i've grown accustomed to having no one in my room.
i've learned to love the shade of my curtains.
mom gave them to me since i kept waking up earlier than when i should have
and that my eyes adjusts hastily on the light that felt
burning, heating, loathing.

what a span of three years does to a man.
but a force in my subconscious drove my hands and feet
i finally tied my curtains.

i let the dust settle in
like an unwanted foreign aunt on vacation
but i was taught to be hospitable.
the despicable sunlight seeped in fastly
and there was this hug that i felt

like my mom the week before chemotherapy
she always said it felt as if
her mother was looking over.
a guiding hand, she feels.

maybe this is what i was missing in my mornings.

so, i welcomed it.
i'm glad i tied my curtains today.

We watch it ache and screech,
Tortured for some mercy in its misery,
We’re not allowed to wring its neck
All because the law can love a crow

Every time I mention its pain,
I get scolded. Chastised. Reminded.
This is farming country: and no one loves a crow
They eat the eyes of helpless, newborn lambs
All because farming country loves a lamb
Especially one they can eat themselves

The call on the phone goes nowhere,
Just like that now flightless, punished bird,
Concerns dismissed by automated machines,
No one bothers to come after the tone,
All because no one loves a crow.

palaging bilin sa akin ni itay kahit pa bata ako, "huwag kang pupunta sa lamay na may sugat." ngunit, hanggang ngayon pa naman, makulit pa rin ako. bawat lamay, ako ang taga-aruga sa umiiyak, taga-bigay ng biskit at dyus sa mga bisita, taga-lampaso ng sahig sa tabi ng kabaong.

sa gitna ng lahat, yakap pa rin ako ng aking itay. kahit sa gitna ng pagod, kinakaya ko pa rin ang gumaya sa mga yapak niya. subalit, araw-araw ko na lang nilalampaso sarili kong paa; paa na puno ng laslas, pasa, at mga iba't-ibang mga butas na hindi ko na rin matandaan.

sa kahit anong mangyari, dala-dala ko ang mga sugat na ito. ito ang aking sumpa; na araw-araw kong paglalamayan ang bawat pagkakaibigang nawala, mga irog na sinaktan at nasaktan, mga bawat away sa pamilya, at tuluyang hindi ako aalis sa kapilya kahit mawala pa ang aking dugo.

alam ko sa sarili ko na makulit ako. hangga't may ihihinga pa ako, dadalhin ko ang mga sugat ko sa bawat lamay na hindi pa nililibing hanggang ngayon. pinili ko ang mag-lingkod at maging mabuti. *kahit akin itong ikamamatay pa

you don't need to blame yourself anymore.
you don't need to chastise yourself anymore.
you don't need to look at the mirror every night and constantly hurt yourself anymore.

because i know that the biggest bully you've always had was a friend who has stabbed you in the back
and you didn't know that it hurts until someone told you that you were bleeding.

the doctor said the injury was a minor one
but he wouldn't know that
because you never told him how the pain feels
neither do your friends
nor your family
because i know you had a habit of lying just to prevent another funeral.

and now, the waves are crashing near the seams.
the sounds they make, they manifest the sins from our gods
but you play deaf still
because you don't know what all of this means.
and so you kept this habit of silence for years
...and years
...and years
until finally you realize, the only person you can't confront was yourself.

i know you have a savior complex,
which is why you try to be everyone's friend;
but even the greatest of heroes still rest and sleep
until they get the soft comfort of a cramp casket

i need you to feel better
i need you to heal
i need you to change so i don't have to take care of you.

i need you to not be afraid of vomiting when you speak.
i need you to realize the only stomachache you should fear of is one from guilt.
because i know that it hurts every time in the night before school.

i see you every time i sleep;
tossing and turning yourself every time you see his face
and the many others that have taunted you.
so, i beg of you to take your medicine
as the world is full of chaos;
greed, lust, gluttony,
they roam the alleyways and streets you walk of
and they will get you when the time comes
when you befriend such fools like fear,

the waves will get bigger
and the wound won't close unless you change
but still, i know you won't listen
because i know you are always stubborn.

but i'll forgive you.
because i know you are still a child.
you didn't need to be scolded
you needed to be held,
to be loved and cared for.

i'll take care of you.

i'll be the cliff you run to when the tides come
and the cliff you jump off from when you want to risk it.

i'll be your medicine,
your soft bed,
your doctor,
and the one who will always accept you for who you are.

you're still confused as to why i'm saying this,
but trust me when i say,
"it'll make sense when you're older."

i love you.