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Sierra Scanlan Nov 2014
Falling in love is a lot
like the vicious storms
we fear so much
You hear about what happens
how it feels
and you try to prepare yourself
but you're never quite ready
for what's to come
it comes slowly
little by little you see it unravel
and then before you know it
it devours you whole
You swear you see it coming
but the truth is you never really do
and that's the terrifying part
It's everything you've wanted to feel in life
but would never dare to mention
You feel alive
so alive like you're on the top of a mountain
You feel scared out of your mind
so scared like you're facing your worst fears
You feel brand new
so new like someone took your soul and wiped it clean
You just want to shout
and tell the world
about this new feeling
bursting out of your chest
10w
Sierra Scanlan Jan 2015
10w
Your eyes are galaxies I want to get lost in
10w
Sierra Scanlan Jan 2015
10w
I'm drowning in you and there's no turning back now
Sierra Scanlan Mar 2015
I miss when all I could think about was love, being in love and how much I loved you
Sierra Scanlan Mar 2015
EVERY TIME YOU FEEL LOVE IT WILL BE SO DIFFERENT
Sierra Scanlan Dec 2014
They say people who are up in the middle night are lonely, sad, or thinking of someone. I guess for me it's a combination of the three, but how can you miss something that was never truly yours to miss in the first place?
Sierra Scanlan Dec 2014
I was never good at making people stay so maybe that's why you left just like everyone else. I guess I can't blame you, if I could walk away, I would too.
Sierra Scanlan Dec 2014
I found pieces of myself within you and I think that's why I was so fond of you.
Sierra Scanlan Dec 2014
You can't fix people
nor can you be the medicine
they need
You can't fight their demons for them
nor take their sadness
and make it into something beautiful
The pain that comes with this realization can be compared to
a dagger going through your
heart
It's heavy on the mind
but even heavier on the
heart
and you can't let yourself bear that kind of weight
alone
Sierra Scanlan Dec 2014
Our song came on today and I didn't feel daggers going through my chest. What a change. I realized that there's no reason for me to putting as this emotion into you when I'm receiving nothing back. There's someone out there for me, someone who isn't you.
Sierra Scanlan Jan 2017
I drank to forget your face but somehow I still found you at the bottom of my glass.
Sierra Scanlan Feb 2015
Today was my cousin Joe's birthday, but I think of him more as an uncle considering he's closer to my dad's age than mine, that's besides the point of this, though. I haven't seen him or talked to him in 5 to 6 years due to  his mental conditions. The past 10 years or so have consisted of a lot of ups and downs for him. I can't remember when exactly it was, but it was fairly recent, that he was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Schizophrenia. When I had found this out, I was probably a pre teen and I didn't fully understand what this meant, but I do remember feeling a punch to my chest. Joe was my best friend when I was child and he was a vital part how growing up went for me. I always looked forward to holidays and family gatherings because I knew he'd be there and we'd get to spend time together and share laughs. When he was diagnosed, he was no longer around... He needed to get help and as sad as that made me, I knew it was for the best. Today was his birthday, today I called him meaning it'd be the first time we had talked in almost six years. I could tell he wasn't the same man he was when I was a child, but that didn't make a difference, I was just happy to hear his voice. He hadn't realized I had already graduated high school or that I was on my first year of college or that my sister had a baby. At certain points in the conversation, he had called me by my sister's name, but I knew I shouldn't take it personally, I knew he knew that it was me he was speaking to. He had said my voice was calm and that I sounded just like my father, I never thought that was something I would be happy to hear. When the circumstances aren't what they once were, you come to appreciate what you get. You appreciate the little things because the big things are no longer something you can experience. How can you possibly make up the time  loss in six years through a sixteen minute phone call? You can't, but I sure as hell did try. I never realized how much I had changed in those years until he had picked up the phone. I realized I wasn't the same little girl and I didn't have the same dreams I had that time in my life. He was different, too. Not the golly man he once was. He hadn't lost the light that kept him going though and I think that's really important to consider. Mental illnesses are always going to be mental illnesses, but what is important is you don't let them win. You don't realize how significant a person's mental health is to their well being until you see the mental health of someone you love spiraling down at a fast speed, potentially taking them away at any moment. You're not your mental illnesses, you'll always be my best friend. "I love you, kid." "I love you, too." That's what was said before I clicked the end button on my iPhone.
Sierra Scanlan Nov 2017
tomorrow's thanksgiving,
i've been trying to avoid
thinking about this day
for weeks.

i've lodged the thought of
it out of my head,
i've buried it away
but i can no longer
avoid it.

i don't want to
stare at an empty
place at the table.

four plates,
four forks,
four spoons,
four knives,
four glasses,
instead of five.

having to fill the silence
with questions about
school and post-grad life,
to steer the topic away
from how empty and sad
we feel without you.

at some points,
seven months
feels the same
as one.

time physically passes by,
and the next thing i know,
it's been seven months
rather than three.

it feels subjective to me,
i've been waiting for time
to mend me and my
hurting heart
but the day hasn't
come.

living with the loss
of you will always
sting,
even if it's just a bit.

i will stare at
the empty place
tomorrow and wonder
why you had to be taken
from me.

i give thanks for the 21
years i had with you
but they'll never feel like
enough.

do they celebrate
thanksgiving in heaven?
Sierra Scanlan Feb 2018
i tried to make myself
into a puzzle
you'd want to
put together

but there was no use
there was always a
piece that didn't fit
in the picture

i tried to make this
what i wanted it to be

i wanted it to be
you

but i had to let go
Sierra Scanlan Dec 2014
I'm never quite sure who it is that I
Love
Do I love you
Or do I love the thought of you
A question that will constantly
Linger
In my mind
Sierra Scanlan Nov 2014
All I ever wanted was for you to
love me
I blamed myself
and wondered why the hell I wasn't
enough
I now realize that it was never
my fault
You were just so incapable of loving anyone other than
yourself
Sierra Scanlan Dec 2017
it was a saturday afternoon
in december
when we met for
a second time,
the sun was shining,
and there had to be
some reason for that.

the universe was
doing something right
when she brought us
back together
again.

it was may when
we approached the
end of you and i,
or whatever i knew us as.

losing you
was like being forced
to shut a book
i really wanted to finish.

pieces of you
lingered throughout
my everyday life
for months,
but i did everything
i could to shut you out.

months later,
i sat across from you
at this cute cafe and
i couldn't help but
wonder what we did
to deserve each other
a second time around.

your eyes seemed brighter,
a more vibrant blue,
a deeper ocean.

a freckle by your eye
that i never seemed to
notice.

i wanted to freeze time and
live this moment forever
with you,
because for once,
everything felt aligned.
Sierra Scanlan Feb 2015
Maybe we'll meet again one day at a coffee shop in the city and then, the timing will be right
Sierra Scanlan Jan 2015
It really terrifies me, you know? The fact that you already know me so well and eventually you'll know me inside and out. Letting people in has never been an easy task for me. I always hated the idea of the other person having an upper hand, something to hold over me. You know my favorite songs and how my eyes will light up if you were ever to turn them on in your car. You know my favorite books and the parts I read more than once, just because they were that good. You know how I like my poetry, emotion so tense and raw you can cut it with a knife. You know the way I awkwardly laugh when I can't find the words to explain my thoughts to you. You know what I don't like about myself, but more importantly, you know what I love about myself. You know of the things I don't really like to talk about and you understand, you understand the way I've hurt. You know the movies I like and which ones I have on replay. You know that on most days, I'm one wrong move away from insane, but you like me anyways. You know that I tell a lot of pointless stories but you still look at me with a fire in your eye, as if I'm telling you your favorite story from when you were a child. You know of my dark past but you also know of my bright future. You know of the way I once hated myself and beat myself up, you now know of the way I love myself and treat my body like a temple. You know of the stupid stories from when I was a child and you somehow find them funny. You know of my goals, my dreams, and where I hope to see myself one day. You know of my flaws, my imperfections, and my little mishaps. You know of the weird habits I have that I would rather not have most people aware of... I must ask, "Why me?"
You know all of this, and somehow you're still here.
Sierra Scanlan Dec 2014
A wise man I know once told me
a thing or two about death
we can spend a day in this world
or we can spend 85 years here
and somehow live the same life
when it comes down to it
it's not how much time we spend here
it's how we spend it
will you spend your life slaving away
or will you spend your life making sure the ones you love
know how widely you love them
an entire lifetime can be lived over duration of one night
time is all in our heads
I never wanted you to go, but they needed you back.
Sierra Scanlan Dec 2014
Do you love me
or do you love that fact that you know I'm always
there
I'm thinking it's the latter of the two
and man that really hurts
Sierra Scanlan Dec 2014
The liquor that trickles down my throat makes me realize that you never truly were mine but somehow, I was yours.
Sierra Scanlan Dec 2014
Someday someone will awaken your
Soul
And the sun will shine brighter
The stars will seem to dazzle more
Your world will no longer consist of
dark blues and grays
All you'll see is the brightest of purples and reds
It'll almost feel as if the world is on a whole new axis
Your whole world is twisted upside down
All because someone decided to pick up on what no one else did about
You
Love is one of the many wonders of the world
And the best thing about it is you never see the same love
Twice
Sierra Scanlan Nov 2014
Come back to my room
and let you undress me
What happened to
dates and small talk
Now its all
undress me undress me
None of us got a clue why our
generation
seems to lack the skill of
commitment
but somehow hooks up
like its not a
problem
Sierra Scanlan Dec 2014
I once thought I was beautiful just because you touched me but it didn't take me long to realize I had been beautiful all this time. I was just too busy picking at the things that I thought made me not good enough for this world.
Sierra Scanlan Dec 2014
Be kind to yourself and love yourself. You're growing and you're healing. You can never become the person you're supposed to be if you never let yourself catch a break.
Sierra Scanlan Jan 2015
You saw sunshine in me when I saw complete darkness
Sierra Scanlan Dec 2014
Can't say I didn't
see this
coming
but I also can't say that
fact makes it
hurt any
less
Sierra Scanlan Jan 2015
The coffee on my lips
makes me think
of you
and that time we sat
for hours
as if time was endless
and the world had stopped
for you and I
Sierra Scanlan Dec 2014
I find comfort
in knowing that
no matter how much I'm
hurting
or how many tears I've cried
that the stars in the sky
will always shine
the moon will let the sun
radiate throughout my days
and the sun will let the moon
glimmer at night
No pain can last forever
when that kind of beauty
surrounds us
Sierra Scanlan Dec 2014
It's as if you walked in to my life and suddenly, my soul realized that you are everything it was looking for.
I feel like I've known you my whole life, how do you do this?
Sierra Scanlan Sep 2016
A disruption in a peaceful world, everyday I’m
At war and battling against myself.
Clouds overcast my mind. Ugh, god,
dad, I’m so sorry I’m like this.

Edge is near, I think I’m losing my balance. I
feel like I’m alone in this world.
Guilt consumes my mind. I don’t know
How to not feel like this.

Innocence has disappeared, this is a
jigsaw puzzle I simply can’t solve.
Keep me close, keep me alive.
Landfill of thoughts piling up in my mind.

Missing a piece to the puzzle of life.
No one understands why I’m like this, not even me.
Once I wasn’t this crazy,
Please don’t leave me here alone.

Quick, I feel myself falling apart.
Raging war in my mind, when will it end?
Still searching for the piece that completes the puzzle.
Tick, tick...time's running out.

Underneath this craziness is a person needing to be loved.
Visions of something better, it wasn’t supposed to be like this. It’s
warmth I crave, I need a hand to hold. Looking at an
X-ray of this broken thing that can never be put back together.

Yes, I’m still here. My sanity may not be but I am.
Zigzagging.
Sierra Scanlan Oct 2017
You are loved. I know life feels difficult right now and it's like you're drowning in the middle of the ocean, struggling to breathe, but you are doing a **** good job at staying afloat. Despite your grief and sadness, you are giving life all you have and that's important to note. While this may not seem like the best you can do, I think it's the best you can do for right now. Give yourself credit for that. Yes, it's vital to give an effort to life and the people you're around but please don't forget to put forth an effort for yourself. Loving and caring for yourself has always been a tough task for you since your big heart's natural instinct is to pour love into others. You're so kind and loving, I know, but you absolutely deserve your kindness and love, more than anyone else.

You're so ******* yourself. It may seem like you're not going anywhere or only moving backwards but I swear you're making progress. Those small victories, no matter how tiny they seem, are something to be celebrated. I'm so proud of you--you've grown so much through all of this and even on the hardest days, you don't let your sadness define you or your worth. You are so much more than your sadness and I hope you'll take note of all the beautiful things there is about you. It may be hard to imagine right now but there will be a time when you don't feel so hopeless. There's always a light at the end of the tunnel, even in the tunnels with the most severe darkness and monster-like things waiting to terrify you.

Don't let your feelings swallow you whole. You are so strong. In a field of sunflowers, you are the tallest one that ever grew, with a sturdy stem and bright petals. i want you to remember this when you feel yourself falling down, unable to find the strength to stand tall. One day, you will be able to look back on all of this and feel satisfied because you didn't give up on yourself. There are days when you feel like existing is simply too much and you want to hide--that's okay. Sometimes life is overwhelming and you can't figure out how to deal. No one has all of the answers. I have faith you will find your way and take care of yourself.

This wouldn't have been thrown your way if you couldn't handle it. Constantly remind yourself of that. You will go through this and grow through it and bloom in ways you never even imagined. Sadness will seem like a foreign concept to you and you'll feel the warmest of rays of happiness. I'm telling you, you deserve it all. You deserve the world. You deserve the love you give to everyone else. You deserve to be happy. Even in your worst times and when you feel like you've ******* up real bad, you are deserving of good things. You have to remember you're a work in progress and not a finished master piece. Be gentle. Be warm. Be compassionate. It'll make your journey feel a little lighter and a little smoother. It's okay to be sad but don't let this be the only thing you ever feel. Seek out things that make you happy in each day, even on the days that feel a bit hellish. Happy things are all over, you just have to be willing to look for them. You can do this. You can get through this. I believe in you and so do many other people.
Sierra Scanlan Jan 2017
Google defines detach as--
"disengage (something or part of something)
and remove it."
But Google could never tell me
how to detach myself
from the feelings that
consume me
and swallow me whole.

I'm not being irrational.
I'm not blowing things out of proportion.
I'm not overreacting.
I'm not being dramatic.
I'm not being hypersensitive.

Before pointing your fingers at me,
I want you to look at yourself.
Do you have empathy?
Do you realize these bad things can happen?
You may not say the words you speak
with the intent to hurt
but that is exactly what you're doing.

Stop ******* dancing around the problem,
like it's this fun thing to do.
Violation.
Tears shed.
Screams.
Hands on a body that isn't theirs.
Pain.
Blame where it doesn't belong.

This is reality
and you have no right
to decide how this story goes.
I ask you to step back
and think about the ways
in which you are impacting others.

If I can't detach myself,
neither can you.
******* talk.
Say words that mean something.
Speak the truth.
This is painful.
I refuse to let you pretend
as if it's not.

This is all I think about.
Unfasten, disconnect, separate, remove.
Pull off, free, disengage, loosen.
I wish I could.
I really do.
But there's nothing that can make this
go away.

I feel the walls closing in.
My breaths are shorter.
Tears.
I want to escape
but you can't escape
your own feelings,
your own pain.

It must be nice to
de
tach.
How lucky
you are.
Sierra Scanlan Jul 2017
tingles in your toes,
looking up and
seeing the same moon,
a form of disappearing,
taking a holiday
to a tropical place,
falling at your feet
because it hurts
so bad,
"hey, this song made
me think of you,"
a melody you want
to play over again,
the sun rising
over the Mississippi,
finger tips traveling
down your back,
a canvas with
different shades of violet,
drowning in a foreign body
of water and struggling
to breathe,
conversations in a
parked car,
tears streaming
down your face
like an ocean,
freshly dried
sheets,
a warm embrace,
the twinkle in
your eyes
when you talk,
saying goodbye
when you'd
rather say hello,
a flower
that just found
the strength to
bloom,
a fall day
with a slight breeze,
the sun shining
on your skin,
realizing it's
okay to let go,
white lace on
your skin,
the strand of hair
that always falls
in your face,
apologies that came
too late,
the leaves
changing colors,
the silhouette
of the person
I thought
you were,
chasing a shadow
I'll never catch,
the sun reflecting
on the water,
a path I wish
would never end,
drinking to find
you at the end
of the glass,
a flicker of light
in the dark,
smell of coffee
in the morning,
touching hands
for the last time,
a slither of sunshine
peeking through,
a summer storm,
grief that felt
like a mountain,
drunken kisses,
driving with no
destination and
losing ourselves,
the book I never
want to finish,
the roses you gave
me withered away,
the grass turning
green again after
a long winter,
brick roads
that lead to nowhere,
restarting that song
just to hear that
part a second time,
transforming into
something I never
thought I'd become.

all kinds of love in the world
but never do you experience
the same kind of love
twice.
Sierra Scanlan Sep 2017
i've never believed the saying, "time heals all wounds." it puts one under the impression that if you wait and do good, we'll one day be magically healed...we'll wake up and suddenly see and feel the radiance of the sun again.

the sun has come back but i can still feel the frigid cold trying to take me away.

google defines wound (n) as: an injury to living tissue caused by a cut, blow, or other impact, typically one in which the skin is cut or broken. synonyms include but are not limited to: ****, laceration, slash, abrasion, bruise.

wounds can be physical. black and blue. scratches up and down your arm. wishing they'd go away so you can stop telling people that you ran into a tree.

wounds can be mental. feeling a tug at your heart constantly, one wrong move and you're shattered. not being able to listen to that song without bursting out in tears.

my wounds are valid whether you can see them or not. time has passed and my wounds are still begging to be seen. stop telling me i'll be okay with time.

i used to feel crazy. i was waiting for a switch to turn on. the switch would turn on and i would be healed. i wouldn't feel like this anymore. this day never came but i'm realizing this is fine.

google defines heal (v) as: to cause (an undesirable condition) to be overcome. synonyms include but are not limited to: mend, recover, improve.

peak moments make me feel like i'm healed. i'll laugh the way i used to. warmth takes me over. the sky is a brighter shade of blue.

low moments make me question the healing process. i'm crying. my heart feels like it's breaking all over again. i'm battling with myself in my head. suddenly i'm on a rollercoaster i can't get off of and i can't stop screaming.

the thing is, i'm constantly healing. the process never ends. my body is constantly working to heal my wounds and while they may become less visible over time, i can tell you i will always feel them.

i've accepted my wounds as a part of me. they take up space. i carry them with me everywhere i go. i'm not sure if i'd be me without my wounds.

my wounds remind me of who i am, what i'm capable of. they're proof of the battles i fought: the nights i cried and cried, the moments i felt the world was too much for me, the times i questioned my worth, when i could feel my own heart breaking.

i'm sorry to say that time doesn't heal all wounds  as i'm still hurting.
Sierra Scanlan Jan 2015
I was always told that time would heal all wounds. It'd be okay, I'd be okay... It'd all get better with time. Often times it felt as if my "clock" had stopped or had some form of arthritis and I'd be stuck in this constant state of being miserable. I realized that time doesn't in fact heal all wounds but I'm okay with that. Time may not be able to cure all, it just comes down to how we use our time. Will you use it to find the good in the bad or will you let time pass you by?
Sierra Scanlan Dec 2014
They always say
that the drunk words
are sober thoughts
and I guess for me and you
that is true
We say things to each other whilst
drunk
that we would never say if we were
sober
and why is it that
Is it my fault or is it yours
maybe it's both of our faults
and our fear of feeling something
that is actually real
something that's so much bigger than both of
us
Sierra Scanlan Feb 2017
Some days are harder than others. I look in the mirror and count my flaws one by one. The voice in my head tells me I'm not good enough. I know that's not true but sometimes I'm tempted to give in. It's such a struggle to not drown in everyone's expectations of what I'm supposed to be. I constantly reassure myself that it's okay, the only expectations I have to live up to are my own. I'm smart. I'm beautiful. I'm kind. I have a big heart. I tell myself these things over and over just to remind myself that my worth isn't based on the recognition of another person. I will always have value regardless of who chooses to recognize it.

Today, I will look in the mirror and tell myself how much I love her. Instead of picking myself apart and counting my flaws, I will look to the things that make me beautiful. The thick eyebrows that frame my face. The eyes that twinkle when I talk about something I love. The thighs I've earned from running hard and long miles. My ability to always love again despite the pain. We get so wrapped up in trying to be what others want us to be that we neglect what is already there.

I want you to fall in love with yourself this year, flaws and all. Find a reason to love the part of yourself that you hate the most. It's nice to be loved by others but it's even nicer to be loved by yourself. Embrace yourself. That voice in your head that tells you that you aren't good enough is wrong. You have always been enough.

**The journey to self love isn't an easy one but it sure is one of the most important ones you'll experience.
I wrote this for myself but also for anyone else who needs to be reminded of their worth.
Sierra Scanlan Nov 2014
I had faith in you
I really did
I thought it'd be different
this time around
I'd thought maybe you'd
grown up
and got your life
together
I should've known that I would be wrong about
that one
Youi'd always be the same boy
the same boy that
left
and hurt me
and broke me down
Sierra Scanlan Dec 2014
I told you what my favorite song was
And I can't really decide whether I regret it
Or not
You had never heard it before
You listened to it
And fell in love with it
But I really wish you fell in love
With me
Now every time it comes on the radio
I think of you
But I don't hate it
No I dont
That's the part that I hate the most
It was my favorite song
And now it's all about you
Sierra Scanlan Feb 2017
I am a fragment
of a broken home,
parents that were
never meant for
one another
but tried their best
to love as if
they were.
They tried to
hold it together
for us kids
but life could never
be what we wanted
it to be.

I am a fragment
of my demons,
the voice
in my head
that tells me
over and over again,
"you're not enough."
There are some days
where that voice
feels greater
than my own
and I almost want to
give in.

I am a fragment
of failed relationships.
You told me I was
"too much."
It felt like daggers
in my chest
and suddenly
I couldn't breathe.
Since then,
I have always felt
I've needed to hold
myself back
and not drown in love.

I am a fragment
of the hell I've
been through.
It wasn't easy
to get to where
I am today.
My journey was
a little ragged,
not a straight shot...
but I'm still
standing tall and
going through
this thing we call
life.

I'm a fragment
of the songs
I've played
over and over again.
Some to block out
the pain,
the tears.
Others to reach
a state of nostalgia,
in an attempt
to go back to moments
I wished to relive.

I am a fragment
of those I surround
myself with.
The constant encouragement,
the kind words,
the shoulders to lean on,
the ability to understand
why I'm like this.
Where would I be
without it?

I am a fragment
of the books I've read.
The lines I underlined
to come back to again,
the characters I saw
a piece of myself in,
the events I read about
that hit home
a little too hard.

I am a fragment
of my flaws,
my mistakes,
my imperfections.
They've eaten me alive
for most of my life
but I am beginning
to come to terms
with them.
I am seeing
the beauty I once
refused to see
within them.

I am a fragment
of my emotions.
They were always
valid and real
despite those who
tried to convince me
otherwise.
The smiles and laughs
were just as significant
as the screams and tears.
I tell myself,
"you were never crazy...
you were just figuring
yourself out."

I am a fragment
of love.
Those that I loved,
those that never
loved me.
The times that
love evoked
happiness,
the times that
love caused me
pain.
It's all the same
when you think
about it.
It was all for,
love.

I am a fragment
of the woman
I was and
the woman I am.
I didn't always
love myself like this
but god, I'm glad I
now do...
because this is something
that can never be
taken away from me.
"I am a fragment composed of other fragments."-Rebecca Lindenberg
Sierra Scanlan Nov 2014
To feel
for everything and everyone
is a curse
but also somehow
a blessing in disguise
I somehow am connected
to the entire world
simply through emotion
There are people in this world who don't seem to
care
enough
but then there's me
that cares enough for myself
and every single person that does
not
care
Some may call me
naive
overwhelming
or foolish
but I just can't walk through
life
stepping on feet
I have to be the one that lends
a hand
Wiser decisions have been made
putting others before myself is not one I'm proud of
I deserve  to show myself
more compassion
I just can't help what I see in others
that I don't see in
myself
something that's worth it
It's part of having a mind
that ultimately cares too much about everyone else
but not enough about itself
Sierra Scanlan Dec 2014
The fear
It crippled me
What would become of this home
After you were gone
You were always there
And then one day just like that
You weren't
I didn't want it to be
True
I wanted you back
There was so much I left
Unsaid
And what I did get to say
Just wasn't
Enough
You didn't get to know how much I loved
You
******
Sierra Scanlan Aug 2017
like a monster
under your bed,
grief knows
where you hide.

it knows
where to go
and how to
hit you
where it hurts.

it can take
the shape
of welcoming arms
and swallow you
in one gulp.

one moment,
you are high
on the top of the mountain
and the next,
you are at
the ocean bed,
not knowing how
to swim back
to shore.

you suffer in silence
because you're not sure
anyone would get it
or even listen.
you don't let yourself cry
because you don't want
to feel the sorrow
drip down your cheek.

it's a constant battle,
trying to come to terms
with how you feel
but also not drowning
in your own feelings.

i suppose the world
doesn't owe me
anything,
but i thought
it would be
a little more fair
to me.

grief doesn't care about
who you are.
it will find you,
when you least
expect it.

grief,
we've become good friends.
you know where i hide
my secrets,
my scars,
and the things that hurt.
i never wanted you to
take up such a big part
of my life,
but alas.

i haven't overcome
you yet,
one day i will.
i'm still waiting
to make peace
with my sadness.
Sierra Scanlan Dec 2014
I really believe in the past few months, I've changed and grown more than I have my entire life. I guess it's not much of surprise with the whole college thing, but I didn't see it coming. I'm not the person I was my freshman year of high school, heck, I'm not even the person I was in August. Change is a weird thing, but despite what we think, life isn't meant to be constant. I've learned a lot about love and even more so, falling out of love. I always thought the quote "if you love someone, let them go" was a cliche, but I promise you it's not once you're actually faced with the decision yourself. After sharing so much of your life with another individual, having to let them go can be an incredibly hard thing... but sometimes in order to prosper and grow, you both have to be apart. It doesn't mean the love was lost or that you still don't actually love them, it just shows that what you two shared was bigger than the two of you and it should be left at that... love that can't be explained, what a beautiful thing, right? I've learned a hell of a lot about friendships and the kind of people you want in your life. My amount of friends isn't abundant, but the quality of my friends is. My friends at home and my friends at school are not one of the same, but I think that's why I enjoy them so much. They bring different things to my life. My friends at school, it's unreal. I've experienced so much with them in the little four months I've known them. I'll never forget that Sunday where our daily lives seemed so little, because She was almost gone. My friends at home really proved that distance doesn't change a thing... home is always where the heart is. Pain I've realized is something we are lucky to experience, because it's real. How lucky are we to experience raw emotion? Emotions that are those of our own. I was always ashamed to feel hurt, to cry, to feel pain, or just feel emotion at all... but now I see that I should have been embracing it a long time ago. Those of us who aren't afraid to show how we feel are the true heroes. We let others know that it is okay, it's a part of life. Maybe we should stop thinking being overly emotional is a bad thing, it's a gift almost. To feel for everything and everyone, not everyone gets to experience that kind of thing and it's beautiful, really. Embrace your feelings because another day here is never guaranteed. I've learned that I'm beautiful, despite what anyone tries to tell me. No, my body isn't what makes me beautiful. My mind is what does. My ability to turn words of nonsense into gentle verses of poetry tells you more than my appearance ever will. I've realized that I think in the flow of poetry and I don't think I'll ever going to be the same again. Is that the joy of being a writer? When a sentence you say sounds like it came out of a novel and you find yourself rhyming, without even giving it a second thought. The last few days of 2014 have felt longer than the entire year itself. The end of 2014 is a blur really, high school isn't something I like to give much of a second thought to... and as for starting my new adventure, college has been something for the books. Memories I'll never forget and people I want to be around when I'm one day married with little people who are half of me. These last few days have felt extremely significant and changed me without even meaning to. I've just realized how precious life is, how **** lucky we are to be standing here... Life is a bunch of little moments that are part of a bigger picture, they all set one another off. Every little thing matters. I've realized my words have the ability to change the world, maybe they already have? But you see, I'm just getting started. I'm just beginning to grow and mature. My journey has far more twists and turns and I don't know where I'll end up, but isn't that the wonder of life?
It's been a hell of a year, what will 2015 bring?
Sierra Scanlan Jan 2015
I've tried, I really have, to wrap my mind around you and who it is you are, but I really can't seem to. I've never met another person of your kind, your build, your persona. You've endured so much pain in your life so far but yet you still have your own strange personal sense of hope and I don't think anything is more beautiful. The way you make me feel like I've known you all my life, is simply unreal. You understand me better than the people I've been around for years, how do you do that? I tore the walls down for you, the walls that I usually hold up so high. I just had a feeling about you and that feeling has proven to be, right. I've always been told to go with your gut feeling. The words you speak have such a flow to them that I think I could spend an entire day listening to you talk. Your stories are fascinating and the way you put your sentences together are so delicate, but still hit hard. The amount of wisdom I can decipher through your words is unreal. You're so beyond your time. You're so honest with your emotion, you let yourself be vulnerable and you don't even care. It's impossible to not appreciate a person who lets their flaws and true emotions be visible. Now that you are a daily part of my day, it's much different...but the best feeling of different I've ever experienced.

*One day, you will be the strongest and smartest man alive. I promise.
This is for you.
Sierra Scanlan Dec 2014
If only we could take the pain
of the ones we love
and somehow put that weight
on our own shoulders
Sierra Scanlan Jan 2015
I feel most at home
when my pencil is hitting the paper
or my fingers are hitting the keys

I write to have a voice
a voice that screams to be heard
a voice that has been crying out
for so long

I am no longer willing to sit in silence
I deserve to be heard
and I'll scream until someone listens

My pain has been overlooked
my words have been belittled
my voice has been hushed

But not for any longer
I spent so many years in silence. I refuse to ever relive that time of my life again.
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