Apr 2018
I can only recollect the moments....before, during, and after,
before.....
we were laughing so hard I felt like I couldn't breathe,
and my stomach, it hurt so bad the pain was almost unbearable,
I was crying too, we were both crying,
to the point where she begged me to stop because it was hard for her to see....
and moments before,
we saw the lights of a cop car, and
at first I was going to say go straight to avoid it, but
I didn't, so we turned left and were
hoping that we would not catch their attention,
but we did....
because in that moment,
we both saw two lights,
ones that were red and blue,
and the others attached to the front of a street sweeper,
and I remember screaming stop, because
these things only happen in movies and on t.v. shows, and
I don't know why but seconds before we would collide,
I actually believed that we could avoid it,
but our fate had already been determined...
during...
I don't remember screaming,
I remember the sound, the adrenaline, and the feeling of us colliding,
the second I knew we were going to hit it, I closed my eyes,
and when I opened them again I was in a dream, my
chest felt heavy and all I could see was the shattered window shield,
the airbags, and
I could feel a heavy pain on my chest,
she turned and said "oh my god I'm so sorry",
all I could manage to get out was that I needed to get out, we
were on the curb,
and had encountered what we were trying to avoid because,
we definitely caught the cops attention, and
after....
for some reason in my mind I felt as though I had to act like nothing was wrong, I
suppose I was in shock, but
I remember saying I was okay, but questioning whether I really was or not, the paramedics
checked my vitals and said I was good, but
it did not feel that way, and
I could not bring myself to look at her because she was displaying all of the emotions that I couldn't, all of the emotions that
made it real, and I tried
to say I love you and it was okay, but
I could barely make out the words, my dad took me
to the emergency room and, everything felt even less real, we
arrived and I remember listening closely to their conversation, "my
daughter has just been in a car accident", I
gave her my social security number and she got the rest of the information from my father, and
I remember listening closely, making sure he got it all correct, he
got my date of birth off, by a day,
she put my wristband on and a file in a slot, we sat down and waited, only for a second because in a second, a man
in all blue,
picked up the file and welcomed us in, I
remember getting my weight taken, should I
put my phone down will that affect it? I didn't,
I held it and then followed him into the next room, I
laid down on the bed and he, took my vitals again, I
remembered I took a picture of the ones they took in the ambulance, and they said I should show it to them, but I
couldn't talk unless I had to, I
couldn't move unless I had to, I remember
hearing laughter in the next room and thinking of how this, this
can not all be real, there's people
happy and smiling yet I can't get to where they are, I
can't even begin to think of how they got to a place where everything is okay, at least in that moment, but
the doctor came and then someone to take an X-ray, one
by one they came in and out, each telling
me something new, I
remember looking at the clock and noticing how fast the hand moved, they
asked what time it happened, but
I remember Emily texted me when we got off the highway, 10:25,
it takes about ten minutes to get to my house,
how bad was it, I
showed him the picture, "you're lucky
you were wearing your seatbelt, tell
your friends to wear theirs," as
if I am now a walking advertisement, and
they scanned my wristband, as if
I am like a box of cereal, like
the ones I ring up at my job, I
did not feel human, and
we left, I went home and wanted to sleep but,
everything kept replaying in my head, everything
keeps replaying in my head, the before
the way we were laughing, the thought of almost dying nowhere on our minds, the during,
my scream of warning, the cop coming over, the paramedics, the headlights...
the headlights, I swear I can still see them coming towards me in the dark, and after,
the hospital, the smell, my
nurse smelled like someone I once adored, how strange,
and I keep replaying everything in my head, I
can't believe that neither of us is dead.
before.....
we were laughing so hard I felt like I couldn't breathe,
and my stomach, it hurt so bad the pain was almost unbearable,
I was crying too, we were both crying,
to the point where she begged me to stop because it was hard for her to see....
and moments before,
we saw the lights of a cop car, and
at first I was going to say go straight to avoid it, but
I didn't, so we turned left and were
hoping that we would not catch their attention,
but we did....
because in that moment,
we both saw two lights,
ones that were red and blue,
and the others attached to the front of a street sweeper,
and I remember screaming stop, because
these things only happen in movies and on t.v. shows, and
I don't know why but seconds before we would collide,
I actually believed that we could avoid it,
but our fate had already been determined...
during...
I don't remember screaming,
I remember the sound, the adrenaline, and the feeling of us colliding,
the second I knew we were going to hit it, I closed my eyes,
and when I opened them again I was in a dream, my
chest felt heavy and all I could see was the shattered window shield,
the airbags, and
I could feel a heavy pain on my chest,
she turned and said "oh my god I'm so sorry",
all I could manage to get out was that I needed to get out, we
were on the curb,
and had encountered what we were trying to avoid because,
we definitely caught the cops attention, and
after....
for some reason in my mind I felt as though I had to act like nothing was wrong, I
suppose I was in shock, but
I remember saying I was okay, but questioning whether I really was or not, the paramedics
checked my vitals and said I was good, but
it did not feel that way, and
I could not bring myself to look at her because she was displaying all of the emotions that I couldn't, all of the emotions that
made it real, and I tried
to say I love you and it was okay, but
I could barely make out the words, my dad took me
to the emergency room and, everything felt even less real, we
arrived and I remember listening closely to their conversation, "my
daughter has just been in a car accident", I
gave her my social security number and she got the rest of the information from my father, and
I remember listening closely, making sure he got it all correct, he
got my date of birth off, by a day,
she put my wristband on and a file in a slot, we sat down and waited, only for a second because in a second, a man
in all blue,
picked up the file and welcomed us in, I
remember getting my weight taken, should I
put my phone down will that affect it? I didn't,
I held it and then followed him into the next room, I
laid down on the bed and he, took my vitals again, I
remembered I took a picture of the ones they took in the ambulance, and they said I should show it to them, but I
couldn't talk unless I had to, I
couldn't move unless I had to, I remember
hearing laughter in the next room and thinking of how this, this
can not all be real, there's people
happy and smiling yet I can't get to where they are, I
can't even begin to think of how they got to a place where everything is okay, at least in that moment, but
the doctor came and then someone to take an X-ray, one
by one they came in and out, each telling
me something new, I
remember looking at the clock and noticing how fast the hand moved, they
asked what time it happened, but
I remember Emily texted me when we got off the highway, 10:25,
it takes about ten minutes to get to my house,
how bad was it, I
showed him the picture, "you're lucky
you were wearing your seatbelt, tell
your friends to wear theirs," as
if I am now a walking advertisement, and
they scanned my wristband, as if
I am like a box of cereal, like
the ones I ring up at my job, I
did not feel human, and
we left, I went home and wanted to sleep but,
everything kept replaying in my head, everything
keeps replaying in my head, the before
the way we were laughing, the thought of almost dying nowhere on our minds, the during,
my scream of warning, the cop coming over, the paramedics, the headlights...
the headlights, I swear I can still see them coming towards me in the dark, and after,
the hospital, the smell, my
nurse smelled like someone I once adored, how strange,
and I keep replaying everything in my head, I
can't believe that neither of us is dead.
Lindsey I love you.
