They say that in order to truly hate someone
There had to be a lot of love there to begin with
And I think about the times you would sing to me in the car
How we would dance in the kitchen while cooking dinner
All the times I'd fall asleep with your hand stroking my hair
Those moments were tender and felt so real
But how is it love when you scream in my face
When your words drip venom and your fists are clenched
Love is not violent
Love does not breed hate
I don't know how you can separate the tenderness and the poison
How do I wrestle with two realities at the same time
I struggle often with my own guilt
I never wanted to hurt you
How do you sleep at night
With the memory of your hands around my throat
How were they the same hands that tussled my hair at night
The same hands that cupped my sweaty face after birth
The same hands that softly grip our daughter's
In case you're wondering I can't sleep at all
Some say we become obsessed with our abuser
How can we not
Survival mode does crazy things to our minds
I'm tired of the madness

You asked what I wanted,
And it's more of this
My head feels heavy
My heart is split
But with you, the thoughts are quiet
What if I could jump all the way in?
Dreams about what our life could be
Maybe I'm not thinking clearly
I know its way too early
Nothing makes sense
But with you, it feels like peace
Instant, insane connection
Trust and communication
Relieving word *****
A safe haven
No expectations
No conditions
Just us as we are
I've missed feeling like myself
With you, it's effortless
There's warmth in you
I talk a lot without saying anything
Yet the silence speaks volumes
The important thing is that you hear it
You listen, and breathe it in
So what do I want?
More than anything; to be loved
And that's how I feel when I'm with you

the words spill onto the page as i think about
how my skin melts under your tongue
how your tide shifts beneath my gaze
how our garden flourishes out of the darkness
and despite the miles of mud i trek through
you are always traveling the road beside me
      listening
                    supporting
                                      encouraging
      your palms stretch towards the clouds
      your eyes close as you welcome the warmth
you are the child of sunbeams and ocean waves
and i was birthed under an ebony sky in a river of moonlight

somehow we met here in the middle

and it is here in the middle that we love

"It comes in waves"
More like it resurfaces
You know, because depression is always with me,
Just not always where you can see.
It is the angsty teen hiding in his room until the guests leave.
It is the bad poetry he keeps in a notebook under the bed.
It is the pack of cigarettes he buries in his underwear drawer;
Someone must search to find it.
Depression cannot come in waves.
If it could, wouldn't I be able to ride it out -
Or is drowning my punishment for not learning how to surf?
You see, because I have never surfed in my life.
Everything must wash over me.
I bathe in the ocean instead of the bathtub,
I scrub saltwater into my paper cuts until they are more painful than an open wound in an attempt to validate the sadness that stays with me.
Because even though it is nameless, it is as daunting as the dinner guest,
Hidden, yet embarrassing letters on paper forming words resembling a poem,
Intangible, but quickly filling my lungs and spreading into my bloodstream
Imitating pleasure and escape while slowly releasing dangerous chemicals
While exuding toxins that ****** my relationships and self-worth.
If depression were waves, I could find beauty in them.
Instead, my perception views dismemberments of values,
Shattered pieces of what "before" looked like:
Before the anxiety.
Before the embarrassment.
Before the shame.
If depression truly comes in waves, give me time between to learn to ride them to shore.

i. lionhearted girl
with teeth and ambitions bared
in a gentle heart.

ii. the strongest metals
between iron and silver
are your elements.

iii. a force of nature
like a warm ray of sunshine
on a winter day.