You just can't tuck your shirt in well enough
With your pants buckled
So make sure you do it right
Before you leave your house
Because that's an awkward dinner thing
And I'm going to level with you
A tucked in shirt all bunched up around the waist
Is worse than ***** lines under spandex shorts
So make sure you've got a mirror on your door
I can't have you looking
Like no one ever warned you
Like you haven't had a father to teach you
Because you have a father
And I know the replacement
She's got in her bed every night
Is a nice guy
But he didn't ask to be a father
He's not ready
And it's not that I wanted to be a father
But he didn't even get to have
The *** that made you
And believe you me
It was a good night
And since your not even two yet
I should probably start
With some advice that's a little more
Relevant
But I'm serious about the shirt thing
I mean if you can't do it right
Leave it untucked
Anyways
First advice
Smile
Nobody likes a negative Nancy
Besides you'll need the practice
Because if I'm going to pay for braces
I expect a return on investment
Paid in smile hours so be funny
Smile because if eyes are windows to the soul
Smiles are open doors
So smile wide
A lot of people are going to want in
Let them in
Advice two
Take a long time to have *** first
Then **** your brains out
It's only making love
The first two times
Your anniversary
Make-up ***
The first hour of your honeymoon
The last hour of your marriage
And the last time
So don't stress out about
Any other circumstance
Unless she's a friend you've had
Since you were in 3rd grade
You've always loved her
Your 21
Freshly single
And finally alone
In which case
I hope they have better pills
Because without them
You'll never live up to the expectations
You've inflated in every dream you've ever had
Asleep or otherwise
But don't worry
It'll still be the best night
Of both of your lives
Other than that
Don't stress the in between ***
But do pay attention
To the first thing you say after
High five does not equal win
I love you does
But only say it if you mean it
Otherwise tell her she was amazing
Advice three
Heaven might end up being
An awesome place
But don't miss out
On opportunities here on Earth
To make sure you get there
Because no matter how awesome
Cobble stone streets are to your disembodied self
It will never equal the
Real life feeling of a quivering bottom lip
Of a real love kiss
I promise
I promise
I promise
Advice four
If your girlfriend
Ever offers you a sweet treat
Take it
Don't worry about the calories
Even if you're an athlete
The run in the morning
To burn it off your hips
Is worth the smile on her lips
The joy in her eyes
And the children playing
Hopscotch in her heart
She needs to feel loved
Needs to feel needed
Show her she's appreciated
Take her hand in a dark movie theater
Stare at her in a crowded room
Whether she's the love of your life
Or the flavor of the week
Tell her she means something to you
And kiss her cheek
Every time you leave
But most important
Before you walk out the door
Unbutton your pants
And tuck in your shirt
The world is watching
Don't act like you don't have a father
You have a father