it's been almost three years
some nights i still cry to sleep
the way you hurt me never heals
i feel it surface and weep
my mind is covered
in scabs and scars
tonight i'm bleeding
and seeing stars

s.s

i. when you're no longer excited to see them and the butterflies don't make an appearance, instead you feel empty

ii. when their flaws are no longer perfect, they're just that; flaws 

iii. when a future with them is no longer in your plans, it's just a silly thought you laugh at, something long gone

iv. when you no longer dream of them, but they might creep into your nightmares

v. when the space with them no longer feels comfortable, it feels like secrets are hiding, waiting to fall out

s.s

that is the scary part of love
you are allowing
someone to change you
but my god darling
you were my metamorphosis

s.s

he taught me
how to love myself
on every day i did not
i hated everything
about my self
yet self love he still brought

i used to flinch
when his hand touched my skin
i'd stay still holding my breath
while ******* my stomach in

i'd look away
down at the ground
despised my body
that seemed to round

i'd never rest
my weight on him
afraid to crush his bones
since a saw myself far from thin

but he held me close
against his skin
said i was beautiful
with a reassuring grin

not a day goes by
that he doesn't make sure
i know my self-loathing
is utterly obscure

so now i see beauty
in plain brown eyes
and see something lovely
in big stretch marked thighs

although i dont love it
i don't hate every inch
thanks to him and his effort
i don't see it and flinch

he taught me
how to love myself
and now i think i do
i hated everything
about my self
but he has helped fix this view

s.s

he loved her when it was convenient
when substance soaked his system
emotions boiled over and he had no where to pour them
so he used her
like a therapist
and when the session was over
she never crossed his mind

s.s

a little liquid courage
and foreign places
i dabbled in the art
of being flirtatious
slip on my sun dress
and smile wide
friendly introductions
and darting eyes
this feels like a game
and i'm a tease
but at the end of the night
let's have fun, won't you please

s.s

here we are
on this crazy ride
an end fast approaching
and i don't want to get off
but eventually
i'll have to feel solid ground
and i've always been afraid of heights
but you are worth falling for
you are something i'll never forget
i'll never regret
you are worth every second
an adrenaline rush
and a safety harness
all at once
and i wish we had
endless time
and our thrills
weren't so hopeless

s.s

hit your child
get hit back
leave their skin red
i'll leave your skin black

keep your hands off
bodies that aren't yours
hit them again
and we're going to war

******* and your fist
it's wrong what you've done
there are no excuses
not even one

s.s

i don’t want to just be your friend

i want to be the person you wake up to in the morning

to kiss your body on bad days and make you feel good when you don’t

i want to tell you to come home rather than come over

to be the girl you tell your friends and family about

to drive with the windows down listening to you sing your favorite songs

i want to get high with you on lazy sundays then make breakfast in our underwear

i don’t want to just be your friend
i want to be one of your best friends you fall in love with

s.s

perhaps
we always drift together
because our hearts
know more
than our minds

s.s

like the blunt
dangling from his lips
he lit me up
when he needed to numb the pain
and tossed me out
with the other roaches
when there was nothing left to take

s.s

i was told
to make my body
my home
so i painted
embarrassment
on the walls
and hung
hate
from the ceilings
i am uncomfortable
in this home
and the image i see
saddens me
because this home
is messy
and the other girls
are pristine

s.s

i will end my life
not today
not tomorrow
maybe not even in a year from now
but i will leave this world
by my own hand
for i was brought here
not by choice
i was created
without any consent
signed a contract to keep breathing
the signature being my first breath
so i will leave on my own terms
by my own hand
my choice

s.s

i would cry myself to sleep
every night
and let you know
you are free to go
if it meant
you could finally
be happy

s.s

your drunk words
got me buzzed
on old memories
and surpressed feelings
i was sober
until i heard your voice
now what am i supposed to do?

s.s

*******
for turning into murky water
with riptides keeping me in
when i know
crystal blue seas
run just below the surface
and they're calm
where i would willingly swim

s.s

my lovely boy
you look so pretty when you lie
it's a shame
you had to be
such trouble

s.s

i feel like sunshine
until the sun sets
then i feel everything
at once

s.s

you lost someone
who only wanted
to give you the world
i hope the thought
of destroying someone
who cared more about you
than any of your friends
keeps you up at night
i wanted you to be happy
they use you to get high
i hope you feel awful
for being an *******
and not just being
honest
i hope this hurts
it should

s.s

i'm tired of writing
or tired of living

either way
nothing sounds right
fits right
feels right

it's all
choppy sentences
choppy breaths
all not good enough
all just a mess

s.s

i want to sleep but not wake up
because it's seems whenever i find sleep
i also find you

because when i first wake up
some part of me half expects you to be there
so when i roll over i can pull you in
and it will feel like home

but then it hits me
that when i roll over
i will only be greeted by an empty bed
and the only things i can pull in are my knees to my chest
and i will be home but it will feel foreign

so i want to sleep
sleep but please not wake up

s.s

i am living three different lives and not one if them makes sense
filled with alcohol and raised voices
dark nights with questionable choices
i don't know who i am
i let others decide for me
all i know is i'm a mess
and these demons seem to adore me
i have some issues i can't sort out
problems nobody knows about
the skeletons in my closet
are clawing at the door
but there's already so much mess outside
how could there be more
i'm overwhelmed and tired
don't know where to go
i can't stand being vulnerable
but some wounds we have to show

s.s

they tell addicts
to move away
from the places
they once scored each hit
so she deleted
your songs
from her playlist
and never stepped foot
near the place you met
because she was addicted to you
and she knew
if she had even a taste
of what you once were
she would crumble
just like your relationship did
she was an addict
and you were her drug
dont make her relapse

s.s

don't fall in love

it is a chemical chaos
out of your hands
where nothing ever goes
according to your plans

you're giving your heart
to someone new
my love, people are clumsy
their words aren't always true

s.s

COVID-19
It has changed all the lives it hasn’t yet claimed
Too many deathbeds held souls in empty spaces  
Innocent, isolated individuals
With their visitors crying in the hospital parking lot instead of their hospital room
As if goodbye wasn't hard enough

It has changed the way we grow  
Children won't know how to share
Instead they will have “disinfect” ingrained in their young brains
Carrying hand sanitizer like a shield, a barrier against the germs
Taught to fear others as though they’ll **** us themselves

It has changed the way we consume
Online shopping to the point we don't remember what's in packages
Spending money we don't have
Sanitized carts and Purell at every entrance of the stores that have opened
Grocery shopping sparks anxiety like never before

It has changed the way we love
Zoom calls and FaceTimes are as connected as we can get
The inability to remember what it feels like to be in another's arms
We stand six feet apart, not knowing how to act
Trying to read the millions of emotions held within each others eyes

It has changed how we dress
Forgetting where you've placed your mask is just as bad as your keys
Face covers scream isolation
Smothering smiles, turning us all into faceless creatures
But somehow the mere thought of the pandemic feels more suffocating

It has changed the way we exist
Instilling a new fear into the next generation
A new urgency in the medical field
And overall, a new norm that makes unity unbelievably uncomfortable.

S.S.

i apologise
to every soul that has lingered with mine
i have a bad habit of disappearing

my head is a dark space my body is a scary place and that is the truth i face as i unravel into space full of dark matter with thoughts of i don't matter while the world is oppressing the bit of joy i call a blessing and i am afraid i will always feel alone and never again will i feel at home in someone's arms where there is no harm i am sorry to those i have touched you are dreadfully out of luck i can't break my habit of disappearing the darkness is always commandeering

s.s

i swear
that smile can fix everything

with just that one look
i can feel all the collapsed pieces of my life
forthcoming from the rubble
but then you leave
as you always do now
and that gracious grin follows

then i remember
you're not mine to keep
and unfortunately
it’s a merciless existence
without you

s.s

your arms
are the return address
for the broken heart
i created
because you are
the only place
i want to heal

s.s

a girl of honey and pills
the type to give you chills
energy drinks on a night with no plans
tripping on your own feet
bad singing in an empty house
warmth and cotton sheets
a messy one
a gentle one
a different girl
unlike anyone
quite chaos with shaky hands
tired eyes dripping gold
pretty words
pretty soul
tight hugs
proud smiles
the best girl you’ve met
in quite a while

s.s

you were the best mistake
i've ever made
and i couldn't have asked
to fall in love
with anyone
better

s.s

you look so lovely
when you lie
keep saying you love me
till the day i die

s.s

i am terrified
to spill my guts
because oceans will pour out
and i am afraid
you won't know what to do with the storm
and i will only drown you

s.s

remember the boy at the window in the white button down?
and the girl grinning from inside?
remember the two of them sitting under the moon covered in bug spray and each others arms?
remember them talking about a future they claimed they wanted?
remember the look in their eyes when they saw each others faces?
remember how happy they seemed?

turns out, they're liars

that boy called her outside to taste her skin and kept her in his back pocket so on his bad nights he could take her out and pour himself into her to forget his problems. he did not love the girl, she was simply an addition to his body count.

that girl wrote ****** poetry and told everyone she was great to hide the fact that she wanted to scream and burn every reminder of that boy from her memory because she knew she was just an object. she told the stars she did not love him and her subconscious filled her dreams with his face.

they were filthy liars,
hooked on the idea of love


s.s

she built a home for him in her heart

but he moved out and left it empty

so now her insides feel like a ghost town

with a haunting vacancy from lost love

s.s

i want to scream at you

until my very voice causes earthquakes

and makes even the ocean tremble with fear

but you deserve nothing but my silence

so i will let my eyes speak instead

s.s

blowing out candles 
making wishes 
for another year 
for it to be lovely 
fulfilling easy living 
and full of cheer

s.s

count the freckles
that dot your skin
as you would count
the stars in the sky

s.s

numb and floating high
searching for another
these are my happy pills
my best and only lover

s.s

to the boy
who is learning
my favorite song
on piano
just to make
me smile
thank you
for reminding me
that some boys are sweet
like the melodies you play
and not all
are nails on chalkboard

s.s

i think not speaking
is the thing messing me up the most
out of all of this

yes, i love you
i really really do
but i know i will get over that
it will take time and it will hurt like hell but i know i will

the thing is, you are my safe place
were my safe place
i felt as though i could go to you about anything
and you made me feel more comfortable than anyone else
you knew how to react and made it easy to talk
now i cant do that
and **** keeps happening
while you're the first person i think to go talk to when i can't
and i keep wondering how you are
you seem fine but i still miss hearing about your life

i miss you and i feel pathetic
because i'm having a hard time adjusting
and i dont exactly know what to do with myself

flipping pennies
into wishing wells
i still hope
for you

s.s

i hope everything is okay
i still worry about you
i engraved you in my heart
you're still one of my first thoughts in the morning
i want to be normal friends
i miss the conversation
how's your girlfriend
i hope you're happy with her
how's the family
i hope they're well too
i hate how awkward we are now
anyways
i hope you're doing well
i am i promise

s.s

i do not understand
i     do    not     understand

how can someone brighten all your darkness
yet strip away your light
how can someone fix all your broken pieces
yet break them more than ever
how can someone promise to stay by your side
yet abandon you at the first opportunity
how can someone leave you when they said they wouldn't
yet expect you to be there when they crawl back
how can someone tell you that you don't care about them
yet you have told them countless times you care more than ever
how can someone tell you they will just forget about you
yet you could never erase them from your memory

i just do not understand
how can love be such a contradiction

s.s

he looked perfect
sprawled across the bedding
watching her walk across the room
slowly
methodically
taking him in
from where his hands ran through his hair
as his chest rose with every breath
to the muscles across his body
and his legs dangling off the bed
as he gave her a devilish grin
waiting for her to come closer
he looked perfect
and she stopped in her tracks

s.s

you hit my phone up
"any chance you're awake"
during the late hours
in your intoxicated state

s.s

Childhood is supposed to be blissful. Kids are supposed to be innocent. Children are supposed to be learning how to face the world, not fighting it head on. I look left and right and see kids with as much pain and fear in their eyes as soldiers coming home from war with half of their limbs blown off. These children have been fighting since day one; some of them thrown to the curb before their eyes even open. They're supposed to have a family they can go home to, but instead they're getting shoved into homes with strangers or family members trying to pick up the slack because mommy and daddy are falling apart and their broken pieces are laying all over the house waiting to cut you open and drain your insides. There are kids who know more about drug abuse than the average adult because they've grown up watching their family stick needles in their arms. There are little girls and boys who flinch at any sudden movement or sound because the only thing they can picture is fists flying at them and pinning them to the ground. There are children who look at trauma and pain as if it's just another day because they've been dealing with drama since the day they left their momma or maybe their momma left them. There are kids you can't touch without them weeping because they've had hands on them creeping to places they scream you can not go but some people just don't understand the word no. There are adolescents that don't flinch at gunfire because they heard the same sound in the bedroom next to theirs before their sibling’s funeral. There are babies with bruises and kids with cuts just because mommy and daddy don't seem to love them enough. Childhood is supposed to be blissful, but instead there's kids taking fistfuls of pills to wash away the pain that shouldn't have been there in the first place. Kids are supposed to be innocent, but instead their lives don't make sense and they grow up to be numb like fog covers their brains all because their upbringing was outright insane.

s.s

she carried reminders of him with her
memories in her head and old keepsakes of the past

like a promise ring on your hand
polaroid in your wallet
his old clothes with his scent lingering
a love letter in your back pocket

these little reminders
that love exists
she kept them close
so she wouldn't forget
that love is there
beyond the struggle
and no matter the outcome
it will live eternally
in the memories
created

s.s

she sat in the sand watching the sun slip below the horizon and thought the words she couldn’t say to him

i wish it would have turned out differently. if i had a different home life or he didn’t think so much. maybe if we had less lonely souls or could turn back time we wouldn’t be where we are now. i wish it wouldn’t have ended the way it did. i never wanted it to end with the thoughts i give up i can’t do it anymore in my head, but now i have no idea what’s in his head and i would love nothing more than to understand his thoughts again. i can’t stand the confusion and mixed signals. i don’t know what i ever was to him, let alone what i am now. we are broken kids in different ways and all i know is that we melted together so well; he made me feel less broken. i just don’t understand why the universe would put two people together that can’t seem to be with each other because my god it’s so much harder to get over someone you’re still in love with, but i suppose that’s how life is huh, complicated.

s.s

frankly,
i miss you

i miss you
i miss you
i miss you

i should forget you
better off without you?
why can't i shake you
i need to forget you

but i don't want to
it's something i can't do
soon i'll unlove you
but right now, i miss you

s.s

i wonder
what it feels like
right before
you take the step
into peace
and your body
hits the water

s.s