You know that feeling of mild annoyance
when your friend forces you into
watching a video you didn't want to watch
and then an ad plays before it
so you have to watch that too?
That's how I feel about being alive.

Like I don't want to **** myself or anything
I'm just a little annoyed by being here
and having to sit through dumb **** all the time

I popped a new candle out of its glass
flamingo decorated coffin and put it in a
larger once clear and full of wax but now
sooty vessel

I wanted to burn it but I bought it
for my mother the flamingo enthusiast
who has covered our house in flamingo
cookie jars and curtains and little flamingo
wine toppers so I bought the candle
for 7.99 to add to the collection

I knew she wouldn’t care about
the candle as much as the jar it lived in
so I rescued it briefly only to crush its hopes
by replacing it immediately in an ill fitting
***** home where another of its kind
had already died

The problem I face is that this candle
somehow escaped my murderous hands
by burning so incredibly uneven that the
wax consumed the wick rendering it
completely unburnable

I’m feeling a little disappointed but
I suppose congratulations are in order

I wish I didn't have to google you
I would text you but I don't have your phone number
I noticed you painted over the cats on your mailbox
I'll be honest I felt a little disappointed
How's your last year at Harvard going
Does it smell like money and books and black coffee
Do you still write the way you used to
How's your mom
Is your cat still alive
Did you ever lose that extra weight in
your cheeks
Do you remember why you left
You never told me
Do you remember me

I like people from the south who talk slow like
honey pouring out of a teddy bear and into a glass
of tea like your last year of high school slow  
I like listening to things men say to women
outside of bars on Friday nights like yeah  
I’m really into meditation I like hearing
two babies talk to each other learning
how to make sounds into words I like to
lay on the couch and hear people drive
by on their way home to their couches

I like hearing I love you fall out
of someone’s mouth when they didn’t  
really mean it to I like hearing you say it
too I like to hear your voice change depending
on the time of day I like to hear the
way you say my name

Twenty one is the
last age to be excited
about turning

Once you're past thirty
birthdays are just
lying and not getting
presents

This next year is the last
time I'll have to pretend
to enjoy getting older

but it's one day less
than a month away
from my twenty first birthday

and I don't drink

Last night I told you that
maybe someday I'd like to
marry you if that was
ok with you

and then I said sorry
you told me not to apologize,
that the feeling was mutual

Since that moment my feet
have been at least an inch
off the ground,
maybe a foot

You described yourself as
Beaming

I could imagine light shining
from you, gleaming
glowing like through
the ceiling of a
greenhouse

Maybe one full of ferns
and black eyed susan's
for the colors
In your eyes

I think
Maybe
If it's ok with you
we could get married there

We could stand between the
rows of flowers and ferns
and the he light would
fall over us like a blanket
and everything would
smell fresh,
and new
and you would be
beaming

Sometimes at night
when the streets are quiet
I can hear the crosswalk
talk from the stoplight
by my house

Wait
Wait
Wait

And sometimes when
I can hear the crosswalk
counting down
I close my eyes and

I’m on the street corner and
headlights are speeding
past me and my head
is pounding along with
the bass lines
and my breathing
is getting labored
and it would be so easy
but the stoplight is
yelling wait

as if it knows what’s
to come

as if it understands any more
than the thirty seconds
between green and red