Chest tube leaking blood from the side of my breast
Alone and uncertain
in a pale blue hospital dress
He told me he loves me
With a closed fist that felt like a loaded gun
cracking two ribs that must have argued with my lung
sign this waver
We’re running out of time
I wonder if he wouldof brought flowers to my grave.  
If I didn’t write my name on that line

I want to keep my eyes clear so I can see the moon
I want to keep my eyes clear so my funeral won’t be an empty room
I want white around my pupils, meat between my bones and skin
And less green and purple patches from the bleeding within
I want clarity in my voice when my parents call
I want to be telling the truth behind the excuse that I didn’t mean to fall
I want the numbness to feel warmth, and my ears to stop ringing
I want to be sleeping every morning when the birds start singing
I want gentle love and passion from the man who has been my best friend
I want kept promises of our future, not threats of a near end
I want to stop talking in circles, never finishing a conversation
I want a life that has journeys but also has a destination
I need to keep my eyes clear, no high is worth chasing
I need to keep going even when all I can think about is escaping
These drugs will never love me back, they’d never chase me like I do them
Yet here I am begging for love to a man who makes me feel less than  
I’m tired of running after things that don’t even notice if I’m there
This life is so painful unforgiving and unfair

It’s not your fault
You were raised broken
I don’t care about your town but I care about the words spoken
To you, or your siblings
When all they wanted was love
But they were stuck in a dark place where everything was unsure of
How do you agree to bring someone into this world
How does a mother try to trap a man knowing there relationship toxic
But
This YOUR BABY GIRL
how does a man agree to a baby when he knows he can barely take care of himself
Im so mad at this world, I wish I could be anywhere else.
I met women who have babies and made that her source of income
But that baby didn’t ask for a mother who had no plans to be one
Let me be clear when I say I don’t involve myself in politics
Because there’s flaws in every family, every future, every decision that makes me hurt for ALL people going through this.
There’s a stigma for the lower level of the Totum pole.
There’s a standard, an expectation, or a call of role
I think the world we live in today is a terrible place
I’m a single white female I dont see color and don’t judge circumstance based on your race
But we’re all in the wrong. Ain’t nothing easy anymore
I failed out of college and spend my days mopping floors.
I don’t blame the system for that because it’s on me.
But I blame the system for safety when things got scary, when ex boyfriends goes far enough to hurt my family.
I know there’s no rhyme or reason, there is absolutely no sense in believing in the law
But it took me fearing my life and realizing there isn’t ever anyone to call.
I was always different because I understood the people who lived in struggle and pain
My trauma is different, but the words I heard always felt the same
I still won’t understand how people could bring a child  in this world
When they don’t have a long term plan for this little boy
Or little girl.
I wish I could understand why all of us are expected to feel pain
And I wish I could save every person whose words hurt worse or hurt the same.
This life is so unfair no matter the lengths you’ve felt it
But we all suffer in our own ways. I just hope you find the strength to never quit

Every day is different and unknown
You wanted to leave the house but your mind wanted you home
Shifts of emotions come with out warning
How could so much happen from now since this morning
It only takes a second to lose control
But a life time to recover the time that it stole
You’ve been given a million reasons to feel all this rage
It’s in every chapter of your life on every single page
I know you feel hopeless like your trauma has damaged you beyond repair
How couldn’t you, when your constantly let down by the ones who said they’d be there
One day you told me that I had no ******* idea what was going on in your head
I stopped trying to compare and started learning how to be there instead
Your unique when it comes to your pain
You get so pattionate about something, it shouldn’t but makes you feel insane
I have seen every version of yourself and some tried scaring me away
Your dark days are hard enough but sometimes I don’t know what to say
I wish I could save you but it’s something only you can do
None of this is your fault but why are you letting it win when you hate to lose?
It’s a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply
Please don’t make permanent plans on a feeling you have briefly
I don’t take it lightly when my best friend tell me she wants to throw everything away
And my words are not enough to make you want to stay
Our friendship is so real from even when we were broken
Why would you spend so much time putting out fires in your life just to let the smoke in
I know how bad you want to quit
You have so much to live for, please open your eyes wider so you can see it

I’m sorry I can’t bring you into this world
Wether you were a boy or a girl I’m not ready
My spirit is low and heart heavy
I don’t love myself and it’s unfair
It’s selfish to bring you into a world of despair
I’m a drug addict trying to find peace
In a miserable place where no where feels like home
I’m trying so hard but I still feel like I’m on my own
I wish I could be happy and give you a life worth living
But I’m stuck in a broken tea cup that won’t stop spinning
I wish I could get off and give you my love.
But I’m too young to bring you into a world I’m so unsure of

I’m stumped on this one
I know it can’t be me because i always seems to be the one
Who guys’ve got stuck on, loose self control & become obsessed with a perfect pair of **** to bust on
Things were much easier when weeks at a time melted together
Feelings didn’t get brought up and smiles depended on weather
Everyday was new, the places the crew, or the color of the pill
Nothing mattered..
we coasted and vanished everyday, until
Someone caught feelings
And ****** up the vibe
Made no mans land complicated and brought warmth into a cold place to hide
It was always fun at first, till front row seats on the real you tour
When fun becomes numb and avoiding lows is what she lives for
Sticking around lost it’s appeal to a guy with bright eyes
Who’d wanna deal with a lost girl in never land thriving on uppers and lies
**** was always easier when everyone gave up on you
Darkness felt closer every time the devil flashed red flames in front of you
I get frustrated that I’m always the one to bring anything close to an end
Everything was easier when it was me burying me.
Not me burying them