getting bad again is not noticing the eleven pounds you've dropped in the past month simply because it makes you sick to eat and the empty feeling in your stomach masks the one in your chest

getting bad again is falling in love with the chaos as much as you fell for the boy because having a life in shambles is what you know you deserve and knowing you never deserved that joy in the first place

getting bad again is grinning at the hateful comments you hear because its validation for everything you think and it only fuels the fire of self loathing in your soul

getting bad again is the deep set bags under your eyes that still aren't big enough to carry all the emotional trauma, the guilt that never seems to leave, and the regrets for all the mistakes you've ever made

getting bad again is the late nights
the unsent messages
the tears and puffy eyes
the empty stomachs and empty minds
the aching chest
the drugs and distractions

but most importantly
getting bad again
is just a part of life
and getting better again
is just the next step

s.s