I saw pieces of the world
Magical corners
Excitement flooding my bones to set them vibrating
Sunk into the cold white with an eight year olds smile
Giggling the same
Took in the bare ***** rocks formed over centuries of whips and waves
Giant canyons reminding of my insignificant existence in their presence, here before me and long after
I sat wide eyed and silent, adoring the moment where I was free and adoring God's artistry
Adventure upon adventure, as thrilling as the last
I rode the roads, writing about my scars, rivers down my cheeks
Expecting immediate catharsis
Wishing for 'home'
It took two days for it to come to me, for me
Wrap around me, burrow into my skin, envelop my bed
It lay in wait for me
It echoes in this vast empty house
The nothing that is here
The mind numbing pain
of absence
I should have kept running

Today I'm fresh
Today I am new
I am feeling around in the dark, but it's only my hands
It's only my voice that answers the queries
I knew something was wrong when I looked for your voice before my own
When I wanted your hands in case my clumsy pair failed
I was living my life through you
So, one set of hands and one voice ringing through the dark is the answer
And I answered
I am all I need

5 minutes for amnesia
Laughing, tumbling through waves in the ocean
5 minutes for amnesia
Giggling like I'm back to 10 years old, salty, stringy hair pasted to my face
5 minutes for amnesia
The sun is blissful on my tipped up, smile stretched skin
5 minutes for amnesia
And I'm just me, free me, happy with the moment, the breeze in my hair, carrying my worries in pieces
The pieces solidify
And inch by inch I recede and remember
I wish I had an etch-a-sketch, that I could erase what's behind me, draw a happy picture, be brand new.

Nothing but cold is outside my body
I've finally finished with you
I've finally finished attempting to pull together this project,
The one where you're called 'Mum'
And you give me the makeup and boy tips
Where home is a place and that place is you
I've let it go to the wind and scatter
Faced the infinite truth,
I can pretty every aspect of life but the pretty will never shine through
Ugly is down to the bone
& all I have is the soul I own, the breath I breathe, the voice I speak
It'll just have to do.

I'm speaking in lists to get by
I'm not reading them
It's just to lessen the drowning, to grab hold of something with roots so I can survive the current
But I'm swept away anyway
It's all so complicated
Doesn't anyone ever get complicated like this?
Am I different? No I know, we're all the same, there's no such thing as unique, you're not the only one experiencing this
But this complexity is impossible, surely people would be crazy if this was their reality
2am and holding their head in their hands in attempt to find calm
Thoughts speeding round the edges hitting the walls
Falling like battered bees
I just don't know, and that's my mantra
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
I'm not making sense, you're not making sense, life isn't making sense, it's all making nonsense

Two minds exist in one space
I'm beautiful in such a unique, one in a million way, deep down knowledge tells me
I look in the mirror, it's not outside beauty I speak of
Can anyone else see it?
Do they want to spend the time looking for it, digging to the bottom
Will I ever find an equal, ever find someone who sees with clear cut eyes
Or will I spend this life in the shadows of solidarity, strange perspectives and too much for the shallow, vice filled lifestyles
Was I brought into existence to exist in this space? Or am I entirely in the wrong place?

All the passion banked up in my larger than life soul
It would have been shared with you
You would have been the focus of my twinkling lit eyes
The attention of my love starved lips and hands
You would have had the largest space in my heart all to yourself (and I'll never tell you this but there is no would, you do)
But you're fading, that space is shrinking
But
It's in this moment that I've got hindsight tinged vision
And I know, I was the most beautiful thing you ever had
One day you'll know too