it's all cracked just a bit
the fractures are splitting open
at first slowly
but now they're coming apart
as fast as an earthquake
gushing out from my walled up heart
into the open.

it's all burst and here i am
waiting for the waterfall to end,
for the day when only
the smell of the rain will remain.

- petrichor

your soul is scattered
while mine contained
you bare your heart out
and love everyone with all that you can
while i am friendly and kind
but too afraid to love the people i care about
fearful that they'll hurt me.

i need to be more like you
more brave and fearless
i need to take the chances
i need to appreciate the sun on my face
not hide in the shade
accept the heat and the pain.

it's time to live my life and let it hurt me
i surrender.

i'm ready to scatter my soul.

they say that repetition allows something to lose meaning. i can see how this might be true with some things. after a while, sunsets become meaningless, homework becomes tedious, life is just a chore after chore after chore after chore, it's simply a bore.
but i cannot see how the constant sound of your soft snores and how tracing the galaxies on your back could ever tire me. how could seeing the star-bright shining of your eyes paired with your sweet smile ever stop making me feel as if breathing the fresh air is a gift, that feeling anything so deeply is nothing but a miracle?
i can see how moonlit nights and crashing waves are a thing of beauty that nature chose to put -like you- into this tricky thing called life.
life...
is a funny thing. it will fill you with sadness, heartbreak, hope, love and euphoria. it will hand out war and famine and death and it will stop your breath to the point where you never thought the smell of smoke would be sweet, it will make your bones ache from holding the weight of the world up.
never stop thinking that each sunset is a reminder of the coming day where you can experience everything again and again and again. until you realise that repeating is just repetition if you don't allow each soft snore to go by without a content sigh at the sight of pure peace that lies before you. if you allow each sunset to fall by in a blur of reds and purples and pinks without noticing the feeling of bewilderment that washes over you at the sight of nature's colour palette and art show every night.
i'll tell my little one that nature painted every star in the sky to watch over them so they'll never fear the nighttime and revel at each nights new canvas. their eyes will shine to see what each night has stroked across the sky for them and they'll sadden when they hear of the tale about the moon and how it gave half its breath to the sun so it could shine but because of that they could never meet again, always missing each other by just a whisper of time. i'll hold their hand and tell them no matter what life gives out that they never ever forget that
"your shadow is there to tell you that you're real and days will pass in repetitions of rising suns and falling moons, of clouds and constellations. it's just a matter of how you allow those sunsets to sail by, of how you let that war and famine cry for help. life, every day, is a repetition. it's just a matter of how you let your life repeat.

my hand was shaped
scraped and damaged
just so it would be ready
to fit perfectly with yours

the bends and curves
the scabs and calluses
they all mould together
to the most perfectly imperfect
shape i've ever seen

one day i took a red string and started tying it up around my room. when it was done, i stared at it and realised it was my life, a jumbled mess with intricate twists and turns and lines that tangle and overlap. i know it's my fate and life, things i don't have full control over but that's just the way it is. if i cut it, if i try to change it to be someone i'm not, it'll fall apart.

i question if i know what love really is
this is because i doubt that i've felt it yet.
i know i love my family and my friends
but that is a different kind of love.
that is a love that keeps you safe
and will always be there.
it is familiar and wraps you
like a hug after a long journey.


but love?
i've always imagined it to be scary.
i imagine love to fill you up
til you think you'll explode.
i imagine it to make you question
everything you've ever thought before.
but i also imagine it to make you feel like nothing can break you
and that if something does break you,
you have someone there to hold you
that will never leave.
but it's not like your family,
this love is like one that will always require work
and will always demand honesty and attention and care.
i don't think love is like in books
with butterflies and roses
and kisses in the rain to sustain you.

i can't imagine love to be anything but faith,
believing that against all odds
you're meant to be together.
knowing that through all the screaming
and fighting and arguing
over little mistakes and misunderstandings
that you know the other person
better than they know themselves.

it's growing with someone,
changing and adapting
and still wanting to be there tomorrow.
it's insurance that someone will be there
to keep you on your toes every **** day,
making you question everything you think
and pushing you to be who you want to
while respecting who you are.
and that isn't an easy task
as we're all complicated human beings
with intricacies and roots that delve and twist
deeper than anyone can comprehend.

so i don't know if i'll ever know what love is
but that's what i imagine it to be
and i have to say
i'm terrified of it.

*––s.m.

i sometimes stay up all night wondering
'will i ever be good enough for someone?'
i don't know if i ever will
because the scars on my legs
and the holes in my heart
make it hard for me
to ever believe i'll ever find someone.

i've built a wall of insecurity and fear
that is so high and insurmountable
that i don't think i even know
who's behind that wall anymore.

i'm so scared that someone
won't understand that while
i've never suffered any true trauma
my scars are in my brain
down a well so deep i don't know
if i'll ever be able to drag them out to heal.

is it so much to ask for someone
who understands that your fear is
so deep down that you're not sure
if you'll ever be brave again?
that you cannot handle failure
and that you're not sure if anything you do or say
as a result of your fear is going to drive them away or not
and you cannot handle failing someone again.

so for now, until that wall has broken down
the teddy bear that knows your secrets
that has held you while you've cried
that's been there for you always
will have to be enough of a hug while you sleep.

maybe the next time i wake up
there'll be a brick missing from the wall
maybe the light of a brighter future
will pour in and push me
one day at a time
one brick at a time
the wall will come down.

and maybe one day
it'll serve as a memory
of just how far i've come
and i'll feel the light on my face
warming me up to the endless possibilities.

maybe inside the light i'll find you
whoever you are
hopefully you're out there.

*––s.m.