i've had boys who want me naked in their beds trying so hard to keep the conversation going at midnight. i've had many bruises and scars after august but they all healed, they all did except one. you gave me pills and you gave me potions. i think i accidentally took the wrong one because in the afternoon, i could say "i am happy without you" with no sound of hesitant but here i am lying awake in the middle of the night not wanting to admit that i miss you. well, i shouldn't. you don't deserve this poem nor the energy that's wasted from writing it because this is not march 2014 anymore, this is march 2015 and everything has changed. we no longer look at each other like our lives depend on it, we don't spill out dreams and unwrap souls under the sky anymore. yes i know it's been awhile since you walked away but if you could get tired of me in seven months, why can't i do the same for the next seven months? i'm not saying that i think about you all the time but once i let my mind wander, somehow it finds its way back to you. i guess you're what most people call home. but a home would've cared, right?

someday,
you'll regret the day
when you left me.

i swear to God,
i swear to God,
i swear to God,

you will.

I haven't been sad in a month or two and even though I'm still not sure whether it's because I am truly happy or truly numb, it is still a progress... isn't it?

I shouldn't write about you. I shouldn't write about you because it's been 5 months and moving on shouldn't be this hard, right? I throw my heart to the ground and watch as the next person carefully holds it yet no one seems right, no one fills the gap of the broken veins. I think the reason why I reject people a lot is because all I'm doing is looking for a copy of you because honestly, you're the only thing that keeps me sane. You were my medicine; you still are. Despite my late night phone calls and texts with other boys who ask me what I wear, I still cry every time I listen to that one particular song and I still feel like dying when I stumble across a picture of us. Hell, we looked so good together. We fit each other like a puzzle and I didn't think fate would bring me such a good luck. I wore your smile on my lips and you held my heart so high I swore it felt like flying. It's both funny and sad to think that now there are other boys who have tried their hardest to make me smile like you used to but they failed miserably. God, can I ever let you go?

I woke up in the middle of the night and my first thought was you. It's ironic, really, because earlier today a friend asked whether I have moved on or not and I said yes without thinking twice about it. I didn't want to seem like an addict but you are my drug, love, what can I do without you? You're the center of my Milky Way and I gave you all the happiness that I didn't have and maybe that's why you're the only source of light in my life. Sometimes I wish you'd stop making me feel like crap for missing you because it is not something I can avoid. I slept with our picture next to me tonight and it ***** to think you'd probably burnt your copy of the pic to ashes. I know this may sound selfish but I also know you're feeling sad about her and the fact that she won't recognize your light but have you ever really stopped and think of how much I've tried to do the same? Would you appreciate her more if she said yes and would you not let her go after 7 months and 700 sneaky kisses? Would you stay around in front of her house and on her bed when her parents weren't around? Would you write her with the same pen and ink and yellow paper you used to write me with? Because honestly darling I cannot forget nor do I want to when it comes to us, yet today you talked to me without ever looking directly into my eyes and I wonder if it was because you still sneaked your heart in my back pocket somehow (though it's highly impossible now). I've never been very fond of repeatedly explaining the same matter but what I'm trying to say with all this ramble is how much I miss you. I miss you so much. Please find your way back to me.

I swore I could hear the walls carefully asking why you forgot to smile at me today.