Thunder covers the
sound of me whimpering into my pillow.
The earth is crying too.

Ohio sunsets in late summer are amazing.

The sky becomes cotton candy with pinks and blues and the temperature begins to drop.
The clouds swirl and stretch.
You can hear a train in the distance with a faint breeze.
It feels great to drive around with the windows down and listen to music.

Ohio sunsets in late summer are amazing.

I just got home from work and driving through the sun rise after stopping at the gas station for cigarettes.
The pink lightbulb guides me up the steps to my apartment and I'm greeted by Sophie the pitbull,
she wiggles and runs happy to see me.
She's the first one into the bedroom when I open the door and as I change out of my work clothes I pet her and kiss her head, complimenting on how cute she is the whole time.
Then I light a candle, pack a bowl and go to Netflix in search of Bob Ross, The Joys of Painting.
On this episode he is painting a night scene in the forest.

I used Bukowski's back
as a makeshift table,
and packed one to smoke.
I hit it a couple times,
only setting it down to text him back.
It's a chilly Friday night.
It's the first time I've felt Fall
this year.
A cool steady breeze blows
in my bedroom window,
and he tells me
I love you.

° Wonderful tonight - Bob Seger
°When the night comes - Dan Auerbach
°Emmylou - First Aid Kit
°You are my sunshine - lots of people
°Can't help falling in love - Elvis Presley
°Fine - Kacey Musgraves
°Home - Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

We got back from the bar and were sitting at a makeshift one in our friend's ratty old trailer that was barely suitable to live in.
He grabbed a piece of paper and began writing something out of my eye sight.
He smiled and slid it over to me like we were passing notes in class.
"You are cute. Wanna hold hands?"
Check YES, or NO.
I put a check mark in the box next to Yes and just as quietly gave it back.
We smiled at each other and I shoved the yellow piece of paper into my purse for safe keeping.
It now hangs on my fridge underneath a magnet from the Aquarium.

I put on your deodorant when I was
getting ready for work because I wanted
to smell like you.
I knew it would be the last time your
scent followed me.
Like the last time I would lay with you,
or kiss you
or touch you.
Missing you is the hardest thing I’ve ever done,
and I have to do it again.
I know I’ll be okay in 6 months but
right now, I’m not.

He came over when I got off work and kissed me on the cheek.
He took me out to lunch and held my hand in Wal-Mart before buying me a pair of work out shoes.
I smoked my last cigarette in a pack this morning and have only been vaping since.
I fell asleep cuddled next to him on the couch and when I woke up we had ***.
For dinner he made me a "disgusting" smoothie with blueberries, strawberries, broccoli, kale, green tea, and a few other things I didn't recognize.
And then I went to work and kissed him before leaving him in my apartment.
It's so strangely nice and he's been such a good influence on me it feels like I'm watching someone else's life.
I am tired, but I think I'm actually happy

And that's it.
It's over.
I did it and didn't even mean to.
We're over.
I left and went to my brother's.
I needed one of my siblings.
We went back to my house later and he was gone.
It's quiet.

Much quieter.
I left and went on a drive.
I ended up at Hueston Woods and sat by the dam.
I listened to the water and felt the breeze and just stared.
It doesn't feel real. Not yet.
Even though now I'm home and it's still quiet.
I'm getting drunk and smoking **** and letting my dog run all over the house that my brother and his boyfriend just so kindly cleaned.
I haven't eaten all day and I called off work.
I'm not ready to sit in this so I'm playing music very loud as I write this.
Funny enough Dan hasn't texted me back all day.
****. Maybe all guys are the same lol

Whatever. I want to be alone anyway.

I think I get addicted to things easily.
So it's very good I've never done any drugs.

My addiction is people.

When I find someone who makes me feel a certain way that I can't really describe except for manicly high highs and depressingly low lows,
I can get obsessed with that feeling.
I don't know how to stop except to go cold turkey.
I can hate them so much when I'm alone and then as soon as I see their name pop up in a text or talk to them out in public I am hooked again.

°Don't get married to someone unless you've been together for at least three years. Five years to be safe.
It takes a really really long time to get to know someone.
°Just because you have a child with someone doesn't mean you HAVE to marry them. Ever. Your kid will turn out fine.
°****** is a choice, not a disease.
°I don't believe there are "soul mates" anymore. Or that you can love one person forever. People change, it's inevitable.
°Love is temporary. ^^
°Twenty-one Pilots *****. Their music isn't original, it's boring.
°Beyonce is even worse. She's definitely part of that group you don't speak of.
°Aliens are real. Seriously.

That's it for now. I know I have a lot more, I just can't think of them right now.

He says he hates the color blue, and turns to look at me.
"Except for your eyes. I like that color."

Sometimes I look at my hair and think,
oh it could be worse. I'm doing better.
And then sometimes I look in the mirror and feel that same horror as the first time I ever noticed what I was doing.
Nothing helps and nobody cares.
And I'm just stuck living with this every day, & it's really ******* hard.
I'm never going to beat trichotillomania.
Some day soon probably,
I'm gonna have to shave off all of this hair that I do have,
that took so long to grow.
Why can't I just stop.

I don't think very many people could fully understand why I would love to shave off my hair.
I don't want to be bald,
just short short short.
I would cry.
I would feel happy.
And free.
The hair that's on my head has made me so unhappy for so long.
My whole life really.
That's why it's been every color, every length.
It's the source of my mental illness and a huge part of my daily struggle.
If it were just gone,
I would feel nothing but liberated.
I could start over.

And you might say, well do it.
But it's not that easy.
It would draw so much negative attention to me.
People might think I've gone crazy, or never stop staring.
And I'm afraid of what they'd think.
Shallow, but true.
I'm a 21 year old girl in 2016 when hair is everything.

But I dream about it. A lot.

Tonight someone told me
they thought I was astonishing.
That they've thought about me for years, after meeting me once.
My eyes, and of course my ****.
So strange, that someone I almost forgot about remembered me so much.
It's sweet and poetic.

Maybe because I've spent my own years pining after someone that has long forgotten me.
It's amazing to be on both sides.

I had my first day where I didn't miss him.
I even started to question why I liked him so much in the first place.
I had my first day where if he had texted and begged for me back I wouldn't go.
I think I fell for the *******, the fake romance he displayed.
Now sitting down and having a deep talk makes me roll my eyes.
I don't want that anymore.
I'd rather have someone be brutally honest, and speak their mind all the time.
Stop being afraid to hurt my feelings, I'm not that breakable.
**** mystery, it's stupid.
It's rude to take so much of someone's time by making your life a riddle.
Get out from under the bridge you ******' troll.

****.
I drank too much whiskey.
I feel so dizzy and I want to get sick.
But my body won't let me.
I hungout with an old high school friend
and we drank and smoked and listened to good *** music.
It was fun.
I went to the gas station afterwards to buy cigarettes and two older men in a car were checking me out. That was uncomfortable.
I had too much.
I need to sleep.
And I miss my boyfriend.
I'm sorry, I'm drunk.

“I wish I could put you in my pocket.”

And I wish I could fit.

Sometimes,
well quite frequently actually.
I wonder if I'm depressed.
Oddly enough,
I don't know for sure.
Even on the best day,
I feel sad.
Anxious; always thinking about
tomorrow.
I am always tired.
Like, so much so that I am almost sure I could sleep for a week.
I love my job,
but I don't.
I hate being alone,
but I also don't like being around people.
I don't know if these feelings are just normal, something everyone feels.
Or if it's just me.

While laying in bed I can hear the windchimes, that are hanging outside my neighbor's apartment singing loudly and consistently.
The wind is blowing hard outside.
Even though it's Halloween it's warm and the air smells fresh as it comes in my window.
Perfect to fall asleep to.