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humdrum Nov 2017
i'm afraid of being
burned alive
i'm afraid of eating
something poisonous
i'm afraid of the dark
and what i can't
see in it
i'm afraid of the light
and the people i've
met under it
i do not live in fear
but fear lives
in me
i am not entirely
in control
but that's not to
say anyone else is
humdrum Mar 2017
i've been breathing deeper,
caring more, loving harder,
smiling for the sake of smiling.
i've been losing sleep,
crying when you're not around,
getting high to block it all out.
i've been realizing this isn't easy.
exhausted after eight hours of sleep
spent in nightmares of lone times,
days spent fighting fatigue brought
on by the thought of your skin on
hers.
*if i could tell you i would
humdrum Jun 2018
the nights alone
and the days with you
are starting to
blend together
i'm trying to find the line
between getting lost in
my mind
and getting lost in
your babbling
i could listen to you
for hours but
can't stand ten minutes
with myself
you make me so happy
and i want to die
humdrum May 2016
i chew my cheeks when
i'm nervous and lately
they've been raw
i feel like a train wreck
in progress and everybody's
just stopped for the show
the help i need is so close and
if i had a voice i'd use it but
**** it, it gets so hard to
talk through the voices
of the people in front
of me and the ones
between my ears
humdrum Sep 2017
when i was younger
i expected to be an adult
by now but mostly
i still feel like a
scared kid
14 wanting to be 16
16 wanting to be 18
19 wanting to be
anything else
everything seemed easier
when it was years away
but now i'm caught in
the middle of my mess
wishing i would have
seen it coming
humdrum Feb 2018
chewing on barbed wire
falling up the stairs
running out of milk before cereal
wet shoelaces
my dead car battery
spiders in the bed
humdrum Oct 2018
love has left me afraid
barbed wire voices lined with poison lies
nights invested in neglect
realizing monsters are only scared of
apologies
i was happy
for a day
humdrum Jul 2017
i woke up today and
i don't love you anymore
your place is not in my heart
your memories are not in my mind
your scent is no longer in my sheets
i woke up today and
being alone felt natural
being alone was motivation
being alone got me out of bed
my life is my own
finally
humdrum May 2016
i think my body is
falling apart and i
know it doesn't have
to but it's so hard to
help yourself when
everyone else needs
your help more
humdrum Feb 2016
my aunts and uncles used to
joke about how the boys will be
"all over me" one day and i would
laugh
i wish they had been wrong

the men never stopped coming and
taking and leaving
i was never asked if i was willing to
give

i sifted for love through broken glass and
rusty nails
i ran over the burning coals of heartbreak
stripped of my socks and shoes

no one helped to heal my wounds or
mend my heart
self-soothing became routine and i wasn't
one to break cycle

finding solace in the arms of the shell of a once
gentle soul
too-tight grips and apologies soon replaced his
compassion

i watched as the man of my dreams became
a monster i couldn't bear to see
i'll save you if you save me
humdrum Feb 2016
we learned to move fast
because time is fleeting
and nothing lasts forever
but now all we have is
time with nothing to fill it
boredom has become a
cage for us to simmer and
agonize and harrow in and
*i am not in love with you
humdrum Aug 2017
everyday interactions seem
pointless to upkeep
relationships fall apart
because i no longer
feel the need to
empathize
i don't have the capacity to
carry your problems
and mine
humdrum Mar 2017
i am learning to live without the love
i thought i'd never have to and
it's only gotten harder.
but, this morning, i got out of bed,
and i did the same yesterday,
and i'll do the same tomorrow.
the hurt i feel will break me
and i will still be standing after.
you will leave
and i will go on.
humdrum May 2016
i've been burned
so many times i still
feel the heat in my bones
but i'm staring into your
eyes and i'm starting to think
hell isn't so hot
humdrum Nov 2017
my life,
twenty years bearing
my heart to those who
would repudiate
me as soon as
the chance
surfaced
i wonder if you think
of me
and then i stop wondering
about you
i can no longer love anyone
else more than i
love myself
humdrum Oct 2018
i thought i had you
so much so that i assumed
i would be lost without you
but i never had you
and now
i can't tell if i'm lost
or if i could ever be lost
when i was never home
in the first place

i wish you would've said something

— The End —