name
tasteless
but accurate
it is
BIG
very
B
I
G
stretched out
used
sold for such
a low price
*****
*******
*****
****
****** deviant
not exactly
a role
model
not some
saint
by any means.
I've seen it.
perhaps I will
never have
***
if other women
look like that
vaginas
like gaping holes
holes so large
it makes your
*****
seem superfluous
a thin branch
against a muggy
night sky
"did you bring
protection?"
she asks
I can only imagine
why she should
ask me that
am I in danger?
what monsters lurk
in that
bottomless cavern?
I want no part
in this expedition
I do not want to go
spelunking

to live a life so brief as this
and beg for less
is to acknowledge
that life must be beautiful
or else death take its place
rendering the body immaterial
the soul inconsequential
only the circumstances remaining
to form a memory
of our brow-beaten brothers
who felt for so long and hard
that their passionate resistance
of oppression
became nothing

soft spoken kisses
buried in my neck and
across my face
remind me of happiness
joy I found
in a golden shock of hair
and two lips stuck red
on the face of a woman
who swore that she loved me

tight tight nights
of hold-me-close sensations
remind me that
I haven't always been alone
and even more
that I don't always have to be
but I am
touching skin to skin
and passing witty banter
for flirtation
takes our minds off
the fact that we aren't
each others soul mates
or lovers
or anything more than friends

we are distractions
from the painful reality
that we have no one
to pour ourselves into
no one to cradle
no one to ****

for just this moment
we pretend
we can be that for each other
supplying what we can
to keep up with demands
of love
affection
attention

after all
that's what friends are for

Don’t lose yourself to the way that
You think that they want you
I keep being people that are unlike
The ones that were once me
And I’m not made that happy
By things, fun, or people
In a couple rotations
I’ve lost myself
And become something new
To become something new again

When they come back around
And you know they’ll come around
Will they see me standing there
Or will I be on the move
There’s a circle to run in
But I can’t just keep running
When the way gets familiar
And I stop looking cool
I have to change
That’s okay. That’s okay I guess
I’m reborn in new action
I’ll just do something else

You have to live with it
Whatever you do
Well that’s life for you
You have to handle it
You’re being destroyed
By the things you choose to
Make decisions for you
But it’s not who you are
No, you don’t have to be
What you’re doing today

I  just can’t stay still
And I can’t keep pace
Just to spiral
I have to change

the first free minutes of the day find me
scrambling for the lighter that will ensure my
good standing with a
young and dumb, restless addict
of the two-years-older-than-me generation

her cigarette hangs limp from her lips
waiting for the fire that I promised her
I had to offer
eyebrows arching
fingers followed by toes tapping
in an anxious less-than-patience

so I fumble through the pockets of my jacket
tapping fingers into gum packets
doing what I can to keep from laughing
at the whole
****
thing

until at last I find the lighter
for the babe who's smoking Marlboros
and says she doesn't care who knows
that she smokes cigarettes

You actively procrastinate
Most everything you do these days
You really can’t put this off
To live instead of
Dying - as the one ambition you achieve
Why -
Should this be the one project
You actually complete?
Ambition ought to carry us toward something
Sure -
We could carry ourselves toward death
But we say that as nothing
To aim to achieve to be nothing
Enticing
Of course - to bereave ourselves of ourselves
Once and for all
And forego the work
Though we chose it
And choose it again
Choose it again

Okay, you want to live again
Same question as before:
What for?

I know you’re asking me

Of course I’m asking you -

You see I’m also asking me
Because I’ve answered this before

You’ve also given reason why you shouldn’t

Well, I wasn’t asking you
I’m asking me
And I’ve done a lot of things
I always thought I wouldn’t

But now getting back to me

Of course
It’s always about me

It is

I know
Sometimes I just get bored exploring
“What is wrong with me,” or
“What might make me want to live”

I think there must be some reason

I think there must be some reason

Even you?

Of course you would, but still I wonder

Yes, I wonder

So what for?

Much the problem with connection
If only tethered by affection
Or some pleasurable action -
If there is no obligation
Without pleasure or affection
Should I not just altogether
Discontinue interaction?

I have wondered

I have wondered

There’s continued interaction

And still
Much of it is pleasant
But this isn’t necessarily
Sufficient reason for existence

So you, ask

As if you would rightly know

To be, with reason
It might be said then
Is something beyond you

And beyond me

I think so too

But still
Some reason ought to do-
Regardless if it’s me or you
To think of it

I have to choose

So anything?

Not anything

Then anything that comes to mind?

There must be joy
That we can find in what we do
If I can say what ought to motivate us
You
Or me
Or I
Or somehow us together
Living to enjoy the being
Doing not to cement or gain
Or fight so often
Being for the light and wind
That make clouds, trees, and grass dynamic

For the wind again
For the flight it makes possible

Yes
Even birds could not be what we hope to see
Without unseen
Often unappreciated
Natural forces that peak our interest
Only because of some spectacle

And there is much spectacle

the culmination
of passion - disappointment
and ***-stained bedding

you are the lit tip
of one cigarette pressed
against another
you are the reason
I burn

five o'clock on Sunday night
we down two bottles of pink ******* wine - classy
Jesus Christ applauds our dedication to his
"this do in remembrance of me" mentality

after four ******* hours of straight communion
we are one with the universe
praying only for security in something
“don't judge me,” she says “don't judge me,”
we've reached that point

we found ecstasy in dizziness - in daydreams
sure enough, we found there was
some kind of magic quality
inherent in these substances
that we were guaranteed to abuse

but it seems we must have been
the worst of marksmen
because I know we matched each other
shot for shot that night
and never once made contact
**** that

we went from being worshiped to ignored -
untouchable
like the ******* gimps of the Hindu caste system
**** Karma
what did we do to be so low?
it didn't make good sense
so we just kept drinking
because that's the only thing that did

sleeping while there's sun
makes me feel like a vampire
waiting for nightfall

I love that Jewish ****
I know it’s better than whatever ****
That you’ve been gettin’
It’s Israeli and it’s rarely being used *****?
Just look at you *****
You spent an hour in the shower
Feeling useless
Until you had the realization
That the water’s lubrication’s
Even worse than when you use spit

You know, I’m all about the Benjamins
But I’m chilling on the Abrahams

That’s a little too hasidic
For a person who’s obsessively
Collecting all the circumcised
Erections in this city

‘Cause he’s orthodox, get it?

down from the sky
came Jesus Christ
robed in glory
framed in all that
is holy
holy and unholy
****
corruption of society
cried for forgiveness
take us to your glory
let us in your *****
love us
like you love your own
oh God
we are hopeless
desperate
and depraved
wicked sinners
as you have called
for us to be
who are we to live
in righteousness?
that is not our place
our place is in Hell

down from the sky
in a blaze of glory
came Jesus Christ
our Lord and Saviour
with flaming sword
and no forgiveness
a burning hatred
for a wicked world
condemning them
to eternal damnation
in a lake of fire
as they screamed
take us
oh God
into your *****
forgive us our sins
and accept our
adoration
inspired by fear
as it may be
and all went black
and darkness prevailed
but for the light
of the fury of Christ
as we
a lost and dying world
desiring whatever
redemption
we thought he had to offer us
were destroyed
were cast away
and forgotten

down from the sky
came Jesus Christ
with hope and love
and grace and forgiveness
for those
he had predestined
to accept his hope and love
and grace and forgiveness
and he
watched
and he laughed
and he let the world
burn

press your hand in mine
tight enough to feel you there
loose enough to breathe

cowboys without
mustaches are just dusty
illiterates. yeehaw!

the moon can wink
I swear it's true
at least I think
it winked at you
I wish the sun
could wink as well
but on the sun
it's hot as hell
and with that heat
his eyes are closed
and cannot open
I suppose

remarkable love
death to depression I sing
wings do grace me still

there's something to being happy
smiling with all twenty-eight pearly whites
laughing so hard
that our abs begin to burn
hiccuping
and choking
and crying
as we tend to do
looking away every time our eyes meet
and giggling to ourselves
because we know it's not that funny

it's that feeling of euphoria
an abnormal feeling of
buoyant vigor and health
a feeling we cannot control
but we welcome that helplessness
because we know it can't last forever
and no matter who we pray to
or what we say
or what we accomplish
we only have this moment
to feel the way we do

We've got a long way to go to knowing one another
And after every second something has changed
Whether the people you cared for are who you’re still there for, or not
My faith in you comes from who you are with me

I’ll spend my time with you indefinitely
I want to go back through all the things
That I tell people I love
And when I share them with you
You might know me better
At least a little bit more than before
At least a little bit more than before

I’m not secure in how I say who I am so
Your judgment of my character’s important to me
We’ll watch some television made for children of our generation
Despite our dedication, we’re only as mature as our shows
I love you and these, so here you go
I love you and these, so here you go

I’m so enamored with your passion for living, it’s like I
Didn’t know what living was before you explained
But now I’ve got a couple hobbies
Thank you for the suggestion
You probably could take some credit
But you're not here to claim
Anything
Any part of who I am today

I get to say which part of you stays up inside of my head
I get to say which part of you stays up inside of my head
I get to say which part of you stays up inside of my head
And what I share with my friends

I’ll spend my time with you indefinitely
I want to go back through all the things
That I tell people I love
And when I share them with you
You might know me better
At least a little bit more than before
At least a little bit more than before

smiles fade
into empty couch
cushions
late nights
talking about
the future
reduced to
the idea
that change
is only
natural
gum wrappers
litter the floor

     "would you like
      a piece?"

perhaps
but offers
made on winter
nights hold
no
relevance
now the sun
exists
burning my eyes
as I roll off
the couch
the impression
of that
emptiness
clinging to
half of
my face

are streetlamps heaven or hell?
I walked beneath dozens tonight and each held
maybe hundreds of moths. assorted insects
found the light they sought after and died
from the intensity of its glow.
is it heaven they found or hell?
it consumed them. it was everything they could hope for,
and it consumed them. brilliant lights burning
above them gave them hope of a better place.
are they in a better place?
I can't help but wonder. they don't look happy,
but nothing looks happy
when it's trapped in a cage,
burning up bit by bit.

you can do that whenever you want to
and you probably will
if just to prove you can

activities you love are still worth loving
and you realize that
your appreciation of
ice cream and literature
while shared with her
is uniquely yours

separate from her and your love for her

love everlasting
everfeeling. unending
a burning desire
a passion. heated
if only it lasted
but wasted instead
because we were silent
in love. yet. so lost
we fight. we forget
nevertheless
we die

We were
People of another caliber
Not so
Concerned with things like college algebra
Still we
Had to pass our finals so we’d
Meet up
For about an hour to study
But when I got to your place
It was the look on your face
The only question I got to
Was

Where should I put
My hands on you
Where should I put
My hands on you

We went
Out to grab a cup of coffee
And we
Talked about our thoughts on philosophy
I was
Partial to more modern theory
But you
Still seemed to be hung up on Socrates
But as you waved your arms around
Your point was proven and I found
I ought to ask you what to do
So

Where should I put
My hands on you
Where should I put
My hands on you

open air is cold
youthful love embraced for heat
hearts are not quite warm

I was looking for words
on the day that you left me
I'd been looking for words
for a while by then
and I guess you expected
that saying you'd leave me
would spark some epiphany

but you left me exactly the way
that I was
speechless
and searching for words
that would fix everything but
nothing was perfect enough

and hours
to days
to weeks of thinking it over
left me standing there
speechless
with nothing to say to you

but that was the reason
you left in the first place
I couldn't stick *******
two words on a line

I couldn't speak
love
into existence
I couldn't speak
passion
I couldn't feel
life

and when words finally came
they came
one
at
a
time
first came
****
and then
*******
I guess two was enough

water droplets mean
nothing to windshield wipers
one swipe and they're gone

Saturday mornings growing up
my mother made me clean the bathroom

. windex . bleach
. scrub brush . rags
. mop . bucket . broom . dustpan
. lots of paper towels

she insisted I clean the bathroom
every Saturday morning
before I did anything else
with absolutely no chance of an allowance
she paid me plenty she said

. shelter . food . clothing
. television . internet . video games
. books . some sort of education

not to mention

. life

“do it because you love me”

so waking up Saturday
meant cleaning the bathroom

it meant my hands reeked of chemicals
while my friends enjoyed games I couldn't join
it meant I missed the best of all
the cartoons everyone else watched
it meant I didn’t feel like loving my mother

for years I begrudgingly

. scrubbed . wiped . cleaned

that bathroom
until it sparkled - until it shined
like the top of the Chrysler building

. sink . mirror
. toilet . tub
. floor

all of it spotless
love you mom

then in college
there's this woman that I'm living with
this woman that provides me with

. shelter . food . clothing
. television . internet . etc.

and she makes me feel alive
so I clean her bathroom
and when she asks me, “why?”
all I can think to say is

“I did it because I love you”

and it feels like that's the truth

my heart is unreliable
my temperament
suddenly unpredictable
I am sad
and angry
so lost and alone
in a recognizable
but unpitiable way
it is too universal
it can happen
if we all must suffer
the same
then we all have to cope
right?
and we can’t be the first ones
to hurt like we do
and we aren’t likely
to come up with something
completely new
at least we knew
some common knowledge
just common for us
or whatever, whichever us
is the right us for you
and if also for me
wonderful to hear

Instead of ******* her I ****** my hand
While the time she said I’m cute
Played on a loop in my head
I didn’t think it’d be appropriate
If I just started groping her
It’s more like I forgot how to ask
Do you want -
To do it!
We're not romantically involved
I hardly know her at all
Are things too casual for casual ***?

I’m not sure if I can do it for real
Like I can do in my head
So I’ll just stay there instead
Where we’ll experience some pleasurable
Moments at my leisure
Is it possible she could remember
Things I pretend?

I’m just saying
If she’s in front of you
Then you should try making moves
On her
Instead of yourself
You’ve got a lot more
Going for you
Than you might think
So you’ve gotta
Do what you can
Not to feel this anxiety

And go
Just go
Go and put yourself out there

they can say what they want about us
but while the snow may be cold
our hearts are warm
our socks are thick
and our jackets make us look obese
the thing that makes it great
is the fact that we don't care
because the snow
gives us a chance to play God
we simply lie on our backs
and make angels

drip drops through my mind
freezing and thawing to
expand my perception

I hope someday
to be the trees
I saw just out the window

they'd grown together
twisted fondly
trunk caressing trunk
branches tangled in each other
making it impossible
to know which branch
came from which tree

I knew there were two
separate trees
but they were one

they were dependent
on the same resources
their food and water
came from the
same ground
they were rooted
in the same foundation
each needed the other
to stay standing
so they supported each other

and while they weren't
the largest
or even the most beautiful
trees around
they were strong enough
to serve their purpose

and it was obvious
that they would be there
at least a little while longer

it would be nice to
be French - no one would expect
you to be friendly

silence in the skies
plumage floats in little tufts
great cat stalks away

Drugs are ******* great man
Do another line
Or take a hit
Or take a sip of something
There’s enough available to us
That’s legal - or not
That freaking out is overkill

To those availing themselves
Of chewables or smokeables
Or pills or anything prescribed
By labcoat-wearing, overeducated
Pharmaceutical-reps
Masquerading as the answer
That you found yourself
By diving into forums on the web
Your doctor both agrees with
And now disavows

They can’t allow
This kind of undermining
Of the underpinning
Of their industry
And of what’s keeping people healthy

Even only as a byproduct
Of confirmation bias
They cannot acknowledge
If we want to be respected
In this new environment

In which our personal experience
Is more true than the objective
Information taught to more than like
One million doctors

I tasted just a little bit of *****
as I drank another cider
after ******* in the mint in the front of my house
now, given, I was smoking a spliff
and coughing my *** off
but ******* it tasted mostly of the
three-star chicken Pad Kee Mao
I ate some hours earlier and just barely
of my peanut m&m dessert

I pressed my head against your chest
To listen to the compression

                                           Papillary muscles
                                           Beating at irregular tempos

                                                         ­                  Papillary muscles
                                                         ­                  Beating at irregular tempos

I pressed my head against your chest
Your heart beat out a confession

                                           Keeping up with you is
                                           Both exciting and exhausting

                                                     ­                   Keeping up with you is
                                                              ­          Both exciting and exhausting

                                                     ­                                                              Hey!

                                           But I don’t want to
                                           Slow things down

                                                           ­                                     As if you could


Arrhythmia
When things just don’t line up

                                           Now the blood’s begun to rush
                                           But you’re unavailable

What’s coming next for us

   Can’t being friends                                                   Being friends can’t        

                                           Be enough

                                                         ­                                       Well it has to be

passive indulgence
over, under, and again
never dying down

Do you feel the strength?
In your birdlike chest and your bloated stomach?
The urge to glut yourself on beer and vittles.

Chips and guacamole.
*******. This is delicious.

But what should we do - Eat
Or should we abstain in
The middle of the night?

I’ve had a few beers since
The couple margaritas,
But I have no chance stopping
‘Til the shows have ended.

There’s more I need to know.

I love the arch that's in your toes
That tension in your metatarsals
Makes me want to jump your bones
Before we even make it home

After dancing in the dirt
Spending hours kicking dust clouds
You’ve got your shoes off in the van
You’re either filthy or you’re tan
I want to crack your little toes

I want to
crack crack crack crack gasp
In the back of the van
With Hannah Hammertoes
I want to give her release
I think I’ll start with her feet
I don't want there to be tension anymore

Your skin is melting onto mine
We're making puddles on the bench seat
You could have shifted to the side
Instead of pressing up against me

You look ahead and then behind
Not much to see but other cars now
I know there’s other people here
But will they really think it’s weird
If they can see me crack your toes?

I want to
crack crack crack crack gasp
In the back of the van
With Hannah Hammertoes
I want to give her release
I think I’ll start with her feet
I don't want there to be tension anymore

Them again
Hooting and hollering
On the block
I can’t believe
I’m bothered by
Their confidence
It’s like they’re
Mocking me
Just for trying to exist
And they’re calling me a *****
Maybe I’m a *****

But I don’t like being in public
I don’t like being in public
Unless I’m making money
Or I’m spending money

There is a self
that is my self
but not just mine
it is us all
and in that all
I will meet you