From past heartbreak,
I learned to amend,

Learned to make
The best of a situation,

Even accepting and
Starting off as friends.

Still learning to move on
From a past so complicated,

I keep trying my best to not
get lost in the devastation,

Please excuse the infatuation,
I get lost in my head.

I promise I'm trying my best to
not get so fixated,

Give me some patience
And grace,

Because I don't want to
Push you away again.

Just know that I'm grateful,
More than okay,

Starting off as just friends.

There were times when
I looked up to you

There were times when
I thought I had a brother
Who gave a **** about me.

Somewhere down the road,
Emotions veered off course
And you became another stranger

You became a stranger to me,
and everyone that loved you.

You turned into a monster,
Drinking down your emotions,
Morphing them into hate

You were mad at the world,
And angry at everyone around you.

You resorted to violence,
because that was the only time
you felt you could get your point across.

You abandoned your father,
Your son, your daughter
When things didn't go your way.

You moved, you started a new family.
And when it went south,
You decided enough was enough, taking your own life.

You lived your life
With the notion
that everyone was against you

It was you against the world.

No one would listen,
No one gave you a chance.
No one believed in you.

I gave you a chance.
Your father gave you several.

You abandoned your kids,
and they still came crawling back.

Your sisters didn't give up hope,
and you still believed you were public enemy number one.

Now that you're gone,
It's almost like you've abandoned us again.

There are no more chances to make amends.

In spite of that, there is room for forgiveness.

I forgive you for leaving me.
For leaving your son, your daughter,
Your father, your mother,
And your sisters behind.

Your demons got the best of you.

I won't let mine get the best of me.

I forgive you for everything you've done to me,
And those who loved you.

I won't forget you.
And neither will they.

I have to accept you're gone.
You're never coming back.
There's nothing I can do
to bring you back to life.

I have to accept it
and move on.

I don't want to die,
Don't want to say goodbye

But sadness destroyed
my confidence and now

I'm back down hiding
everything deep inside.

How can I go on?

When I don't want
to live, don't want
to try

When everything around me
has turned into one big
lie.

Do I exist just
to get torn
and drug down
under?

Is my life just
one chaotic thunder,

striking every last
chance down before I can
grasp it,

or is it my new normal,
and I haven't accepted it
yet?

Just slept another
day away,

Forgot to see the
sun rise.

Thought it was
nightfall,

But I guess
I was mistaken
this time.

Got out the wrong
side of the bed,

Put on my
disguise, again.

No one likes
a sad man,

Otherwise,
What’s to say
I’m fine?

Time seems to
pass everyone by

And I wish it
would speed up
in this lifetime.

But the hands
on the clock,

Only moves so far,
just like the sands
in the hourglass
of time.

Just slept another
day away,

Watched the sun,
Come creeping up,

Wore the face of
grief, and regret
under forced
smiles and alibis.

No one likes a sad man.

Why even try?

It doesn’t have to be this way,
It’s not as hard as you imagined
it all to be.

There are hills, and obstacles in
the way, but persistence is key—

Prevailing is the best way
to not fall in a state so freely.

It’s all about faking your way,
And ******* it up, until you
grow so numb, because nothing
else matters—

Nothing else matters anymore.

It’s a hard road ahead, and you’re
the greatest enemy that you
could ever meet.

An enemy you could only
defeat.

But you’ve yet to stand up
for yourself, and you end up
getting torn,

A person left in shatters,
oh-so forlorn.

Waking up lonely,
Wanting somebody.

Broken from the past,
And a melancholic mind,
That leaves me longing.

I just want to call someone
My one and only,

Instead, I’m haunted
by memories that are
now long gone,

And I’m back to
feeling lost
and empty.

Spent the last few years
Living in disarray,

Always chasing safety,
Hoping I'd make it someday.

But safety only
Goes so far,

When I'm always
Going to war
With myself

And all I leave are
Scars.

Stuck in a dreamscape
Battlefield that makes it
Hard to go to sleep.

Post-traumatic stress
And nightmares eating me
For days,

Sometimes,
I just want to scream
And disappear for days.

Some days, I wonder,
Is there an end to
This storm?

Is there a better way to cope
Or will I have to suffer
A little more?

Don’t stare below,
The heights to a higher place affright you.
The ground shook, the air frigid,
the people stood in shock.
You kept your balance.
you threaten to descend,

they send a plea,
begging you to ascend.
The others, calling you
to step off the ledge.

We’re not fools.
This isn’t a test,

We’re sorry you let your guard down,
Don’t let this get to you.
You’re not misplaced.

Risking your life,
Benefiting the satisfaction of others;
Won’t solve your problem.
Evaluate before you subjugate.
From your distance,
They’re just little specks in the concrete.

The limit is the sky.
You can become what your heart desires.

I’m cognizant of the stranger’s honest opinion,
They barely know who you are. They say what they’ve said before.
Why not change it?
Show them you’re incredible.
Prove to them you’re not a failure, be their friend - not their foe.

Explain to them what brought you this far,
I’m sure they’ll be happy to assist,
Give you a helping hand.

Take your time, I’ll be waiting.

When I turn back around,
I expect you to come back to me.

We all care, dear. It just takes a moment to find out.
To put your faith back and restore your trust.
We all have a purpose; you just have to set out and discover your own.

I want to trade my days
Away for
Something better.

I want to let go
Of the light
So I can repair,

Falling in the
Black, desolate,
Void and

Stuck in this
Never-ending
Fixation on
Despair.

I wish I didn’t care,

But a part of me
That died left the
Feeling that lingers on,

And now I’m numb
and in disrepair.

With every new perspective,
I wish that I didn’t let the past
Pull me in every direction.

I know there’s no reason to
Focus on the matters

But all I see is old reflections.

Hearts drift away,
And I remember
Just like it was yesterday.

Memories are never
Gone, but sparks
Get crossed, and now I’m
dead and gone.

I wish I didn’t care.
I wish I could repair.

But right now,
I’m feeling numb,
And in disrepair.

Forgive me if I neglect you.

I am trying to clear my head.

I don’t despise you.

My reason is I can’t continue suffering. They’ve moved on. Why can’t I?

It’s been over a year. Imprinted in time, your ashes kept alive.
Your body is placed to rest, your loved ones living a lie.
I kept busy, kept myself in denial
so that I could live in comfort and peace

Then reality struck me like a brick wall
and I fell down, weeping for my loss.

I replaced grieving with regret.
Committed acts I never imagined let set

Months progressed, I have repaired,
Repressed the memory to forget -
Only to have it come back around with a stronger hit.

I want you to know I have always cared about you.
I…I wish I could have been a better person,
but I pulled away, and you left the world without warning.

To this present day,
more than a year since I laid my eyes on
the body resting in calm repose,
my heart continues to ache immensely.

I assure myself I must go on. I need to let go.
Just promise me you’ll remember me.

Your passing has me living under a dark cloud;
please forgive me if I forget you right now.

Remember back in the days,
When you were joyous
And cared without a doubt,

Before the days of darkness
Shrouded over and cast
A shadow over you?

Remember the days
You loved, and were
Loved back?

The kisses and hugs,
The smiles given back.

The days when you
Had purpose, and drive.

Nothing could stop you,
And you felt like you
Could fly.

But one day, one mistake
After the next, you kept
Falling and tumbling down.

You lost every sense of
Self, and lost yourself in the
Process.

Ignorance is bliss,
But living in denial,
Is like a deadly sin.

What you used to be,
Never really left.

None of that is ever
Really gone.

Remember the days
When you thought
You had it all?

None of that
Was ever really lost.

Before the world
Wakes from its slumber,

The luminance
Of the night casts
Down.

Now it's five a.m. and
I'm restless, wanting
Something more,

Lost again,
Just like before.

Lonely, heartbroken,
I don't want to feel
Anymore.

In the darkest
Hour, I lie awake.

Memories of you
And I, and I just
Want to cry out.

Read between the
Lines,

Everything's not fine.

The world's not in
Black and white,

But the color
Has run out, and I'm
Cast out.

So I lie here awake,
Remembering the
Better days when

You were mine.

Time.
A fraction of a second, you called my name.

Reunited.
This rope, cut free from the time I've spent with you, remembering the promise of being together forever.

Second chances,
All that you had to give me when I was at fault, when I was the one who kept you up at night. When I was the one who fought the fight, you remained persistent through it all.

Forgiving.
Waiting for the phone call,
Knowing that if I come back,
You'd relieve yourself of despair.

Displaced.
Spreading like a virus,
the predicament you wished you'd never have to face.
Broadcast over a series you wished you haven't watched or set eyes upon.

While you were waiting at the doorstep to resolve the situation,
He was displaced, immersed in the river before you could come to realisation.

You exhaled, breathing in the life you're so lucky to have,
Mourning over the thought of one more day without him.

You could have changed the past.
Reversed the roles of right and wrong.
Tell him, that through it all, he's still your serenading song,
Before you left him on the roadside.

why do i always
go after myself

pick apart every
single thought

tear myself to
pieces and

find excuses
to not have a
heart?

life doesn't go
according to plan

and two years in
i'm caught in-between
lies i told myself

that buried me
deep within.

there's no mystery
i lived in
make-believe

it was a safety-net,
a fantasy
that made me believe

it could one day be.

but one day,
i woke up and realized

feeling sorry for myself
only goes so far, and leaves
me paralyzed.

i had to move on
from this nightmare.

i had to finally
move past,
and leave behind,

the memories with
rose-colored eyes.

another day
into the next

nothing changes
except the test

same sun,
rain, and
clouds

same ****
life, same ****
town.

medicated,
and can't make
sense of self

the words in my
head blur
again

and i'm right
back to the

same **** life,
same **** high

stuck in the middle,
with no one to save me
this time.

Didn’t use to
hesitate for
a single second,

Jumping to
conclusions,

And headfirst
into all the
evidence.

I never doubted
a word you said,

Even if the words
I said weren’t so
clear.

I never
learned to put

trust
within
myself,

Lived my
life, hiding
in fear of
self.

It’s not an
easy thing to
admit,

And
I know all
the things
I’ve done.

Saying sorry won’t
make it all come undone.

I don't know what hell you've been through,
I'm not sure how many days,
You've endured loneliness and neglect

You could have reached out.
Instead, you decided.
Living was just a game,
And completely took everyone by storm.

And I'm not sure why
You took your own life.

I'll question it 'til the end of time.

You've had so much going for you.
But in your eyes, there was nothing left to live for

Why you couldn't speak up,
Before it was too late...

Why you didn't tell anyone,
And only gave us a short moment's notice.
Before you pulled that trigger

How was it logical,
Perfectly normal,
For you to think
You'll leave this world today?

...Now all we have,
Are the memories and the image of
What we once knew how you used to be

Lay the first strike
Because you just
Want to cause a scene

Once so gentle, serene
You kept taking my
Energy  

Taking all the weight
Pushing on my shoulders
You kept on crushing
Me

I don’t know who
Gets to suffer worst

Because I'm out of breath
And I'm nowhere near first

And where are you?
You’re nowhere to be seen

You’re hiding,
Complacent, living like

Everyone owns you
Every explanation

Even if you
Never gave them  
Anything in return

Simmer down,
Because karma’s  
Gonna get you first

Treat people without  
their worth

And they’ll be the ones
To leave you first

So lay the first strike,
I don’t wanna hear  
Any of it  

You’ve taken my energy,
But not everything
Is gone,  
and ripped in pieces

Simmer down
Because karma’s
A silent enemy,
That doesn’t
Give up, no.

I haven’t given up,
But the energy inside me
has dimmed over time.

Life has swallowed me whole,
And I’m caught in the tide of a
never-ending spiral,
Drowning at every word.

Will I make it out of
this storm, or be carried away
by the waters, no sign of life
and screams left unheard?

I’m content with suffering,
but this emptiness inside me,
persists without warning.

I forgot how to feel,
Forgot how to smile,

The last time I felt
something,

I haven’t felt that
way in a while.

And so life
reminds me,

That no matter
what I do, or where
I go,

My problems always
follow me, even when
I’m alone.

I haven’t given up,
And I haven’t broken
down,

But I know my
problems won’t go away
until I’m six feet underground.

Here we go again.

Another poem focused
on the past, focused on
sins.

Another stanza of a
pain so deep inside,
that there’s no way out
from within.

Days go by and it never left,
Depression, obsession, and
a little possession,

It’s demonic,
and not right.

But suffering
never ends.

Breathe. Inhale. Live. Die.

Smoke and mirrors,
all the time.

Here we go again.

Another poem,
another line,

Written and signed

By the artist who lost
the will to live and survive.

I’ve given myself
A million little reasons
Why  

I don’t deserve
The comfort, but
Not a day goes
By

I wish I was  
In your arms
Again.

I’ve given myself,
A million little reasons

Just to avoid the  
Rising tide

Emotional chemicals,
Mixing, sending my soul  
In overdrive.

Overwhelmed, and  
realized tortured  
Soul,

Hoping my heart
Can learn to love
Amid this lull.  

I’ve given myself,
A million little reasons
Why  

But there’s something
About you that makes
Me want to  

Try.

that's enough

i just want to
see you run

visions of you
haunt

and i keep running
into this curse

so vague,
so much pain

it juts gets
so much worse

holding our
memories
in vain

i'm left,
stuck in
the rain

and my heart
now breaks

swept, carried
away

into the ground
where you won't
see me again

that's enough

i've had enough
of the worst

so vague,
just
stay away

holding your memories
holding my pain.
i'm throwing it back.

it's yours to claim.

They say the
grass is greener
on the other side

I tried to cross that
line and all I see
is my life in disarray.

Nothing matters
anyway,

For all I know,
misery is here
to stay.

I tried to find
beauty in
negative spaces

But it's the
same story,
same face.

Not a real trace,
a glimmer of
hope,

Just stuck
in this state
of decay,

A poor, mental
state.

Nobody listens,
no matter what
I'm told,

Everyone is in
it for themselves

They don't care
if I fall.

Is there a future left
for me?

Or will I spend
the rest of my life
losing it all?

God knows I've tried
to give my all.

All I wanted was to
find love, but every
brush with reality

turned into a shattered
dream.

I ask myself why
do I even try,

When I end up
searching for love,

I just get myself
hurt every time.

I keep wondering why
I even try at all.

I remember the pain
Of heartbreak under
My sleeve,

a year of turmoil,
that leaves me
wondering

If I will find love
at all.

There were lessons
I have learned, and

God knows I've tried
to give my all.

All I can say is:

I'm trying my best to
stay strong.

The cold air
sends shivers
down my spine

The ghost of
yesterday,

Haunting me
again.

Every day passing,
feels like torture,

And I don’t know
what to do.

Moving on should
be easy, but

It’s hard to see
My life without you.

I know
Nothing last forever,

And it’s hard to sever
the ties of the past,

When I’m still not
over you.

One year since your passing,
I didn't know I still wasn't ready to say goodbye.

Unlike the other lives lost in years past,
Yours cut me deeper than the rest.

Like watching an older version of myself,
Carry out a wish I could never fully attempt,
It left me mortified, scared I may follow in your footsteps.

Months later, dreams came and went.
I'd often wake up, wondering why I'd envision myself
Jumping off the Eads Bridge.

I never thought I'd be having these thoughts again.

They say history repeats itself.
But I promise you: I won't repeat the same mistakes.
I won't become a part of the past.

Let’s go to war
and fight with our
hearts and minds

Let’s start a battle
and crash into the sun.
One more time.

Let’s watch the tensions
lessen, a cause and effect,
directing us to chaos,
never teaching us a lesson.

Let’s watch the bombs rain
down and the feelings
dwell, unable to spell out
what we want to say,

Only lashing out,
hurting everyone,
just like yesterday.

An explosion of emotions,
An attack on the heart,
Cause and effect and
Doomed from the start,

We are the catalyst to
the problem we created
together and apart.

Almost a year later,
I still wish I
hadn't lost my focus.

I let the
Lens focus
on the wrong things,

In the wrong places,
And it’s all just a
mess.

An accidental shutter,
Now the picture's
faded, and

It's hard for me to
discover what life’s
meant to be

When it’s just me

Out in this vast,
dark world,
feeling lonely.

Burning out,
Just like a dying star,

Feeling temporary,
I'm barely
holding on.

Just being alive
doesn’t feel alright.

Feeling out of place
and overexposed,

Just like the
Polaroid on my chest.

Looking at the smiles,
A bittersweet moment,

A moment in which
I hope I don’t regress.

I know it’s hard to progress,

And I know I just need
to convince myself and
trust the process.

I know this won’t
last forever.

Photos capture
moments,
And I must remember

This isn't the end
of my chapter.

The world moves forward,
and moments last forever,
and hurt is only temporary.

Build up those walls
No one's gonna
Break 'em down

You'll do just fine
By yourself

You were so preoccupied
That you failed to see
The enemy inside

It's like the lights
Simply went out
And you blacked out

You bit the hand
That fed you

You lit a match
And burned it
All down to the ground

When the smoke cleared
You soon found out
It was more you
Could handle

And you broke
All the way down

So build up those walls

You'll do just fine,
Breaking them down.

When it's all over with,
No one's gonna be around.

Rose-tinted lenses
Have you lost your senses?

Watching on
projector lenses

Memories,
once vivid and clear

Now muddled,
from years

Of damage done

You lost your senses
This time around.

But you’re not
One and done.

Remember when
You convinced yourself

To live in the now?

(Here is now,
Now is never tomorrow)

But life threw you down,
And consequences lead to reality

You ended up stuck
in the past year

Lured in by promises
That allured to failures

(Forgive yourself for once
And be your own savior)

You feel the
tensions surround,
And you’re backed
In a corner

Your eyes see red,
The lights go out,
Another page-turner.

Welcome to the start
Of a world war
Never won

You come to and
Hide in the battlefield
Afraid to say your goodbyes

Afraid to ****, or be killed
Once protected, now vulnerable

And still
Your heart grows cold,
Hard like steel.

You want to claw
Out of the trenches
But you’re too scared
To lose.

But you know,
In order to outrun your demons,
You’ve gotta outrun them, too.

When I woke up,
From this fever dream
It still felt like yesterday.

Drinking coffee,
Looking up to the sky

And smoking
happy little cigarettes

You still haunt me,

It’s true.

Maybe one day,
I’ll stop living
Under you

Stressed, another ****
Summertime vibes, and
I’m feeling low.

I don’t know
What to do.

Maybe one day,
I’ll stop living
Under you.

I can’t tell,
What’s up
From down

And the people
Around
don’t understand
Or how it’s come to

There are days,
Where I feel numb

And there are days,
When I feel alone

I hope one day,
I’ll get out
From under you.

losing a significant other
is like someone
losing their own life

you separate from
mind, body, and soul

Nobody helps you,
And it's like being stuck
in permafrost

Your spirit ends up lost,
Clinging to nobody
And you grow
weary and tired

Because you're sick
of the same old story.

It's like going through
the five stages of grief

But it's never in order, completely.

There's denial,
Anger and bargaining
with yourself.

Convincing yourself
And others,
That it's alright

But alone,
you suffer in silence
And are at one with
depression.

After some semblance,
Life lessons, trials and
tribulations, you desire
hope and acceptance

But today isn't your day,
And the chain of emotions sway.

Just like the pendulum on a
grandfather clock

You swing back and forth,
Hoping that time
just stops.

Tell me,
When did
Life get so heavy?

October, fall
Into the cold
Catacombs of winter

A tumultuous spring
That lead to
A searing summer

Seems everything
Around me is on fire

And I'm waiting
For someone
To douse the flames

And shake me
From this fever

I wonder
When the tides
Will change

Because I don't
Know how much
I can take

When I'm only living
Just to survive

It's like someone hit pause
And now I'm on life support,
Barely alive.

the water’s rising,
and there's nowhere
left to run

an emotional tidal
wave that destroys
everything it touches,

and I’m trying to
make it out alive.

but I’m tethered
to the past, and

it’s holding me down
again this time.

head above water,
it feels like I'm digging
my own grave

swept out, at last,
and lost in the tide.

the walls have come
down, and I'm

fighting to
swim my way
out, trying to survive.

no one left to love,
no one left to trust,

just swept up in the
flood of heartbreak and pain,
that always self-destructs.

Life's greatest mysteries
Are hard to understand.
Some question life after death,
Others question the past.

The greatest mystery to me
One I can't wrap my head around,
Is how you fell in love with me.

I'm impossible and stubborn.
You're understanding and patient.

I'm self-destructive and tear myself down.
And when I'm near my breaking point and falling apart,
Somehow you're always there
To pick up the pieces and put me back together.

You see right through the walls,
The walls I built around myself.

You look past my flaws when I can't look past them myself.
You tell me I'm perfect just the way I am,
When all I see is a monster hiding underneath.

I don't know how someone like you met someone like me.

And I'm grateful that you've given me a chance to be with you.

Because of you:
You gave me a reason to believe.
You gave me a reason to fight,
and to conquer my demons.
You gave me a reason to exist,
When I didn't want to live anymore.

If love is the greatest mystery,
I don't want to question anything else.
I'll spend a lifetime decoding
The messages to spend a lifetime with you.