One day my best friend sent me her poems,
And one poem hit far too close to home,
Heartbreak Girl.
In it she talked about a commercial,
A commercial where a man quits smoking,
And being separated from the addiction
Turns him into a mess.
She writes:
"It was on
Heartbreak Girl,
The days when I couldn't eat for missing her.
When every moment was made of fear
That I would see something that would tear me open and make me miss her
Make me re-realize that she was over
(And so was I.)
(The me I loved, whose ghost I still look at in the mirror behind me.)
(The me I never got to say goodbye to before she died.) "

These words, became a cautionary tale...

I know, in a matter of weeks, I will be the Heartbreak Girl.

I will be a mess.
I will not be easy to put back together.
My wounds will all be opened, stinging as I feel the wind blow against them.
And it's gonna hurt like hell.

But there will be a difference between me and the Heartbreak Girl:
I know it's coming.
I watch as the sand falls through the hour glass,
And with every grain of sand, my heart breaks a little bit more.
I try to keep it together.
I try not to look at the hourglass,
But there it sits, in plain sight.
Unavoidable.
It's coming, any day now.
And it will break.

But since I know it's coming,
I use the Heartbreak Girl's story to remind me
That at least I have a chance to say goodbye
To him
But more importantly to me
The me I was when I told him my dreams were coming true...
When I told him I was leaving...
And he picked me up, spun me around, and kissed me...
Because he was struck by a moment of genuine euphoria…
For me.
In that moment, I had everything I had ever wanted.
I was the me I always wanted to be.
I have a chance to say goodbye to her.
And I want to do it right.
That girl is everything I ever wanted to be.
And I'm terrified to leave her behind.
Because I really love her.
But I know it's only a matter of time until I have to.
And I'll be ****** if I don't give her a proper goodbye.
I worked too hard and too long not to give her the goodbye she deserves.

When it's time to say goodbye, I will go to that spot.
I will stand there,
And I will let her go,
She can't stay forever,
Because if she could, she wouldn't be such an enigma,
I would eventually take her for granted,
And I never want to do that.
Because she's perfect.
At least to me.

Once I let her go,
I will make way for the new girl,
Who I'm excited to meet,
And who I'm excited to become,
Even though, a part of her will be broken,
Eventually the wounds will somewhat heal.
Somewhat.
She will be amazing,
And most of what I've always wanted her to be,
Except for the missing piece of her heart...
Because when I say goodbye to the girl I am now,
I will also leave a piece of my heart in that spot.
And it will forever stay in that spot.
In a place that I know he will be.
In the place that he needs to be.
To become the man HE always wants to be,
And to the man I genuinely want him to become.
Even if it is without me: The Heartbreak Girl.
Who I will have to become in order for him to be who he wants to be.
It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.
For him.

After the funeral, eventually I will have a reason to smile.
Because I have sacrificed so much.
So that we can become the people we always wanted.
Even if we don't have each other.
Even if I am
**The Heartbreak Girl.