if you want to leave me behind
i understand.
your mind had blinders that
leave you stubborn
you refuse to believe anything good
could come of this
as if it were up to you alone to hold
the weight of the world
a goal so admirable
yet so misguided
you light yourself ablaze
& complain that it's too warm
as if you didn't pour yourself in gasoline
& light the match
all this pain you burn yourself in
is purely self-inflicted
& i got caught in the crossfire

you lock me in the coldest recesses of your heart
as i watch you burn down
the most important thing in my life
where are the words to stop you
what strings of vowels could my mouth make
to push you into the safety of the water?
if you would only let me free
i would be there to pull you out
i promise you i would never let you drown
if only you let me be there
to be your lifeguard

& the beautiful boys
Love the beautiful girls with
Fragile hearts
& delicate bodys
Who dont seem to notice they're lovely
& that's why they dont love me
I'm not that kind of beautiful
My heart is as strong as wood
But wood can still break
I'm a single tree in a field of flowers
Watching all the beautiful boys
Pluck them all one by one
& dont you know that
Picking flowers makes them wither away?
What a tragedy
It seems that the only kind that visit me
Are the kind that want to rip the leaves
To leave me naked & weak
I wait for a storm to come along
& take me down
If a tree falls all alone
Does it still make a sound?

if we have lived a thousand lives,
then i must have lost you a thousand times before.
if i have lost you a thousand times,
then will i lose you over a thousand times more?
how many cycles more will we love,
how many lifetimes left to break apart?
why am i drawn to you each life?
& why each time, do you break my heart?
if we have lived a thousand lives,
why haven't we learned a thing?
how have you devoured me whole?
i bend at the knee for you, my king.
if we have loved a thousand times,
i promise i'd do it all over again,
if we have loved a thousand times,
i will find you once more where it all began.

although the years have come and gone,
still my heart aches
each year, it repeats
the same pain in my chest
at first so slow i almost don't notice it
quietly dripping in the distance
like a leaky faucet
and suddenly i remember your smile,
your laugh, your curls
and as if Zeus himself struck me,
the ache in my heart returns.
overcome with emotions
all i can do is sit and cry
and i mourn you all over again.
and yet you're still breathing.
and i should have let go already.
it happens around the same time each year.
sometimes it comes a few weeks early,
sometimes it's right on the nose...
i know it's all rose coloured glasses
i know it's all a fantasy i cling to.
just know, i pray for you still
i pray that you're happy and at peace
i pray that life is good to you
i have no selfish bone left in my body for you,
but one.
only one that somehow prays
that you'll find me
and tell me it wasn't a lie...
so that we can go back to loving from a distance.
this year it came early,
the ache, like a car crash.
so forgive me for being early in saying this..

and i know you probably don't miss me
or ache over me like i do for you...
but i loved you once,
i love you still
i always have
and always will..


happy birthday tj

as long as i hold in the sting,
& my eyes don't betray my smile,
as long as i don't say the wrong thing,
this will make it all worthwhile.

i assure you, there is no depth,
nothing but a mannequin in disguise,
what you see, what you get,
only blankness behind the eyes.

painting these cell bars pink,
trading reality for daydreams,
stubbornly refusing to stop & think,
unless it's in extremes.

will this hollowness continue to grow?
can i escape the apathetic nightmare?
i don't ever really know,
& i don't seem to really care.