Adorned with light
****** to this bleak existence
Aware of self serving secrets
My muse, my god, my love

Cast away these shadows
Omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent
May you watch over me until we can be together again
Everlasting love; it never fades

Help me to be strong as I wait to join you again
Only time and space divide our union
Masks off, truths told, hand in hand we walk
Eternal love; it lasts forever

i look for you
everywhere i go
bread crumb trails
marked trees
i just want to find the path
leading back to you

everything lay broken
a shattered specimen
civilization now in ruins
when whole becomes hyperbole

it started so clean
pure love
keystrokes
digital foreplay
separated by a decade
rebooted without hesitation

soiled with time
mistakes and lies
yet we couldn't let go
something so real
only comes once
even though it may circle back around

insert body here

it was not you
that told me to
that wanted me to

but i did
i let you go
simultaneously seizing you

you belong to me
and i
well i
belong to the abyss

once upon a time
i gave myself to you

whole heartedly
like the hearth to a cold room
an incessant addition
to an empty craving space

crazed by desire
inspired by devotion
alone within ourselves

and i digress
only to weep
endless puddles of hope
empty holes of common space

my eyes burn
vision blurs
you know its' at its worst
when your hope is for tears

pull (pool) back the waterworks
spare the salty sea
mimic the madness
otherwise
you're falling to fate

i bide time
reproach destiny
(ir)rationally regress

something that should have never been
the fallacy that is not reality
takes hold

my throat is bruising
as i gasp for air
suffocation struggles

and then
well then
i realize
suffocation doesn't seem so shabby

the perfection of peace perceived through peril

freedom is like my ears
it rings
like a ******* headache

can we really make this work?

smoke one thousand cigarettes
sleep one hundred hours
act like **** for all the times

and still love one another?

is that what it really is?
this thing they speak of
the undying
the eternal

can we?
just you and i
mere mortals

our lives slipping away
some faster than others
but always looming
you're not a robot
and i
well i never wanted to be
but it doesnt mean i still dont fear death
even though im always waiting for it
its always looming
its forever been my shadow

can we continue on this way?
for eternity
infinity
lord father god

we pray (prey) on
full disclosure
and the tells (and tales)
of each

we take pleasure
and solace
and grief
and guilt
and home (comfort)

in knowing all the things
every
single
thing
do me a favor?
tell me them all again

and this time
i promise to write them all down
im so afraid to forget
and apart of me knows i never will
but the rest of me remembers i can't not
and that is my greatest fear

can we keep writing forever?
line upon line
because we know (and rejoice)
knowing that others read them
and take pleasure in them
but what we get off on the most
is writing them for each other

can we always feel this way?
despite locations
distances
abilities to breathe
and desire

can we please promise?
to one day rest together
the only sure promise
i will ever ask of you

forget the truths
and the honesty
and the lies
mostly forget the demise

can we please remember?
the time in our hearts
individually
where the thought of one another
the feeling of our love
made each other
so anxious
so happy
so nervous

when our love was at its best?

first date nuts
tents
camping
adventures
spit wars
feet washes
sunsets
sun rises
sun baths
sun gazes
all things sun
star trek
star wars
star gazing
all things stars
big spoons
little spoons
spoons all the times
crooks
nooks
*****
skitts
triangles
kiddens
stomachs
Picket­t
wildflowers

the list will never end
it can never end

but mostly
i miss your voice
and your touch
your kiss
caress
the grin that has made me weak
weak for fifteen years

so i just ask
can we, please?

if just one more time.

the first love is the deepest

and if it comes and goes
its retribution

because
when you feel it
you fcking feel it

its like the first cut
or scrape
burn
and singe

and the second
it feels like the first doesnt matter

its like a bandaid
for the first

because
when you realize
how
much
it
mattered(s)

then you would
if you could
rip off the bandaid
the first (the only)
rebreak the bone
relive the heartbeark

over
and over
and over and over

if because what was given to you
what you really wanted

which was the first (the last)

but then you realize
the longing in your heart
the void that always exist
like when the shore craves the tide

even though

even though every single time
day in and day out
the tide drowns the shore

and the shore will never get enough
because without the drowning
it's never complete
that's the true cycle

abrasive drowning
coupled with an infinite longing

the shore cries out for the tide
every day
as it becomes dry
and lonely
and
and
and
and weak
and well
the shore knows nothing else
she wants to know nothing else

she calls out for the tide

and if he doesn't return
shes incomplete

and if she stays incomplete for too long..

well
let us all hope that doesn't happen

because
if it does

well

it signals the world is over.

the most sickening of feels

when you want to write all the words
but its hard to write any

my mind races
but
the pen gushes
the keys stick
the paper is soggy
the interwebz is broke
my notebook is lost

i want to numb myself
all the ways

but i cant
not i wont
let my vices dictate me
because they have for so long
the ones we shared
and look where we ended up

now my muse
isn't even here to admire the work

the words
the lines
the stanzas
the verses

all written for him, and only him

will be unread by his eyes

i hold you in my hands
i twirl you between my fingers
long and slender
on fire

i inhale you
i blow you out
invisible upon first encounter
but a smokey exit

sometimes i am clumsy
and i forget to tap you
into the ashtray
around which my life has formed

as the ash rolls off
i anxiously attempt to gather
then i remember
that you are no longer

no longer a solid being
but instead
a fragile reminder

something i can not contain
but really
i never could

and yet

i cant stop myself
from trying
again and again

to gather you up

to make you whole again

i still sit here
smoking you
and wondering

will you come home first

or will i force my homecoming