I lay beside you
your arm tucked
tight against my chest
I know I am dreaming
But I swear your heartbeat
is really beating and I’m warm
Under your small breaths
I don’t have to move the blanket
the asleep version of me
instantly knows it’s you.
I feel the empty rage in my heart from
betrayals that haven’t been forgotten
but also the warm love
That I only ever feel for you
it’s emanating from deep within
The same spot that convinced me
You were my true home  

In my dream we weren’t hoping
To be back in love together
There were no puppy thoughts
Or sappy feelings
The bad stuff had still happened
And we were not thinking of forever

But when our eyes would meet
They would echo with deep respect
The type that comes after truly
Destroying one another and
Healing apart
There was true forgiveness.
But most importantly
There was
You.

My dad tells me people have been
Dying often these days
Not just people, but
Distant uncles I mostly knew
Through phone calls, odd gifts, and stiff hugs
Just a year or two age difference
some older
a lot have been younger.

My dad tells me my oldest brother called-
I haven’t seen him in over ten years.
He seems so out of touch and hard to understand
it’s like we’ve lost him to the bloodline madness.

“I don’t want to lose you too” my dad tells me
the words tumbling out of his mouth
he hesitates, regretting the brief display of emotion

There’s nothing more I want
than to be lost

I’m six years old again
And home alone
calmly convincing myself
No one can reach me here
On the floor hiding behind clothes
Crying in the dark
It’s like I never left

I burn in the shower remembering
When I was coming to from anesthesia
faint memory of hands and my drugged protest
deep slumber and the thought
“why won’t he just stop?”
and him saying
“I did stop, after awhile”

She said,
"I'm looking for someone,
Looking for something."
I asked,
"What is it?"
She replied,
"I can't exactly remember."
I questioned,
"How will you know you've found it?"
She said,
"It's something one can't forget,
Someone never forgotten."
I asked further,
"Well, who is it?"
She said,
"I don't really know,
But I think I've seen them before.
There's an image in my head
And an idea in my mind,
They feel innate to me."
"Are they, though?"
She didn't answer,
"I think if I just do
As my parents have done
And their parents have done,
I'll be all the closer."
I just shook my head and laughed.
"Sorry, I'm not laughing at you.
I just find it funny.
You say you're searching
For something or someone,
And you only have the slightest idea
Of what that is."
"I know, it's a bit silly."
"Why, they could be
Talking to you right now
And you would never know it then!"
"Maybe, maybe not.
I'd like to think
I would recognize it, recognize them."
"Well, you don't think
You're special do you?"
"No more so than anyone else."
"So, how would you know?"
"I guess I just believe,
I have faith in that
Hope shall deliver me.
I try my hardest
To be the best I can be,
I always try to be honest
And act respectfully.
I love with all my heart
And shelter it from nobody."

"Ah, but do you reach?
Do you search your mind
As much as the tangible world?
Perhaps what you're looking for
Can't be found
Without exploring within first.
Perhaps this is the only place
It exists.
Maybe it is a mystery
Confused with fantasy,
Maybe it is a fantasy
Confused with mystery.
Perhaps it can
Only be discovered
By any one individual.
Maybe by elusion,
Made by illusion.
Perhaps it is,
Perhaps it isn't,
Maybe you're just not worthy.
Perhaps you've already eclipsed it."
I had said.
"I'm looking for someone,
Looking for something."
I said.

"What is it?"
She said.
"It's something one can't forget,
Someone never forgotten."
I said.
"Yes, but who remembers?
And what memories?"
She said.
"It's something that can't be held,
But something one must hold.
It's something that can't be told,
But something one must tell.
It's like the melody of a song,
Like the lyrics sung.
It is only as old
As it is young."
I said.
"What is it?"
She said.

"What is it?"