and all these years they told you that heartbreak would be not being able to do anything; crying most of the days; not being ok for a long time; being able to hear the sound of your heart breaking; 'the heart break syndrome', they would say. 'time heals', everyone promised. 'this too shall pass', everyone whispered. 'it will strengthen you', they encouraged.
what they did not tell you was that heartbreak would make you do the unthinkable. crying on your bathroom floor during shower. muffling your crying on your pillow. trying to explore yourself. meditate, read books, watch movies, writing. waking up with puffy eyes. and have to go on like nothing happened. lock yourself in your own room at night when you get home. laying awake staring at the ceiling. counting on what you did wrong. replaying every scenes. endless pool of tears - those kind that make you really tired; not the sleepy kind of tired, but the 'God-please-end-this' kind of tired. praying to God to please just end this for you cannot take more pain. asking God on what you had done wrong in life to deserve this kind of pain. do i even still believe in God?
they did not tell you that heartbreak change your perspective in life. that it would feel like you are suffocating; unable to breath. where is the air? even when you sleep, you wake up and dreaming about him again. the desperation to end it; that you would google 'how to deal with heartbreak' or the desperation to ask people for help. but you know it's useless and you don't want to be a burden. or when you hear others telling you about their relationship and you can not even give them any advices anymore. 'i used to be so good at giving advices', you think to yourself. but now not anymore.
they did not tell you that heartbreak would make you numb when you are surrounded by people. the way you get yourself throughout the day and do the daily routines laughing, do random things, being weird; 'you are still the same old you even after all these things', they would say. 'no i'm not', you tell yourself. even when your heart is broken or the way you would act like you had never got your heart broken or the way others would tell you their problems and you have to act like you are okay and you have none
they did not tell you that heartbreak would make you feel this useless like how you suddenly think of 'i am so broken' and yet you could not even think of telling anyone because of how pointless it would be 'what's the use? they don't get it like i do', you would think.
they did not tell you that heartbreak would take this long to heal 'time heals', i used to say 'this too shall pass', i used to tell my friend. but now i am not so sure anymore. time heals, they say. *well, i'm still waiting for the time mine would heal