Love is brave
Take your armor
That you have wrought
In the depth of your suffering
From the sources of your personal injuries
And cast it aside
Bare your breast
Before the one whose joy you wish ascendant
Watch her in her own fear
Holding the knife itself come forward
And trust
She will hold you with courage to

Am I using up my love
Am I burning through the stock of that ineffable magic
Each time, it happens
I feel like I have less
Like I have lost piece by little piece
The moon and the stars in your eyes
Each time I throw myself into the dark pools of your desires
I come up emptier
As though deep at the bottom
Amongst the smooth stones
Lie pieces of a heart too burdened to rise
Each time I come up
a little more out of breath
Does it come back?
Can I restore that silent joy
Or have I spent it beyond recovery?

To be a people pleaser
Is to be a liar
First to yourself
First you say
Their happiness is my happiness
Then you say
I'm fine, I'm fine with this
And this and this and this
And when they say this
And they look at you
With the eyes of a lover
With deep need and kindness
With the vulnerability you wish was yours
You say that, and this, and that
So they won't be sad, so that they'll smile,
You want so much for them to smile
Because you love them...
Or you want to love them?
Or, you wished you loved them?
Or, you don't want to hurt them
Because
You're a people pleaser
And you imagine
You pretend, you tell yourself
This, this is my person
You want it so much to be true
Until a moment comes
And you look around
And realize
I'm not fine
And you pull
And you pull, till you pull
The rug out from underneath them
And the shelter you built
And the futures you conjured
And the safety you promised
Evaporates and falls apart
Like a flimsy children's umbrella
And the rain like hateful knives comes down
And you get to watch
As the betrayal falls
And you realize you could never be
What they needed
You promised so much
But it was a lie
First to yourself
But oh how they suffered for it

In the silence of the night
In the soft stillness
In the dark eyes of you

I dreamed

I dreamed that love was real
That my love was real
And not a selfish expression of profound need

I dreamed that I gave,
Was able to give you
Everything you wanted, or needed
That I was your needs answered
As it has felt like you are mine

I know that's absurd
I like you
Like I haven't liked someone for a very long time
I know that there are so many limitations to it,
To me
I know I can't give you everything

But God how I wish I could

And in knowing that wish
I can't help but feel
That giving you what I have
Right now to give
For how long it is reasonable to give
With kindness,
And understanding
In the limitations of the self
And patience for the absurdity of the world
Is the best I can do
The only thing I can do
It's as close as I can get
And it's so much less
Than you deserve

Back in the dark
In the past before the printed word
Before ink and feathered pens
Even before the cuneiform on tablets of soft clay
In the dark when monsters hunted us When cold would **** so many
When food was life itself
And starvation was part of life

I heard the howling of the wolves who became dogs

I heard the deep singing, and drums beating through the air under a deep blue sky covered in bright stars so thick it looked like milk being poured by some great giant

I felt the beat as a heart that sang of the need to come together
And in the song of the wolves that became dogs I heard the words that journeyed into the night

Come family, come together, come family
We are more together,
We survive together
We grow great together

Come family come to me
The night is dark
But it is not cold if you are here
It is not lonely

I do not howl into the night
But instead I sing
Come family, come together
We are strong together
Together we are more

I took a multitude of universes from you
An infinite series of possible other yous
Each completing a life different from this one.
I can't give them back
You only ever do just get the one

But I look in the eyes of the old wives
And hidden in their words
Is the mourning for all the lives they couldn't live

And so I know what it means when you chose me.
Every day
I will not waste your life
I want to say
That each day
I will make the multiverse of you jealous that they don't live this exact life
But I know how life is,
So I can't promise a perfect life
I can only promise
That each day I will try

Forgive me when I think of lovers past


My heart is big, like a great house,
Like everyone's heart
The best rooms are yours,
The largest rooms are for you
The brightest, with the most sunlight are the ones where you are
Your voice echoes through them like music and the morning call of songbirds
But like a great house, long in its leaning
There are rooms not often used,
Rooms of memory
With dust and cobwebs, and shadow
That's where she lives,
If I go there and lift a sheet to reminisce over an old picture
Don't imagine I would invite her back to live
Someday those rooms too will be yours,
I am still rebuilding
It takes time to remodel a heart