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this is my disease
here i am age 6 stealing candy from a shop on Broadway
here i am age 7 pulling a girl’s ******* down around her knees while she’s swinging upside down from jungle gym bars
here i am age 8 Jackie K shows me how to ******* to this day i’ve never looked back
that’s me age 9 creeping into my sister’s bedroom into her sleeping girlfriend’s adjoining bed concerning my sister she’s a great gal but i’ve never been physically attracted to her
this is my disease
here i am age 10 with 4 grammar school buddies shoplifting at Marshal Fields department store we got caught sent home and severely punished
here’s me age 11 erasing and altering test scores in my 6th grade teacher’s grade’s book while class is out to recess
here i am age 12 repressing my true voice and lying to my parents about everything
this is my disease
this is me age 13 being shipped off to boarding school
that’s me age 14 getting kicked out of boarding school then shipped off to another boarding school
there’s me age 15 with Kent stealing girl’s purses from Pink Panther lounge in Rogers Park
here i am age 16 stealing Mom’s sleeping pills trading to score my first heroine fix sick as a dog vomiting by the side of the road
this is my disease
this is me age 17 running away from home to Haight Ashbury CA waking up with ants crawling in my hair strung out on methadrine and acid in Berkley crash house
and there i am age 18 running from tear gas and police Billy clubs in Lincoln Park and rioting in Grant Park at the 1968 Democratic Convention
that’s me age 21 getting tricked by my parents into 3 month lockup at Institute Of Living Hartford CT
this is my disease
there i am age 23 practicing Transcendental Meditation and yoga with Cathleen at Hartford Art School
there’s me age 24 kissing with Cathleen in photo booth at the Century Theater in Chicago
there’s me age 25 working for my Dad while Cathleen is away with her family in Indonesia
there i am age 27 holding a teacher’s certificate from SAIC Mom’s idea i never wanted to discipline kids
that’s me age 30 wearing necktie working at CME and selling coke on the side
that’s me age 32 drunk slurring words telling Elizabeth and her Mom at expensive seafood restaurant i wasn’t fit to marry anyone
this is my disease
here i am age 32 stealing money drugs to support my urges
that’s me age 34 with my first puppy Taters
there’s me age 37 awarded Illinois Arts Council Grant spitting peeing splashing blood on charcoal drawings reading Marquis de Sade dismissing many girls
here i am age 41 exhibiting my first one-man show at Deson Sainders Gallery Chicago Dad dies 6 paintings sold
that’s me age 44 leaving Chicago after too many dropped ***** opportunities chances at love success no destination other than hope prayer of becoming a better person
there i am age 48 burying Taters deep in dirt in Wilmington NC
this is me age 49 working at a record store in Tucson AZ running in the mornings feeling so alone crying
this is me age 50 ******* about **** *** peeing hairy females questioning to myself do any of those fixations actually matter in a real relationship
this is my disease
there i am age 55 living without drugs for more than 10 years swimming every day awarded yoga certification
this is me age 61 without  the affections of a woman for 15 or more years wondering if i’ll ever find love
here i am age 62 returning to Chicago worried about Mom’s illness hoping praying begging for just one more possibility to prove myself
this is my disease
this accounting does not include surviving throat cancer Hepatitis C severe compound fractured wrist and 2 suicide attempts
this is my disease
The old brown thorn-trees break in two high over Cummen Strand,
Under a bitter black wind that blows from the left hand;
Our courage breaks like an old tree in a black wind and dies,
But we have hidden in our hearts the flame out of the eyes
Of Cathleen, the daughter of Houlihan.

The wind has bundled up the clouds high over Knock-narea,
And thrown the thunder on the stones for all that Maeve can say.
Angers that are like noisy clouds have set our hearts abeat;
But we have all bent low and low and kissed the quiet feet
Of Cathleen, the daughter of Houlihan.

The yellow pool has overflowed high up on Clooth-na-Bare,
For the wet winds are blowing out of the clinging air;
Like heavy flooded waters our bodies and our blood;
But purer than a tall candle before the Holy Rood
Is Cathleen, the daughter of Houlihan.
ALL the heavy days are over;
Leave the body's coloured pride
Underneath the grass and clover,
With the feet laid side by side.
Bathed in flaming founts of duty
She'll not ask a haughty dress;
Carry all that mournful beauty
To the scented oaken press.
Did the kiss of Mother Mary
Put that music in her face?
Yet she goes with footstep wary,
Full of earth's old timid grace.
'**** the feet of angels seven
What a dancer glimmering!
All the heavens bow down to Heaven,
Flame to flame and wing to wing.
I SOUGHT a theme and sought for it in vain,
I sought it daily for six weeks or so.
Maybe at last, being but a broken man,
I must be satisfied with my heart, although
Winter and summer till old age began
My circus animals were all on show,
Those stilted boys, that burnished chariot,
Lion and woman and the Lord knows what.
II
What can I but enumerate old themes?
First that sea-rider Oisin led by the nose
Through three enchanted islands, allegorical dreams,
Vain gaiety, vain battle, vain repose,
Themes of the embittered heart, or so it seems,
That might adorn old songs or courtly shows;
But what cared I that set him on to ride,
I, starved for the ***** of his faery bride?

And then a counter-truth filled out its play,
The Countess Cathleen was the name I gave it;
She, pity-crazed, had given her soul away,
But masterful Heaven had intetvened to save it.
I thought my dear must her own soul destroy,
So did fanaticism and hate enslave it,
And this brought forth a dream and soon enough
This dream itself had all my thought and love.

And when the Fool and Blind Man stole the bread
Cuchulain fought the ungovernable sea;
Heart-mysteries there, and yet when all is said
It was the dream itself enchanted me:
Character isolated by a deed
To engross the present and dominate memory.
players and painted stage took all my love,
And not those things that they were emblems of.
III
Those masterful images because complete
Grew in pure mind, but out of what began?
A mound of refuse or the sweepings of a street,
Old kettles, old bottles, and a broken can,
Old iron, old bones, old rags, that raving ****
Who keeps the till.  Now that my ladder's gone,
I must lie down where all the ladders start
In the foul rag-and-bone shop of the heart.
I

I sought a theme and sought for it in vain,
I sought it daily for six weeks or so.
Maybe at last, being but a broken man,
I must be satisfied with my heart, although
Winter and summer till old age began
My circus animals were all on show,
Those stilted boys, that burnished chariot,
Lion and woman and the Lord knows what.

                II

What can I but enumerate old themes?
First that sea-rider Oisin led by the nose
Through three enchanted islands, allegorical dreams,
Vain gaiety, vain battle, vain repose,
Themes of the embittered heart, or so it seems,
That might adorn old songs or courtly shows;
But what cared I that set him on to ride,
I, starved for the ***** of his faery bride?

And then a counter-truth filled out its play,
'The Countess Cathleen' was the name I gave it;
She, pity-crazed, had given her soul away,
But masterful Heaven had intetvened to save it.
I thought my dear must her own soul destroy,
So did fanaticism and hate enslave it,
And this brought forth a dream and soon enough
This dream itself had all my thought and love.

And when the Fool and Blind Man stole the bread
Cuchulain fought the ungovernable sea;
Heart-mysteries there, and yet when all is said
It was the dream itself enchanted me:
Character isolated by a deed
To engross the present and dominate memory.
players and painted stage took all my love,
And not those things that they were emblems of.

                III

Those masterful images because complete
Grew in pure mind, but out of what began?
A mound of refuse or the sweepings of a street,
Old kettles, old bottles, and a broken can,
Old iron, old bones, old rags, that raving ****
Who keeps the till.  Now that my ladder's gone,
I must lie down where all the ladders start
In the foul rag-and-bone shop of the heart.
Laokos  Mar 2021
names ago
Laokos Mar 2021
heather is a feminine body
in a suede chair under charcoal ceilings

perry is wearing
sweaters to evening dinners

katie is a black light poster
in newspaper print

alex is an origami sailboat

spoon feed yourself some more cathleen,
the cats are waiting
Cat Fiske  Apr 2016
Baby Bobby
Cat Fiske Apr 2016
Baby Bobby is free,
No more whips, from amish men,

Baby Bobby is free,
You kicked and screamed on the glue truck sweetie,

Baby Bobby is free,
A nice lady Cathleen rescued you for me,

Baby Bobby is free,
She Cleaned you up and healed your wounds,

Baby Bobby is free,
Bobby baby, why are you scared of me,

Baby Bobby is free,
Bobby baby, I'd never hurt you, I just want to love you,

Baby Bobby is free,
Bobby why do you kick and scream?

Baby Bobby is free,
Bobby I love you, what's wrong baby.

Baby Bobby is never going to be Free,
Bobby is trapped inside his fears, much like me.
My horse Bobby has PTSD no wonder I love him so much.
Bryan E StJohn Aug 2017
The Bleachers of my Life OR
All My Cheerleaders are Fat and Ugly!
This goes out to those who sit on the bleachers of MY Life
With a mask on making funny jokes about me My family my wife.
Hiding behind anonymity every post I make YOU LOG
When material runs low you take to insulting my DOG!
What a life you must lead to cast your opinions so Smugly
Yet Im so sad because my Cheerleaders are all Fat and UGLY
I guess your days of joy and Happiness are long far Gone
so to appease your lonely life you created Lyin Saint Yawn.
You stay up late and hope and pray
That I leave a post then YOU are on your WAY
To ****** up my crumbs and like a rat and run to evaluate it all
I wonder if you would repost it If i posted a pic of my *****?
Like the wicked stepmother lips shaped in to a frown...
I bet if i ****** on this page you would gladly drink it down.
So you sit on the bleachers of my life because you have no life of your own
Lonely hateful and dumb your discontent is clearly shown..
Your low self esteem isn't just a dream it shows when you hide your face
Nothing to do no one for you SO you spit your discord all over the place
What a lonely fat slob of a cat lady Alli oops Must really BE
And her center of attention is Lil OL ME!
She sits around her puter getting fatter and fatter
Loser Social justice warrior Screaming some ******* about Black Lives Matter
Just a tad upset about Ferguson and the **** that got shot down
Lets face it lady I am Darren Wilson and You are Micheal Brown
Left to lay in the street for every wanna be **** to see
Hands up dont shoot lady are you kidding me PLEASE!
He was a bully like you and he took one in the eye
And not a one of us round here give a **** that he died.
Feminism is ******* and so is Black Lives Matter
And no one really gives a **** about your useless Chatter.
Alli Smith drinks a fifth right before she logs on
Drunk and weary she cant think clearly but she remains on line till dawn
And Kricket Robinson do i have to listen to you sob again why dont you just shut the **** up Bissh you should have peed in that Cup
Cathleen Dean just why are you so mean I mean most of your post really ******!
Maybe you would cure that itch to be a salty ***** if only you would go out and get ******. you make me sick go *******.
Kristy Probst I give you props You are Keen unlike Cathleen but your hairdo looks like a MOP You might think you are slick but im hip to your tricks so will you please jump offa my ****.
The bleachers of my life are filled with ****** and ***** who sit on the sidelines and read on this rhyme with their fingers in their butts.you know you gotta read it then try to impeded it but you just cannot resist like a vaginal itch you you are ON IT.
Im your muse cuz whatever I do y'all copy that **** and run with IT have you no lives arent you wives? do you have kids to tend to what kind of pain have you been through.Does your husband beat you Your boss mistreat you what has gone wrong in your lives?
I bet you are even Bitter when you sit on the ******* oozing some **** out your ***. With a grunt then a **** you think youre real smart and when the brown plops down... I can tell .... that you love to sit and savor in your own smell.
Old lonely *** bisshes just what can we do? lets make up a page and write up things about YOU! I bet you add a lot of sugar to your juicy boogers before you chomp them down.To have a clean smell is your only wish while you are walking around smelling like fish.
The Bleachers of my life OR the peanut gallery, your polluted Haze ***** with my allergies.
Allli smith its OK It alright keep spewing your ***** But deep down inside I must confide you'll always be a *** *** BISHH
My Cheerleaders are all Fat and Ugly!

— The End —