They said what doesn’t **** us makes us stronger. I guess I was strong enough to overcome the idea of ending my life haunting me like a predator clawing its way through the rubble of my conscious belief that life indeed is a gift so precious, I don’t think I deserve having.
They said a half truth is a whole lie. The truth is I am half afraid of dying and half afraid of living for I haven’t figured out which is worse: living or leaving the ones I care about. So I resorted to drinking as a sort of escape from this catastrophe.
They said suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I say alcohol is a temporary solution to a permanent problem. Intoxication is the best antidote to pain, lost in space grasping, babbling words. It disconnects us from ourselves momentarily.
They said numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you actually feel it. but what is more rewarding than the fleeting sensation of happiness, of guiltlessness, of chastity from caring and crying, loving and trying? Waking up with a blinding headache.
Also published in https://cotabatoliteraryjournal.com Issue 15 (November 2017).