my mind hasn't been this dark since fourth grade when i was in a "depressed place" I would cry and cry and say I was just sad. no reason behind it. Maybe it was just hormones or part of growing up  but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't stop. Flash forward to now. I can't stop crying, a new reason everyday. it feels like a million little rain clouds took over my mind and blocked out my joy. I crave things that are destructive. that boy my parents hate who has an ego problem but the fact someone likes me makes me feel great. I crave that sharp knife going in to my big, awkward thigh. and the idea of death has become so familiar to me I welcome it like a friend. I want so badly to stop this but when people forget you ******* exist you let it in a little more than before. You picture crying and bleeding and screaming. it excites you like ridding a roller coaster. maybe this could stop but I'm so ******* alone. I forgot the boy who liked to talk about Jesus and I follow the one who puts me down. I forgot about my friends who snuggled and laughed but chose the ones who hate everything. I push things away that let me remember joy but keep the stuff that makes the rain clouds.