looking for your face
in the rays of ephemeral light
surely you must be golden

listening for your name
in the songs on my radio
the words pass by soft and slow

images of the calm before calamity
like waves rolling over to riptides
my heart drops, thunders, and shakes

understanding as never been my forte
love has yet to approach me and stay
mr. cupid must have forgotten an arrow

like a compass that has lost north
spinning without pattern, without end
my heart races erratically, unmoored
by just the soft touch of your hand

brother knows you better
brother knows you the best
he stands beside you, steady
as they lay your lover to rest

“i’m sorry,” he whispers, softly and slowly
why is it now that he chooses to be kind?
when all that you have ever wanted
is now six feet under, left behind

weeks later still, he watches you with sorrow
and under the weight of his gaze, you crack
anger flares and strikes
“why do you look at me like that?”

he turns his head away
but you’re stubborn and won’t turn back
“what loss have i suffered that you must be
so sorry, and look at me like that?”  

brother had always been a poet
he had always been soft with words
but the ones that gave his answer
this time, they really did hurt

“tell me,” you had demanded,
your breath puffing under the sun.
he had smiled bitterly as he replied—
                                        “a great one.”

don't ******* text your friends while
you're ******* driving and now
i'm this close to throwing your phone
out the window and into the highway so
put your phone down because
i'm trying to talk to you
and right now i'm trying to ******* say
that you shouldn't ******* text your friends
when you're behind the wheel
because you can crash and **** someone
and you're important to me
and i don't ******* want you or me to die
and if you're important to me then
i'm willing to spend my ******* time on you
and when i spend my time on someone
i'm pretty much just spending my ******* money
and you already know that most of the time
i don't have any ******* money and if i did
i would be spending that money on sunshine
and time to try and make us happier so
if you don't like what i have to offer
then i'm telling you to say ******* to my offer
and to stop being a coward and
to tell me how you really feel or
just get the hell out of here because
if you're wasting my money already
i refuse to let you waste my ******* time because
i've already spent years wasted on you
but you won't ******* love me back
the way i ******* love you and
instead every single time when
i want to leave you just have to pull me back
because you think that it's a great
decision to drag me along to
all of your ******* adventures with
all of your ******* friends and
all of your ******* boyfriends only
to ******* tell me that i never
really stood a chance with you
and that you just want us to be friends
but clearly you don't even understand how
to ******* be friends with someone
because if you ******* did you would be
talking to me in the car right now
and not texting your friends and
flirting with me nonstop and
i wouldn't have to be ******* remind you
how ******* dangerous it is
to text and drive.

according to einstein, time is relative
and by the law of jumping to conclusions
this means our lives are inconsequential

so technically, i could spend a forever in jail, or
you could spend a couple years in a hospital bed
and nothing would really matter all

relative to me, however,
one of these situations would be bearable
and the other not so much

i can live with my dumb decisions
like driving too fast for too long or
even ****** for a righteous cause, too

i can survive my self-destructive tendencies
but my world centers itself around you

isn't it crazy how august flies by
these scars from summer that i thought would never fade
they've blurred together and paled with time

we hold our breaths watching
shadows dance around violet candles
the air is hot and humid and
filled with unspoken confessions

the flames flicker with visions
of all the stories we could create
under a cloak of sweat and fire
dreams of love become one with desire

let me light another candle

the purple one, for its scent
even thousands of miles away
if there is one thing i know, it is this:
lavender will always remind me of you

before i bought these airpods
we used to share earbuds
and sit on the swings—

there was a nice and calm
between us every time we laughed
even as my phone fell and its screen cracked

you know, i hated beautiful clichés
(and i loved romanticized tragedies)
until we became one

there is something so intimate
in the way you shed my robes
in the sway of your hips
and the red of your lips

in the way your body stretches
under my seamless silk sheets
wearing nothing but fine gold
what a sight to behold

forget the silk sheets and fancy robes

they have always looked better on you
but: this sight of lost control
and the flush against your cheeks
this is the intimacy i crave and seek

Look, I think that it's perfectly normal for you to feel hurt and betrayed and just... be heartbroken and upset over someone like him. Because even though I always saw the ******* in him, it doesn't mean the guy you saw was invalid.

You just saw another side of him that I never saw, and I can't judge you for that, because if I had seen that side first, I'm sure that I would've probably done the same that you did and felt the same as you had.

But... I just want you to know, even though we've drifted apart over the years, I'm still here for you.

I'll always be here for you. You'll always have my shoulders to lean on, and you can always count on me to have your back. This is what friends are for, even ones that have started walking down different roads.

I'll turn around and come back for you. If I can't find my way back down the road, I'll pave a path to the middle so we can be friends again.

I know you probably don't want to trust me, but I'm your friend. He's broken your trust, but you should know I would never do that. I've never done it before, and I don't plan on ever doing it in the future.

I'll be with you, and together, we'll make through these hard times. Time heals everything. You'll turn out to be okay. I'll turn out to be fine, and I'll stay by your side. We'll be alright. It'll all be alright.

But right now, it's okay to not be alright.

Let it out. Cry it out. Scream it out. I'll listen.

Right now, I can't help but think that this situation is just like that one thing I learned in physiology class. Situs inversus, that condition where major organs' locations are inverted in the chest, and your heart's on the right side, instead of the left.

That's all that it is. It's just situs inversus for you right now. Your heart's just in the wrong place, with the wrong person.

In the end, you just have to wait. One day, the right person is going to waltz into your life, or run into you in the middle of the street, or something of that sorts, and it'll be alright.

I know that you're hurting, but you should know that you're loved. Because you are.

Loved, I mean. You are loved, and I mean it.

You're loved and you've been hurt and you probably think that it all ends with him, but don't worry. Don't worry at all. It's going to be okay. I'll be here with you for as long as you want me to stay.

It'll be alright.

You'll learn to trust again.

You'll learn to love again.

humming tunes, singing blues, dancing jewels
miss looking for love is dancing all over your leather shoes
over uneven pavement, over failed engagements
i sent your ring back, i couldn't bear to see it, nor sell it

even now, my six-eight time signatures are still bringing
your custom-length tailcoats to a Viennese waltzing
all while your upper-echelon friends keep pretending
like they don't find satisfaction in my subtle mourning

tonight is all humming tunes, singing blues, and dancing jewels  
i am still lingering, still humming our tunes, still singing our blues,
i am still feigning ignorance, and my finger is still missing a jewel,
i am still center stage, but someone else dances with you

here is something that is easy to forget
yet somehow so difficult
to find and recognize

the lights of the brightest stars you've met
are sometimes mere residuals
of unsaid goodbyes

snap back to reality
where we sneak out of windows
and bike down the midnight streets
with weary hearts and unsteady feet
to meet each other
in the middle of the night
the only time we can hold each other
without being burdened by judging eyes

a cardboard closet just for you and me
in the corner of the universe
where we hide silently, waiting
for the planets to align, waiting
for the stars to align, waiting
for some kind of sign
simply just waiting while
we are lost in each other's eyes

and after a long time
i finally realized
that the constellations in the sky
have always aligned
with lines of your hands
and the curve of your waist
and even the glow of dying stars
reflected the warmth of your skin

but snap back to reality,
with cameras in the corners
and sneaking out is like escaping hell
and with a window comes freedom
but free-falling fifteen feet down
and landing myself in the hospital
with a broken leg or a bruised ego
would just make things worse

so this becomes the reason why
i am choking on my breath under a dark sky
with a heart that has forgotten how to beat
a mouth that has forgotten how to speak
and lungs that have forgotten how to breathe
because i am trapped within a false reality
of what could have been and should have been
of what we were and what we could never be

silence rings aloud
waiting to be broken by you
with a litany of praises
my name as interludes

murmured against my skin
falling from your tongue
slipping through your lips
squeezed between the steady pulses

this is truly all we need

there is something so beautiful
about the tranquility of silence
but: my name sounds so lovely
when you are breathless

hyacinthus, i am selfish
everyone already knows that
i would sacrifice the world for you
and not once consider turning back

the flowers you weaved into wreaths when
we were two boys in love with each other
they sat like crowns upon our heads
we were just two kings in a field of flowers

aphrodite warned me what was written in stone
that my father had given only one throne
she warned me that it could never fit two kings
but when my gaze landed on you, i disagreed

for you, i would have offered my throne
for you, i would have traded my crown
for you, i would have sacrificed the world
for you by my side, i would have let it all burn down

but for you, hyacinthus,
i will also learn to be selfless
i will listen to your soft, dying words
and upon river styx, i will promise:

i will not tear the world apart
to have you by my side again
i will be bitter, i will be vengeful
but i will not act upon my vengeance

for the sake of this undeserving world
for my love towards you, i will be selfless
for the sake of your dying wish, hyacinthus,
i will swear, i will promise:

i will let you go softly,
i will not be selfish,
i will let you go gently, my love—
gently, but not unnoticed

in the few moments
before dreamland crashed into reality
the skies glittered like cities of light

there was the sight of your bright eyes
admiring in the soft candlelight
the silhouette of your finger

tracing the constellations as
you shared a story of dusk and dawn
leading to the promises of a forever

which rolled from your tongue and became
the only words that ever mattered as much as the
"of course, i care," which you melded into lullabies

that repelled the terrors of loneliness
of wars in the heavens and monsters in the dark
your smile radiated light and

in the way your warmth surrounded me
you became young apollo
and i, your uncursed, loving daphne

summer slipped through like a snapshot in time
and in the midst of this chaos we call life
i've lived a little and learned a bit more

so if the price of faint crow's feet aligning with my eyes
are a couple of scars and a couple of cut strings
i'd do all it over again just to feel this happy

laughs carried down by an ocean breeze
we spin beach umbrellas like strip poles
as the world spins beneath our feet
your smile is contagious, and i know

i have the worst tanline in a history of tanlines
but this is the best time i've had in a long time

desire tastes like fine wine and honey
mixed with thin flakes of gold
that drip from your parted lips
as mine trace the hollow of your throat

desire is my language
my fluency in lust brings me
to the sight of your glazed eyes
your fists clenching my silk sheets

cherry chapstick could never

it never could have compared: not when
your lips are ambrosia and nectar
let me worship you like you are
simply fit for the gods

we kissed once in the backseat
of a dull yellow taxi with
love in our suitcases and mouths

then, another in the backstreets of brooklyn
as the boys hooted at us and whistled
hollering under their hoops

"****, y'all lookin' fine"
and we raised our middle fingers
like it was a salute to the gods

i know this is overused
it feels like just yesterday but
years have passed in a blink

perhaps i am just selfish
but i have yet to move on
i still cannot ride a taxi alone

hope sits silently and oh, how it watches
silently from the seat across from me
clinging to what is left of me

they say it's a god-given right
a necessity, meant to be
a part of the American life

but tell me, do you know what it's like
to have to the cold steel of a barrel
pressed between your innocent eyes?

i wish i had known how to hold on
to good things while they lasted
and appreciate them for what they were

but alas, i am a coward
a selfish coward who never learned
that the weight of my words

was just as painful as the blow of a fist
and the spark in your eyes
were drowned out by the fires in my mind

my insecurities and paranoia
drove even the kindest away
this was why the good never stayed with me

                         shakespeare spoke the truth
                         the fault had never been in the stars
                         but in my own self

We began as specks,
particles of dusk,
seen in a foreign place
from centuries away.

The prophecies had foreseen it.  
The oracle had spoken—
a collision so small in size,
yet so great in power

would tear the sky off its hinges
and send it crashing
through the mountains,
burying to the bottom of sea.

You were a bundle of white,
born on a boat on a summer day
as the clouds shimmered in tranquility,
and the sky reflected the sea.

I was born ****** and destitute,
with shadows so obsidian,
they claimed my soul and
set the sky on fire.

Two opposing forces like
you and me
had always been destined
for disaster.

There are bruises on my knees
and blood dripping from my chin.
A bandage is stuck
on my cheek, beside my grin.

I have seen only a few summers,
yet I am already addicted.
The darkness retreats
to the corner of my soul.

The shadows kept me captive,
but the sunlight broke the bonds.
That moment, I knew, I was never
and will never be a caged bird.

The first time we met
was when we were six.
Your knees were pale and smooth.
Mine were littered with scars.

The first time we met,
They waited for the sky to fall.
They waited for days, until
they realized the sky was not falling.

Life went on.
We grew side by side.
The sky had yet to crash
into the sea.

They waited—
months flew by—
the prophecies cannot be wrong!
they said, shocked.

I told them that prophecies were just fairytales.
I was six, and I didn't believe in fairytales.
I told them they were wrong.
I was too confident.

It took a few years to find ourselves.
In that time, my hair grew out,
and your height grew tall.
We grew like sunflowers.

All the other girls wanted crowns,
along with a Prince Charming,
while I took up fencing, and learned
how to shoot a basketball properly.

You learned the arts, how to
play sharp staccatos and paint pastel skies,
while the boys your age were
breaking windows with baseballs.

Your performances stunned the crowds.
Your fingers moved mountains.
You came to my competitions.
My saber moved faster than light.

From a distance, was how we grew.
We were the sky and the sea,
watching each other from a distance.
So close, yet so far apart.

my hands reach for the strings
but i have butterfingers, and i hesitate too much
another missed chance, another lost opportunity

i wanted to tell you first
the confession was sitting on my tongue
but it burned down my cowardly throat instead

every time, the acceptance settles in my heart
heavy, like a small weight on my chest
at least i can carry my regrets without anyone seeing

go ahead, keep the lights shining on me
as i dance with someone who deserves better
who should have received a whole world

but if you look closely, all i had to offer was an arm to hold
and a smile for the pictures when we needed to pose
for my whole world was already in someone else's arms

your breath lingers on my skin
even as your body pulls away
the bass beat drops to the rhythm
of the thing pounding my chest

your fingers trace my figure
every touch is a blessing and a curse
goosebumps at these drops of gasoline
that set my body on fire

if the touch of your fingers

is enough to make me fall
six feet under, straight to hell
imagine what happens when
you give the grace of your lips

i hate how you're so utterly perfect
i wonder if other people also notice it
how your scattered freckles mimic the stars
little dipper's tail has made home by your lips

i hate your contagious smile, that look in your eyes
for your perfect boyfriend and his indie rock band
i am no longer myself; i am hopelessly tossing coins
and wishing to hold a constellation in my hand

cheap perfume, dreadful news, i pay my dues while
miss drunk and deluded decides to trip all over my shoes
i'm her champagne flush, a nicotine rush, and her unrequited crush
but the only thing i ever notice is how the crowds hush

when you start humming tunes, singing blues, like you always do
your smile subtle, warm, holding far more joy than it ever used to
i sold your ring to the highest bidder, but my best friend actually likes you
he persuaded me to donate it all, it’s what you would've wanted me to do

so while tonight is all cheap perfume, dreadful news, and paying dues  
when miss drunk and deluded once again steps all over my poor shoes
it's easy to smile and stay calm because i'm drunk and deluded, too
and when i dance with my eyes closed, i am slow waltzing with you

the romantics
after meeting you
will idealize love

the poets
after loving you
will romanticize loss

i fall asleep in the back of ubers, to the sounds
of middle-aged drivers talking to their loved ones
giving advice, the smell of spice, my temple on the window
just playing a mental jeopardy with the meanings behind
those accented words of languages i don't understand
perhaps, once upon a time, i did, but now, no longer

i sleep like a stranger in my own home, climbing
into my bed without caution, with atrophying bones
it's a debilitating exhaustion, it's characteristic of aging
of falling and forgetting about the friendships and benefits
that broke through my bed slats, plus the flash-lit attempts
to fix the unfixable with feminist texts and crumpled cash

i dream about my mother as another, and her neck
remains untouched, perhaps only adorned with pearls
so wide, and so bright, and the garage door is always unlocked
it's comfort, it's nostalgia, it's the furthest i've been from home
and when the radio turns on, i wake to unfamiliar laughter, and
"i miss my dog, and i miss falling in love," and everything's amiss
and all i can do is sit here, tipping a stranger as i reminisce

a lover by day
and an artist by night
the epitome of perfection

let me paint you like you are
the heavenly piece of art you are
let the world see you through my eyes

the likes of an angel of love
sculpted by michelangelo
blessed by venus herself

brushstrokes simply cannot do you justice
50mm lens still cannot show the world the truth
cold clay cannot compare to eucalyptus eyes

forget these superficial takes
let's make art, my love
let's make love

what a tragedy it would have been
if you had loved me when i had confessed
because now i know, i hadn't understood then

that my definition of love had been  
not so much actually loving but rather just
a romanticized idea of being in love instead

perhaps i kept you like a secret, but
you spilled and overflowed into everything i did
lingered oh-so-noticeably, like an expensive perfume
perhaps you left me, but you also left your presence
like coffee stains on my journals, like, despite my wishes
all of your reserved enunciations and misspelled mannerisms
still shadow alongside every line that i reluctantly write
my parents say i am selfish, and perhaps they are right
my friends say this is hopeless, i hate that they're always right
perhaps i still sing about how we were "right person, wrong time"
perhaps i still write about a different us living out a different life
one where getting to love you is still a privilege of mine
perhaps i've finally stopped writing about the day we reunite
perhaps i can't move on, perhaps i lie, perhaps you'll understand
when i tell you over lunch, on the verge of tears, that i'm afraid
that i will suffer a case of unrequited love until the day that i die

times passes slowly now
the only times that had mattered
have all rolled on by

gone with the wind
and the dust has now settled
memories fade with the rays of light

our golden hour is in the past
night falls onto our shoulders
my mind is hesitant to say if it is heavier

than the weight of your words
when you said you were finally happy
my heart bled gold for you