How do I explain the hurt?
The feeling of nothing and everything
Emptiness that sits in my chest
That somehow has a weight
And I can not get up
Or do anything about it
How is it possible for pain
To mix with numb
And become something so unbearable
I can not breathe
Air entering my lungs hurts
While I try to gasp to keep
This body alive that is so damaged
To match the mind
That seems to cling to hurt like a life source
The pain it cannot live without
It seems that good is foreign
In this head
Of sadness and suffering that sits alone
With its self

if I told you
the "F" marked on my
birth certificate wasn't me
would you tell me how wrong
I am?
how I'm too young
to know or think something
like that?
if I told you I'd rather
flatten my chest
deepen my voice
shorten my hair
be called something
you think I'm not
how would that turn out?
I hope one day
I can tell you how I feel
without the fear or proof that
to you
I wouldn't be a child
playing dress up

remember the laughs
how nothing would trigger a giggle
stomach fluttering
smiling eyes
a smack on the shoulder
small touches
talking about nothing meant something
and you said I mattered

I see it as a person
no thought or illness but this tag along that refuses to leave
on days where I am sad I listen as friends try their best to make it easier
on days like this the voice screams
I don't hear the reassurance and praise but only the screams
the bad
I find myself feeling guilty for this voice in my head
unable to hear anything but how terrible I am
I find myself feeling guilty for the people around me
this person in my head spreads a darkness
and I do not blame people for running for safety

to lie
and say I am not jealous
I can't
I watch you smile
and laugh
and feel the bliss of happy
I am jealous
resentful
bitter
I want to lie and say I am glad you're happy
but your happiness was at the cost of leaving me
so is it selfish
to wish you still wanted me around

it's crushing
isn't it?
that loneliness in your chest
and it hurts
and hurts
until it gets to a point
where you think holding a knife
to your chest would hurt
less but that is not how it works
no
youre not allowed to
forbidden
oh no you can't
but what if I did
would you see?
would you notice the one less message
doodles to ash
arm clear of flowers
i don't need help
I'm here if you need anything
thanks but no thanks
okay
I'll leave one day
unaffected you'll sit but
at last I'll be at peace