Don't allow yourself to close your eyes;
To sleep or rest, to look away.
You see, you know,
They all lied to you.

Existence;
Immersed in it's ambiguities.
Meaningless suffering,
Life is unjust.

Left behind.
Drowning in real
Refusing to ignore,
It's killing you.

It is all truly there,
It is all that there is.
Onerous to accept it.
You're creating a war with a reality
Who only seeks to destroy.

Nearly lost elation,  
Thoughts transmitted in times of joy,
Hope at times afforded.
Faint memories of it will linger,
Just try to hold on.

-

You think so highly of such a lowlife as yourself,
Or are you it?
Are you it?

How far will you bend before you break?
How much more of this will you take?
When it's all over, I wonder,
What kind of sound might you make?

How far will you let me go?
And at what point will you say no?
Can you tell me that it will it always be because I said so?

Do I even need this, how could I know?
I'm not sure what it is,
but I want it.
I want it all to myself.
I really want it,
Until I don’t.

You'll try to keep me but you won’t.
I am too me for you.
Maybe one day you’ll realize, while sifting through romanticized memories, that just like me, you’ve always been alone.

Do you still think about me?
Do you still watch my movements?
Are you still obsessed with an illusion?
-
You would hurt me, but not if I hurt you first.
-
I thought you saw me,
It seems I'm still a ghost
-

What kind of love do you think you could take, when you want someone to be crazy for you, but not be insane?

Seeing it again
That innocent view
Undisturbed eyes
Bright, clear and new
Open

Feeling it again
Pastures of grass and light
Butterflies as fairies
Magic is true sight
It feels so good

To be open
To feel alive
Excited to be alive

I am human
Imperfect naive little human
But it's so hard to Be
I have to give us some sympathy
This is a frightening journey
But I am doing it

Prouder
Stronger
Open
Here

This experience is art
My Life is a symphony
The human experience an exhibition
It's all so tragic and beautiful
I love it

Thankful
Prouder
Stronger
Open
Here

I can't pick up the phone today
I am too unstable
Afraid of the other line, the other side
How are you
Who are they to me?
I have nothing to say to anyone
Nothing anyone will hear
I can't answer the phone today
I live in fear

What is it to be okay
What does it look like
To be well
Safe secure and stable
I dream about it
But the dream is only awake when
I am asleep

And I sleep, and sleep, and sleep

I can't imagine anything else
It feels pointless to try
I was given this
Whatever it is
Everything it is
Painful, scary, heartbreaking
Sometimes beautiful
Beautiful enough to keep me here

Continue,
Continue

There might be more
Something good
Holding out for magic
Things I felt when I was young
Before reality was cement
It feels like lifetimes ago
Ancient pain
Ancient fear and guilt and shame
I can't distinguish now from then
I am wrapped up in it
Trapped by it and caged by it
Changed by it
Chained to it
Is living truly to suffer
I see that now

Continue,
Continue

Here I am again.
Waking, moving, thinking, and speaking,
Loving, seeking, hoping, and dreaming.

How did I get here?
I thought one escapes in evening
Yet, tonight I am still here,
But as always I am sleeping.

Turn off the light
Pause the music of time,
And worlds unfold beneath my eyes.

I feel them as if they were pressing upon my skin.
I taste them as if they coated my tongue.
I see them as if they are inches ahead of me.
I know them as real and not,
But real, and not?

Then morning.

Here I am again.
Waking, moving, thinking, and speaking,
Loving, seeking, hoping and breathing.

I was there.
But where?
Not really here, nor there.
But somewhere.

Where I am now?
Here.
Again.
And again.

Time blesses and curses
Creates and destroys
Carries, slows down
Scares
Tortures and rushes and drags
Scars

Always looking forward,
The future and it’s alluring suggestions.
Walk the linear belt of time
Towards that light at the end of this tunnel,
A place to rest.

It's moving farther away
Dimmer now
I can't remember why I move
Turn backwards, lost
Time snickers
Apathetic

Given up.

In boredom I look down.
For the first time I simply observe where I am,
the ground is shining.
Light rays pierce the soil,
casting arrangements on the tunnel's ceiling like stars.
There must be something below.
Dig until my fingers are raw
Nothing,
soil rises up, takes the place of progress.
Resigning.

A light show above me.
The mesmerizing patterns create movies in my mind.
World beneath me begins to move,
The soil is swallowing me.
I don't resist and I don't want to, I feel...good.  

When I come to my eyes adjust to the most luminous imagery I have ever seen.
Glimmering suns, flowers of colors unimaginable, grasses of greens and dew reflecting rainbows. Birds of paradise cascade overhead, my ears can taste their music like honey.
Time can’t find me here because it doesn’t exist.
This is the present. This is the moment. I laugh, and I laugh and I laugh. I’m happy and I was always here. I was always here.