when i
look back
at all the roles
i’ve played
throughout my life,
at all the characters
i’ve had to create,
all the versions
and variations
of myself
i have
pretended to be…
it’s crazy to think
how i really don’t
know me
i think i never
really wanted to
because i am too afraid
of being unloved
and unwanted
i use all these masks
to hide the pain
and cover up the tears
that have been pulling my strings
for most of my years
stopping me from
taking risks
because of
all my fears
i’m torn in two
trying to get to you
and wondering
if you’re
just going
to grow bored
of me, too
once the music stops
and the bells
fall off my shoes
will you like me when i’m me?
or do you want me to be you?
these are the questions
that rotate around
my brain
walking around
my mind
with thousands of tiny
hands and feet
tickling and causing vibrations
sending me down
into countless spirals
that never end well
i have been sick
for as long
as i can remember
and i don’t
know
that i’ll ever
be fully
in my right mind
there are
always little monsters
in my head
chasing me around
and there’s nowhere
i can hide
i am always exhausted
no matter how much
i rest
and i guess
being crazy
is just what
i do best
i think this is the only thing i’ve written while sober in years