the last time I cried this much
is when the last boy from a few years ago
came back to me starry-eyed and rosy-cheeked
professing how he felt like a rockstar: and I realized in my heart he couldn't be for me, so I had to end it, but before that
I cried in my stained floor, broken floor, all mine,
alone for the love that never could be because I was too fed up
and he couldn't be only mine. I've prayed to leave this life,
to have my life with his bony knees and his brown eyes,
not the life I've known before: the life in his thin arms and his beard I could live in, maybe, is it full of secrets, those hairs?
the way his eyelashes come down: and it pains me to think this.
don't you ask me if you are bad for me because my man you are not, nowhere near it: all these issues stem from me, please understand:
I am trying, don't misunderstand the yearn and the pain that comes from the screams in my dreams: my throat needs to speak and when I am like this its just her coming out, the little girl,
you said we'd do it, we'd do it:
my toes curl onto the glass edge: planar and around the room, it spins a never-ending scape, today I needed to sleep but I couldn't care less about the impact of this on my flow: but my health must sustain and it must be okay.
in the sky something silvery drops behind the walls and painting prepositiosn that litter my writing still: I even tried learning your language, why, why, whereabouts, why, why, whereabouts, why, why, whereabouts, where are your hands? I asked if you could be a good man and if you could treat me right. I asked you to not hurt me in those ways, you know what ways, you know you said okay, to those ways to the whys. mia, mia, eres mia, mia mia, eres mia. eres mia. mia, mia. eres mia. mia, eres. eres mia. mia. mia. mia. por que? eres mia, mia. mia, mia. eres mia. mia, eres. mia. mia. mia. mia. mia. eres mia. my eyes glance at that blue bulb watching for a white wall to appear: mia, mia, eres mia. mia. mia. eres mia, mia, eres, mia, mia, eres. sleepy eyed. I care: yes, I care. I cared so much I'm that child behind, I'm that woman that's behind: ring or not, legality or not, don't leave me behind. my rips holl backwards and forwards, the ancients they scared me and my eyes are heavy. eres mia. mia, mia, mia.

gudarna avgudar oss.

"Eight Geats and twenty-two Norwegians
on an exploration journey from Vinland to the west.
We had camp by two skerries
one day's journey north from this stone.

[We] have ten men by the sea to look after our ships,
fourteen days' travel from this island.  
We were [out] to fish one day.
After we came home [we] found ten men red of blood and dead.“

“save [us] from evil."

A record of the delightful piece
They're going to play this evening

Ladies and gentlemen
Your attention please
And now, the moment we've been waiting for is here
I- I have something to tell you

Que sera, sera
Whatever will be
(Remember) Will be

The birth was like a fat black tongue
Dripping tar and dung and dye
Slowly into my shivering eyes

I might walk upright
But then again
I might still try to die

Never prayed, never paid any attention
Never felt any inflection
Never a lot of thought to life

"Che gelida manina,
se la lasci riscaldar.
Cercar che giova?

Al buio non si trova."

And yet From listening to records
i just knew what to do
I mainly taught myself
And, you know, i did pretty well
Except there were a few mistakes
But um, that i made, uh
That i've just recently cleared up
And i'd like to just continue to be able to express myself
As best as i can with this instrument
And i feel like i have a lot of work to do
Still, i'm a student - of the voice
And i'm also a teacher of the voice too

I believe in the future
I don't believe in miracles

Can it be true?!
It must be true, no doubt!

Life is going on as normally as ever
But suddenly something seems to have happened
Everybody seems to be staring in one direction
People seem to be frightened, even terrified

Some nights it just gets worse than others
Some nights, it just
Gets worse
I feel terrible
But what can we do?
I don't know
It's just, a feeling I've got
Like, something's about to happen
But I don't know what

I want everybody to understand this

"I don't understand"
echoes
"I don't understand"

There're a lot of things we don't understand either

Where do we come from, who are we
And where are we going
Eternal questions never answered

"We need answers from you
What- What did you expect to find?
What is going to be our future?
It- It's your responsibility to do something about it!"

Well, I, uh...
I have the key in my hand
All I have to find is the lock
Now listen to me, all of you!

I fly to the strangest lands

And i would like to able to continue
To let what is inside of me
Which is, which comes from all the music that i hear
I would like for that to come out
And it's like, it's not really me that's coming
The music's coming through me

The music's coming through me

It caught me so that I may never
rest from pwondarement;
I will drink life from the bees.
All tore-ments I have enjoy'd greatly,
have suffer'd greatly,
both with throwse that loved me,
and alone; on tear,
and when thro' thudding rents the cravy Haeades
Vent-teh-din-see. I am become a thought;
For all-ways growming with a hungry deadhead
Much have I heard and throwned—
poprieities of Brads and Janets
And spanners,
prime-hates, clowncils, reed-covernments,
Myself too.
threast, i am tonor'd of them all,--
And drunk delight of rattle with my tyears,
Far on the stinging pains of dramatic irony.
I am a partition of all that I have kept;
Yet all expeerientse is an ark
wherethro' gleams that unpondere'd mind whose margin craves
metaforever
and 'fore ever
when
eyes
groove

To see the wizard!

Wake up, the roughest
In the name of, birds fly
(the light, march)
Reach the wizard
Follow, follow, follow
-by league, birds fly

They move on tracks of never-ending light
Like neon beams
stardust

I see it when I look up at the night sky and I know
that yes we are part of this universe
we are in this universe but perhaps
more importantly than both of those things
is that the universe
is in us

And since we cannot escape mother nature
We attempt to placate it
Modern civilization stems from the simple act
Of placing seeds and plants into the ground
When the plants are ready for harvest
We invest so much time and energy in tending our plants
We must stay around to enjoy the fruits of our labor

we can hear her voice whimper,
as wind through leaves,
while we speak:

Cara bella, cara mia bella!
Mia bambina, o Chell!
Ché la stimo...
Ché la stimo.

O cara mia, addio!
La mia bambina cara,
Perché non passi lontana?
Sì, lontana da natura,
Cara, cara mia bambina?
Ah, mia bella!
Ah, mia cara!
Ah, mia cara!
Ah, mia bambina!
O cara, cara mia...

Mia cara!
Ah, mia cara!
Ah, mia bambina!
O cara, cara mia...

Orville and Wilbur
Cold cut the anchor's from their ankle
Carving propellers from whale fins
In the back of a bicycle shop...
And thus begins the tale
Of the thumb trigger cloud ****
At last the Wright's reinvented the horse with wings
Another invention only fit for a mannequin

And One by one the angels fell
Ode had sent a horrible plague of deaths
Why do you think that Ode would do a thing like that?

Well, You put a veil up when you
Took all your things underground
You covered your own footprints
So no one saw you hide
You heard Ode treading in the
Shadows of the sycamore
You turned to Ode and you said
"I will learn nothing from you"

And so it was that Memories burn
On the black and white horizon
Of your knowledge of
What was never said
you've had enough of the road
That was laid along beside you
Like a lover meant
For another bed
And so you left in the morning
And all that's left behind you
Are the fading frames
That you've got instead

And I tried to keep my distance as
Ode changed The Face again
Ode fakes direction so
I don't see where Ode could go
And in the panic I saw that
They had dropped a “note to self”
I picked it up and it read
"I can't learn anything new"

When you've had too much
And the weight of the expected
Has got you feeling introspective
Can I give you the perspective that you need?

Remember that language is power.

"I will, I will. I'll remember that"

Thank you, I'll say goodbye soon
Though its the end of the word
Don't blame yourself now
And if its true
I will surround you and give life to a word
That's our own

Order of the day to come
Thus the end, the ends
Darkest hour, obsidian
Cast of stone, the Night
With a slight of who not harmed
Hit or touched
What will be, the end
How come the rising sun
Matches still
In to gold, it holds
Comes the dawn, golden dawn
Darkness turn to day

I'll take you to the place where you
Come down and just react
To what you're about to see

Early time machine's
Will have tended to leave you
Left screaming
On a dinosaur's dish
In da Vinci's "Bike Accident'
An outerspace whodunit?
Monkeys play Magellan
As the next ex-Edison
Standing out in the crowd with a unicycle

Physics of a unicycle...
Twice the remarkable
Um, did a little little, um, did a lot
Someone's splitting atoms under flag barbed wire
Up in the sky where the war planes fly
Dead in the clouds, hear the God's cold lie
Um, did a little little, um, did a lot

You've had enough
Too much
And all you have collected
Is heavy with the taste
Of ambition misdirected
Bitter 'bout the pace that you keep

Well Good Ode almighty, all that other *******
Is here today and going tomorrow

'Tis better to have loved and lost,
than never to have loved at all!
Come cheer up, my lad

'el Da'
Qb'a'
Oh-kie
YIjah, Qey' 'oH
YIjah, Qey' 'oH

And When I have plucked the rose above
Whatever will be,
will be below

Mia says look
at everyone around you
See how much bigger you are?

Mia says come
let's compare
Do you see what I see?

Mia says listen
to those who love you
Can you hear their concern?

Mia says stop
put that back
Do you really need it?

Mia says no
you may not eat
Can't you see me working?

Mia says look
at the mess
you've made now

Mia says come
to the bathroom
Erase what you've done

Mia says listen
to me
It's really not that hard

Mia says stop
eating
you fat pig

Mia says no,
enough
You'll never be perfect now

At different points in my life, different events changed my life for both better and worse. This is a collection of letters to myself throughout different periods of my adolescence.


    Dear Mia, you are nine years old, and you just lost your grandfather, the only one who truly understood you and all of your quirks, that later on people will call ‘social’ and ‘generalized’ anxiety.
Not only that, but your family moved out of your childhood home just months after. I know things are really confusing and painful right now, and that you can’t hide in your mom’s closet anymore, because this house is different.
You search for new hiding places, trying and failing to find a new sense of security. You will not find this until you are thirteen, so please stop searching so hard.
Losing your grandfather feels like the end of the world, because this is your first loss. Honey, it will not be your last.
You’ll get used to it.


    Dear Mia, you are ten years old, and you have just met your Nana’s ex-husband. He asks you to call him grandpa. This makes you very uncomfortable, because you already had a grandpa, and he’s dead now. You do not have to do anything you do not want to do.
Do not call him grandpa, and do not try to get close with him. All he will do is use you to trick people into believing he is getting better, that he’s clean.
He isn’t, and he will never be. He has **** and ******* stashed in different parts of his house; stop going there.
You are too young to know what they smell like, but you do anyways.


     Dear Mia, you’re finally a teenager! But you assume this makes you a woman now. You are not, and I urge you to not do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.
Your favorite uncle just shot himself and your mom refuses to ever get out of bed. She never looks you in the eyes anymore. You feel like a part of you has died- whatever you do, do not try to fill that emptiness in your heart with a boy.
Especially not him.
It will not help. If anything, it will make you feel a thousand times worse, and you will never be able to shower enough times to get the feeling of his filthy hand prints off of your body.
I know you want to, but please do not use a blade to try and carve out where he touched.


    Dear Mia, you’re fifteen, and the next couple years will be the most painful. The only thing you will be able to think about is suicide. Your uncle’s and Connor’s, and the attempts of James, Katelyn, and Kait’s.
Maybe even your own?
I am begging you to not steal your dad’s scotch bottle. It tastes disgusting, and it won’t help anything; all it will do will create yet another bad habit.
You didn’t listen to me before, and you started cutting.
Please stop.
It will only make you more paranoid than usual, and the scars that mark your body will only make you even more self conscious (yes, that’s possible, unfortunately).


    Dear Mia, suicide is not the answer. Stop.


    Dear Mia, you finally got some professional help. Depression and anxiety crept into your mind and made themselves a home, but pills will help.
Do not refuse them, it will only make things bad again. Also, this girl has a crush on you. You’ve been friends for a while, and she kissed you last night.
Do not date her.
You are only lonely; you do not actually have romantic feelings for her. She has mental issues that will only mess up your recovery.
She is manipulative and possessive.
Do. Not. Date. Her.


    Dear Mia, you are seventeen. After dating that girl, you felt completely worthless. You are not worthless. It may not seem like it, but you have so many friends that care for you; you will realize this soon, because that girl is about to become nasty and violent, and these friends will help you stand your ground when standing your ground seems impossible. She will move in a few months and although she will try to contact you, you will not answer.
You will be able to breathe again; I promise.


    Dear Mia, it is 7:55 on a Friday morning. You are able to get out of bed again. You are able to do your makeup without crying in the mirror. I’m proud of you. It took you a very long time to be able to do this, I know, but it was worth it. Things still hurt, but friends are there to lessen the pain. Thank them.

one of my best friends
was named mia

we met when i was in fifth grade
although she didn't tell me her name then
she gave me a smile instead
and said not to worry about it

and so i didn't
and mia and i grew closer and closer
we became inseparable
i was not myself without her

i kept my friendship with mia a secret
because although i didn't want to admit it
i knew she was a bad influence from the start
i knew she was toxic

but even so
she made me feel better
i could always go to her when i was upset
and she would know just what to do

when people found out about mia
they tried to keep us apart
but it was too late
we'd already become one and the same

and so i pretended
i pretended that mia had left me
i convinced everyone around me
but it was all a lie

she wasn’t gone
i thought that she would never be gone
although i didn’t want mia in my life anymore
i knew that she was there to stay

it wasn’t up to me anymore
mia had taken control
i simply submitted to her
and did her bidding

but it wasn’t really that bad
she did help me out every now and then
she would pretend to give me control
and it made me feel powerful

in my mind
i knew that i was never truly in control
but it was comforting to imagine
to makebelieve for just a moment

time has passed
and i am finally alone
but the loneliness doesn’t hurt
because i know now

one of my worst friends
was named mia

I knew she planned on staying.
When she unpacked her belongings.
Mia told me she wasn't playing.
This time, she would cause the falling.

She woke me up the first night,
After he ran away.
Mia's chapped lips whispered our old times,
She reminded me of tooth decay.

For the next few days, Mia was my shadow.
Her doe-eyes trailed my every course.
Waiting patiently for me to plateau,
Before attacking without remorse.

Mia told me she was mending my cuts,
My battered heart, and my sliced legs.
She was making me whole with every hiccup.
He may have left, but she was here to stay.

We held hands throughout the store.
She helped me buy my favorite treats.
Binging together before locking the door.
Purging never tasted so sweet.

Mia held my hair and my pink tongue.
Her fingernails made my throat bleed.
Convinced me secrecy made this fun.
Our kneeling prayers were a mystery.

She wiped my tears with her acidic hands,
And whispered how much she missed me.
Mia uttered how only she would understand
My longing and misery.

Mia Mine.
You are as sweet as wine.
I'll search until I find
my Mia Valentine.
Once we were kids
and all we knew was bliss.
Again to share a kiss,
with Mia Mine I miss.
I promise this;
though perilous,
I'll always persist.
I'll give you happiness again.

I am yours.
I'll follow for
all eternity,
to bring you back to me.
I would die
one-hundred million times.
It's ever not for I,
but all for Mia Mine.

We're for all time entwined.
Mia Mine.
For my heart it aches inside,
without you in my life.
Mia Mine.
You're the light that makes
this shine.
Without you, I'm lost.
I'm blind.
Mia Mine.
You are as sweet as wine.
I'll search until I find
my Mia Valentine.

Forever and ever
and ever and ever,
no matter what keeps us apart.
Where ever, which ever
road I take, never
will you ever be
out of my heart.