“Don’t love” she said,
As she laid there swallowed by the blackness upon her bed.
Soaked in mascara and wreckage from three nights before-
Watching the days roll from behind closed doors..

“Trust no one” she began to explain
Over and over she drilled this into my brain,
She was the type to quickly point blame
Then turn to drugs and men in her cycle of shame-

I know Shame.
She and I aren’t too far from the same.
She’s frightened to be alone
And I’m frightened to be what she became-
Frightened our blood line determines our fate

He resided in wonderland
where love was beautiful
passion was peaceful
and dreams were sweet -

But he took a flight
away, out of sight
and that’s where he met me .

(Short Story)

The questions burned inside of me
searing through my guts to my core
leaving a trail of ash through this house
treating my blood like gasoline
smoke rising to my head
melting my brain
Down to this;
One question -

Did he do it?

I could hear my heart beating and watched the hairs on my skin shake a little from the rumble of its thunder.

I asked this question to myself over and over. First, in disbelief. Not letting the facts in front of me fully sink in. But as hours passed, the question began to change and I began to see the woman in the mirror staring back at me a little bit differently.

We’ve almost been here. Time and again. This place of such uncertainty and unknown. But never this close. Not here where we are today. I poured a glass of wine and kept the channel 3 tv on mute. Leaned against the cabinets and granite counter top in the kitchen. I put my head down. Starting at the residue of water stains on the glass that I had chosen. These water stains are disrupting my peace, I thought. Just another flaw in this house that nobody else sees. Infidelity allegations, sleepless nights, bedroom fights, and now this?

I put the glass down, found my way slowly in my Saint Laurent Swarovski crystal-embellished satin pumps through the dim, echoing hallway to the den. My place for morning light and his for evening company and cigars. I looked all around, starring at every wall. Flashbacks of us stripping down, him gripping my waist as he thrusted inside of me while I held on to these walls for stability. A house that has seen many things. If these walls could speak I may not believe their stories.

But this story, is difficult to disbelieve. Not revealed from walls, but through the power of the news media crew. Unfolding and developing stories ringing in my ears. Like high frequency waves making me dizzy. The story of Anna. The last breath she took and the last person to see her alive. The man they believe to be her lover. A quiet man, intuitive, logical and a realist. A hard working, loving and devoted family man. My husband, Oliver. Now under the authoritative custody of the Mipson county sheriff department, as a prime suspect for the ****** of Miss Anna B Delaney.

Details of the scene have not yet been released so it is still unclear and most inconceivable to imagine what happened to Anna.

Embrace your heartbreak
Suffocate your sorrow
Be the girl he couldn’t hinder
Ignite your inner bravado

My universe comes
to an unnerving halt when I see you
But I continue to walk
as if I’m in a rush with somewhere to be

Every morning
I open my tender eyes and see you
I feel your soft skin against mine
It’s a dream all of its own
That I wish to exist in
For forever and a day

I only wanted to love him
But his love wasn’t tangible

The greatest strength I have
is what I built
after you destroyed everything.

I became my own knight in shining armor.

The repetitive melody
A symphony of peace and joy
Two lives coming together
Combining generations
To create one

But there’s something about that harmony
That I don’t understand
Something that boils my thin blood
So hot that I hyperventilate
And it pushes me away
Beyond the song
And past the crowd
To a place of solitude
A lonely place of thought

Why is love so broken
And all of the people involved
Why are we all so broken
Because of love

I’ll take the blame
Because I know it’s harder for you
To admit your wrongs
To realize your wrongs
So I’ll take the blame
And I’ll listen to your pain
Because I know it’s harder for you
To heal
To move on
So I’ll take the blame

I don’t mean to love you
It just is this way

*And I’ve tried everything to let go
But you always stay

I don’t wear the ring anymore
But I kept it
It reminds me of destructive youth
Of broken promises
Believed lies
Long nights
A circle of fights

You may not understand
Why it sits in my dresser
Pushed around
Sinking further and further to the bottom
Used and tossed aside

But I will tell you why
Because it’s a symbol of what I was to you
And I never want to forget that
Even if you forgot that.

Fight
To be stronger
Than you think you are
Day by day
You’ll be stronger
Than the day before

This is how strength is born

Part of freeing him
Was leaving him
And there was no easy way
There was only the inevitable outcome of breaking his heart

Your opinion was not requested
Nor taken under advisement
But thanks anyways

I see you everywhere.

In the cafe off ‪18th Street‬
Buried in your thoughts
Watching the world turn
As if it were a marble between your finger tips
As if we are all just an idea
Trapped within your spinning object…

Stopped at a light
In my car, paused in time
Looking dead ahead reciting the traffic signs
Remembering the tone in your voice as I read them
Forgetting each word after I say it
Repeating the same thing day after day

*Why can’t I let you go…

He is the darkest memory
Buried inside, beneath all this skin
Causing a chemical imbalance
Gnawing at my every *****...
We dance when I sleep
Spinning circles around the ballroom in my head
A fantasy he uses to distract me
Gripping me, twisting me, until I am dead

His oil creased fingers
Wiped the blood from my lip
That he knew was from him...
In his oil based hands my neck laid
Slipping into his arms
Falling into his world...
He kissed my stained lips
And I saw the blood drops levitate
Melting into the ceiling
While the oil from his hands painted my body

I saw it in her eyes
She was going to leave
*But she didn’t know it yet

These words are all that I have
They can always be recited
But never replicated
They are what make me orginal

I remember you
Not from a moment that I can recall
But from a past encounter somewhere deep in our history
Possibly we knew each other in a different time.

Finally home!!
I need a glass of wine. Right now please
I don’t want to be told no or that I shouldn’t
I’m having a glass. Don’t interrupt me.

To be a hero to someone
There will always be a villain found in you
By someone else -

You stand in a field of dandelions and see weeds
But I stand there with you and see a field of dreams

I walked as far as I could
Off the beaten path
Between the weeds and overgrowth

Next to the river
I found a fountain
I found a spot that felt like home

I stayed just to listen
To feel my heart beat once again
I forgot what it was like to feel alive

I don't know how to be me
More like me
The girl I know is trapped inside

Why?  She asked
Why do you love me?
Because,  He said
Because you’re all I’ve ever known
You’re the sun on my skin in the winter morning
You’re breath is my hope, so I inhale you
You’re my smile in a nightmare
You speak love to me in your fingertips
Smother me with your silk hair in the morning
I destroy everything I touch
And you grow flowers from the ash
I don’t know how you do it
You’re contagious and I caught you
I don’t know how to do anything
Except love you

You make me want to sip white wine
In the dim light
Listening to Frank Sinatra

Graceful dancing
Fainted laughing
The old sound of the victrola

You always wanted to be somebody
You chased an idea and you chased an image
I chased you but I lost you
And you lost your courage..

How does it feel to be just some body?

I bet you wonder if you’re in it
Is there a mention of all your monsters?
There might be.
But then again,
Maybe that one poem you thought was about you
Wasn’t about you.
Maybe you’ve actually faded from my memory and become irrelevant.
But that’s your deepest fear, isn’t it?
Not of what you’ll read about yourself
But what you may not find

I traded in my crucifix to run away with a man
The life of a rebel
My life with a criminal
Battling my conscience with the devil
Second guessing & rethinking my ways
Freedom tastes so sweet
But is the price worth the pay?
My skin burns as my religion renounces me
Yet my heart beats to his drum
Sins and all
Loving him is a guilty liberation
A brutal descent, a satisfying fall

I want to go there with you

You know, that place you whispered to me

Whilst I was deep asleep in your arms

Where the air is cool and the river awaits for our feet

With wild horses and overgrown fields of dandelions and bluebonnets

Take me there

And keep me there, like a gem you wear night and day

Passed down from unknown times

But precious to you

A keepsake worth more than all the coins that have ever passed through your fingertips

With a love so sweet you refuse to take the last bite, for then it will be no more

Take me there and I will always stay

She stares at the ocean the way she sees her life
As all was lost
Like there’s just too much to grasp
As if she didn’t have a say
As if she has no control
She loves the salty air caressing her body
And the sand hugging her feet
Not understanding that nobody is loving her
Because she‘s not loving us
She reaches for the edge time and time again
While we reach for her and pull her back
She walks down the coast in a haze
While we search in the fog for her
She is lost at sea
Singing to herself about a drunken sailor
Do I forgive her...
For giving up
For letting go
No, no I don’t.

Nobody knows you
Nobody knows us
Because there was never an us at daylight
We were no more than that night
When I told you everything
Things I never knew I hadn’t said
Secrets I didn’t realize I’d been hiding
And you fed me your heart
Poured out your history to relate to mine
And we became one book with our story
Our words seeped into each others skin
And faded into the wooden planks on the walls
And beams on the ceiling
Sheltering that moment, protecting the purity
Something about you compelled me to talk
Something inside of me forced me to listen
5am came and you were gone
6:30 past and I was gone
We’re out here in this big world alone
But I know you’re not alone because part of you is with me
And I’m not alone because part of me is forever with you

Yes, we have counties
Boundaries and lines
But they’re all faded
Just like us
We have territories
Invisible chalk that we do not cross
For if you cross, prepare to be crossed
Back up, eyes up, guard up
We fight each other
For love. For our beliefs. For loyalty.
We fight for our territory
Yet we protect us. All of us
We shelter us, no exclusions, no exceptions
We are California and we are our own breed.

The one who did very little & the one who did it all
Had one thing in common
The girl who made each feel like he was not enough

I know this ache
This persistent migraine
I’ve always known it’s the memory of you
Trying to escape
Looking for a way out
Pounding on left side of my brain
Familiar patterns of banging
Driving me utterly insane
DON’T CONSUME WITH ALCOHOL the bottle said
I closed my eyes and downed that champagne
Anything to **** the memory of you
In my heart and my upper domain

“Penny for your thoughts” he said
I’d be rich if I gave you even a handful of those
Pennies turning into bands
And your brain would surely overdose
I drink you down, I feel you closely
Thinking of every effect you have on me
Analyzing your words, extracting what I like hearing
I’m quiet but I’m thinking of the meanings

I could have seventeen thousand likes
But there's only one I want
Seventeen hundred heads turning
All but the one I wanted to respond
I feel like I'm seventeen again
Begging for your attention
Seventeen million empty faces
And I'm unable to make a connection
Life line linked to you
From one thousand seventeen miles distance
Building a wall of strangers and space
Is my way of showing my resistance

I was the sweet sugar on his mouth
Melted on his tongue
Like snowflakes
Tingling his senses
A refreshing experience
And he sipped me like coffee
Like some kind of caffeine addict
Again and again pressed against his lips
I wanted so much to be his habit
Oh but I was, and I'll never forget it
He's long gone now
And I'm just that stained mug in his cabinet

Yes, it is true
I once believed that I loved you
Just as I once believed in faries

They told me not to wait for you
And I forgot to breathe
I waited like a waiter and I'm still waiting
I catered and excused you
And I'm still being used
I can't let go
I can't say no

They told me not to wait for you
To change, to show up, to love me
Don't hold your breath, they said
But here I am because I forget to breathe