There aren't many days
in which your presence
couldn't improve the quality
but some days
I can feel your absence

As we sit around the dinner table
and talk about our days
I yearn to hear how yours was

While we smoke by the fire
it feels as though
we are missing something

There are moments
that are so deafeningly silent
that they scream your name

It's as though we still expect
to hear your voice
fill in the pauses in conversation

It is always the little moments
the casual gatherings
beer in hand

those are the moments
that you live for
and taught me to appreciate

The smoke licks my fingertips
as I light the cigar
a fix of nicotine on a bad day
a way to keep the bad thoughts at bay
A long pull fills my mouth
with a bitter taste of artificial grape
A low for me I guess you could call it
A hypocrite I guess you could call me

Her eyes lit up as we drove into the farm
a gorgeous landscape of flowers and horses
a crowd of inviting people
who said they loved her
but hurt her
every day
I could see the frustration
as they told her no
to the simplest of things
because she was female
and watched as her younger male cousin
was always put on a pedestal
for all his "hard work"

This is the place she called home
because although it wasn't perfect
And it wasn't painless
It did hurt less than
The way "mom and dad" did
It didn't cut as deep
As the shards of broken glass
scattered through the kitchen did
It felt like love
compared to living with two
that despised each other
It may not have been everyone's joy
but it was paradise to her

No longer just a living room
the space had transformed
into something more intimate
void of screens
the lovely voices of those who were present
opened up the space to laughter
to sharing and stories
hot tea and biscuits in hand
a smile on my face
and a comfort I had never known before

I have such disdain for the words "I Love You"
these words have been said a billion times to me
by some who mean it
but by more who don't

they were the words used
by the boy who ***** me
to explain why he had put himself inside me

they were the words muttered
at the end of my parents phone calls
hoping to convince themselves
or maybe others
that they cared for one another

I have said these words to acquaintances
family members I barely know
and even passerby's

But for some reason they are still the only words
that come to mind
when trying to let you know
how you brighten my days
how your smile warms my heart
and how every time I think of you my eyes light up

I love you
but there's so much more than that
I want you to know
there is meaning behind the words

I ask and beg and plead
just a moment alone
with nothing to do
I have been so busy
I want some time off
but only two hours alone
can make me feel lonely

a half step back and a quick turn
brings our lips within inches of one another
you lean into me
your soft lips resting against mine
as your hand brushes across my side
landing on the small of my back
and pulling me in
to you
to that moment
everything falls away
nothing else exists
just your body against mine
as our lips playfully dance together

Politics jut aren't my thing
I don't care who you vote for
I won't judge you based on your political party

but I do want to say

That is hurts me to see
so many Americans be so callous and rude
to others based on their religion or race
to watch others suffer
in countries where their leaders
are committing genocide
and when their last hope is
to run away from their home, family
everything that they've ever known
in hopes of finding safety
in hopes that they may be able to survive without fear
but then they are met with cruelty at our borders
hate in our country

What does America stand for
if not freedom and hope?
Is the American dream dead?

Bad love will hurt you
it will crush you into tiny pieces
make you into someone
you don't even recognize
it'll bring you to your wits end
you will bleed out all your love
trying to give them everything, anything
just so you feel loved back

but healthy love will heal you
make you feel complete
and capable

I see only absence in his eyes
where love should be

I wonder sometimes
if it would have hurt more
had I grown up
immortalizing him in memories and stories
knowing that had he been there
he would have loved his baby girl
truly and deeply
or if watching him
fail to love me
day after day
year after year
is as painful as death

You say you are in love
but it looks an awful lot like agony
there are moments when I see
the smiles on your faces
the cute little notes
reminding each other
that you are loved
but it hurts me when I can hear
you screaming at her
and her yelling back
when she storms out of a room
and you have to take care of her
when you say "let me ask her if I can"
as if she owns you

Maybe I am just too close to you
I only hear when things are wrong
cause when they are right you are with her
but I want true love for you
and I am afraid
you will stick with comfort
because it's easier than being alone
and wondering
if that was your only shot

I only write in red
I wield a pen full of blood
the pain giving meaning
to the careless actions of my wrist

breathe in
breathe out


                                                           ­                      THEN JUMP

I wanted us
I truly did
but you are bad at receiving
and you don't know how to give
I feel like I am throwing my love
into a black hole
and begging the night
to give me light
when all it knows is dark
sometimes the stars shine through
which gave me hope
but I need a sun
and you are in a whole different galaxy
I don't own a spaceship
I can't make this work

You made something
that was so comfortable
so mine, so safe
into a place I am scared of
it doesn't feel like home anymore
I find shelter in other places

some days I hate you for it
I know it wasn't your intention
but the outcome is the same either way

Sitting still and doing nothing
is not an option when motion is impending

We dreamed a lot
We dreamed together
Letting our minds wander
into a state of bliss, far away from reality
We dreamed of places we would visit
Of the accomplishments we would have together
We dreamed that the world was ours
and together nothing was impossible
Our dreams were crisp and beautiful
no imperfections or flaws
just exquisite ideas to keep us going
But our dreams were too perfect
and when I had to say goodbye
to the idea of you and I
I ripped our dreams in half
so you could keep yours and I could keep mine
and I clung to this partial dream
As if it were my destiny

I am realizing now it may have never been mine
only a way for me to fit into your dreams
and I don't want to carry around this hope of yours
I want to create my own path
I want to dream up my own future

someone planted a seed of sadness inside of him along time ago
it took root and began to bloom before he even knew
at first he fought it, trying to trim it down, choke it out
but it was tougher than he expected
so he learned to live with it
but each day it grew, its roots reaching to the tips of his toes
it poisoned any joy that tried to reclaim him
he started watering it and caring for it
more than he even did himself
It became so apart of him that he could not separate the two
he no longer wanted it to die
for fear that its death
might **** him

I knew that eventually you'd hurt me
I knew that I couldn't be friends with a girl
who wielded a knife so loosely
without getting cut a time or two
I assumed they'd be accidental
that you'd just get a little too close
and nick me in the side
but oh how I wish
Even a jab at my arm or stomach
wouldn't have hurt
the way it did
when you stabbed me in the back
disappointment and regret
flowing from me
as I am on my knees
and not even an apology
from the girl with a ****** knife

Artists are often
broken people
using the fragments of themselves
to create something new
and although
being healed
feels so complete
sometimes i want to be broken again
sometimes i want open wounds
so i can use the blood
to paint sunsets
so i can use the torn off pieces of skin as a canvas
so i can carve
masterpieces with the jagged bones left behind
but I can't bring myself to break my own heart in the name of Art

We are always the victim of our own story
We fashion wings of innocence for ourselves
accessorized by a halo of compassion and charity
Then we paint a mask on others
using colors such as greed and hatefulness
to show how truly evil they were
never wanting to admit our own fault
for fear of realizing our lingering evil inside

The disappointment of your own mistakes
Is greater than any let down from a friend
It is a cruel reminder that sometimes
you aren't capable of accomplishing
everything you set out to do
and that sometimes its yourself that gets in the way
and the worst part is you have no one to blame

I quietly listen in
as they talk about home
about their lives outside of this office
I got lonely and drank ***** till I fell asleep
and wonder how such educated, well off people
could live such lonely lives
I am working on making a bed frame for my twin size bed
why don't these people have anything
and everything they have ever wanted
I think this weekend I will just watch movies alone
they worked so hard and accomplished so much
in their efforts toward education

did they put that before friendship, before love?

There was no peace
There was no decency
No soul or heart
it was neither home nor house
it was cold and dim
the metal trapping me in
isolated but never truly alone
it was all I had
no where to go

The social media craze
of being just a little bit in on the latest gossip
of everyone you have ever known in life
always has me comparing
my work to theirs
trying to compare success
as though it could be measured on a scale
how much weight does
my degree carry
What about their degree
Am I better because I went to school longer
Or am I worse off, drowning in loans
Does pay matter
Are they doing what they love
More importantly, Am I doing what I love?

I can never imagine us being
after having not been for so long
the rift in time
pulled us apart
and there is no way to cross the gap
no bridge you can build
leaving my memories
floating down the stream
underneath your feet
it does not work like that
I can not
I will not
be a retrograde version
of myself
and
who I am now
Is not who you would want
I have come to realize time has ruined
anything we could have had

I've found that my balance
is dependent on light
at night
I begin to waiver
to and fro
Not knowing which way is right
I tend to fall
on the nights
when the moon has no presence
the stars
never seem to be enough
to keep me up
and there I wait till morning light
small tears gliding over my cheeks
my mind running in circles

I
Could
Explore
His
Broken
Soul
&
Live
In It
Like a
Home

Golden light falls on a beautiful beach
warming the skin of olive colored surfers
The waves playing with their feet
tickling their toes as it comes up
to the point where land and sea meet
The noise of life surrounding them
waves crashing, birds chirping, children playing

I always thought my mother was rigid
harsh
rude
and unforgiving
when it came to outsiders
she didn't put up with people if she didn't feel like it
she never let people ******* her
she was confrontational
and I didn't understand
I just thought she was stubborn
but maybe
she had just been run over
enough times
that she wasn't willing
to let someone throw her under the bus
maybe she could see it coming
when someone wasn't being real with her
maybe she had the right
to stand up for herself

Sometimes life gives you no's
there may not be a reasonable explanation
Not even a justification
Just a no
And you have to know how to deal with that

I am on the other side of this thing
Not to say I am over it
But I can see things clearer
My thoughts aren't fogged
with a billion emotions
And I now see that
     You needed this
     I needed this
     We needed this
As much as I miss you
I am happy to have been
apart from you as well
To do things on my own for a while
be spontaneous
Not worry about anothers opinion

And although the future is still a mystery to me
**I know that I am where I need to be right now

I grew up being told
You can do whatever you want
You can have whatever you want
You can achieve anything
if you try hard enough

And as beautifully motivational and uplifting as this is

It isn't true all the time

You can't just have whatever you want
Sometimes people stand in the way
Sometimes your obstacles are too big
Sometimes its better to find something new to strive for

You can't get so set on something
because you've been told its possible
that you pull yourself apart trying to achieve it

You can't do everything
There aren't enough hours in the day

And for some it comes down to luck

Maybe if you didn't know better
when you looked inside my shoe box
you'd think it was just paper

but that paper has more value
than all the cash you can stuff in a wallet
because that box has the papers
that put a smile on my face
that keep me going, on days
when I just have no go left

And if you are important enough
to make it in the shoe box
then in my mind you have done something right
And Ali had done something right
She had told me to persevere
when everyone told me to give up
she said that sometimes love is worth waiting for
And I was the only one who could possibly know
if he was the type of love, you wait for

As I sat unpacking my room
still caught in the love that tangled me up
A note slipped out of the box
and her words caught my eye
"Sometimes **** love can feel like a fairytale,
And sometimes fairytale love can feel like ****"

It made me feel like maybe it was okay
to still love him
Because our love was never ****
It just felt like **** some days
But nothing is perfect
And I am not one for giving up
Especially not on fairytale love

I want to SCREAM at the top of my lungs
I want to jump up and down
waving my arms about
I want to grab him and shake him

But I know it wont help

He doesn't see it anymore
the love we used to have
its just a memory to him
and I can't figure out
why he thinks its so out of reach
to have again

IT IS RIGHT HERE

Yeah we went through some ****
and we had to set some
stuff on the shelf
but it didn't move
its just sitting here

please just come and get it

Am I dumb?
have you been trying to show me
this whole time
and I'm just too daft to see it
have your words
been saying yes
while all your actions
say NO
Am I just a pathetic girl
chasing shadows of something that will never be