Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know he is a little ***** and rough around the edges, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know he was bad with money, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know he isn't as educated as I am and sometimes he gets mad at me for that, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know he pulled my hair that one time, but it felt like home, and mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know he treated me like ****, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know he doesn't really love me, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know he gets pushy with ***, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know none of my friends or family like him, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know he will leave me faster than he came, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know he uses me, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know he won't be enough for me, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know we love in different ways, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know he draws too much attention to himself and I hate attention, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know, I know I know, I know.

I know mama, I know.

Yes, yes mama I know.

Yes, I know

I know.

I know!

I know mama!

Yes, I know!

Don't you think I know?

Mama, I know!

But mama, mama listen!

Listen mama!

But mama, mama listen!

Listen mama!

You won't listen.

Mama! HE HELD ME!

You see, I tried to tell him
about that night
"No" I say, "he didn't hurt me"
and no I didn't say no
but I said things like
"That's enough" and "I don't like that"
And yes at first I had wanted to
And no I wasn't so drunk I couldn't consent
But I turned my legs and offered something else
he didn't want that...
I faked it to make it stop because I didn't know what to else to say
I laughed about it with my friends because I was trying to get
another reaction.
I was trying to ask someone if it was ok...
I told my priest and he said I was asking for it
I told a pastor and she said "we all make mistakes"
I told him because I wanted to explain...why I didn't like that one thing...
I never told myself. Because I didn't want to hear what I had to say.
and that
that
is
the
problem

I was going to **** myself today, but my boyfriend called and he wanted to talk till we fell asleep

I was going to **** myself the next day, but I told my mom I'd come visit and I did

Then the next day came and I was going to **** myself but I went to church and they told me it was a sin

That Monday came around and I was going to **** myself, but the boy I nanny said "tie my shoes ana" and we made a plan to teach him how to tie his own shoes

I was going to **** myself after he learned to tie his shoes, but then he needed help with reading, and then maths

I was going to **** myself today, but I just realized the excuses I make are the reasons I don't.

does the inside of your head
ever feel like a radio
thats constantly changing
stations
with lots of
static
and all the stations are
bad thoughts
that are strung together in
a sort of continuous narrative
of constantly escalating
fear
and
compounding dread?

"Don't tell me sad things"
He says
I guess I'll just hold it inside.

Your selfish words have made me self sustainable.

I do not need you. I pick you. You should feel so lucky.

"I need you" he says. And that's just great. No pressure.

I do not need him. And that makes him sad but its the truth.

"I don't want to lie to you" he says.

Well that's fine. But it is easier that way. Just tell me what I want.

I just want things my to be my way. What's wrong with that?

"Don't tell me sad things"

I guess I'll just hold it inside.

But when we sit down and think about it
I'm really not sure
I have no idea in fact
I can't tell you why
No one else seems to know
And there aren't any distinct feelings about it
Its just there
My life that is