this is me
thinking back
to the 'me' i was before,
and pretending
that i am that same 'me'.

i'm going to pretend
that i still believe
that you, my love,
my very first love,
would also be my last.

i'm going to pretend
these ******* tears that
don't have the nerve to stop
are the soft kisses
you planted on my cheeks
every peaceful morning.

i'm going to pretend
this extra chub on my hips
are your hands wrapped around my waist,
protecting me
from the harsh words
of the outside world.

i'm going to pretend
our 'forever' ring
isn't abandoned somewhere in nevada,
thrown out the car window
in a terrifying moment of rage,
like lightning
that you're sorry to see go.

i'm going to pretend
you scoot closer to me
not to ask me what the homework was
for history class,
but to play with my hair,
twisting it around your fingers
and telling me you love the color of it
when you're the only one
who did.

i'm going to pretend
you still glare at any boy
who tries to hit on me,
stepping up so your body is in front of mine
like a lion,
fierce and daring and gorgeous,
instead of remembering
the night you told me to move on,
because you already had.

i'm going to pretend
that you're not the most
excruciatingly beautiful thing
i've ever seen,
full of angles and cheekbones and gold,
like a paragraph over a paragraph
of confessions.

i'm going to pretend
that when you say
'i love you',
it's not just in my memory.