How can I claim to love you with everything in me and it still not be enough
I want a love straight off the pages
For you to look at me  
To see me for everything that I am and that I want to be and that we are
A love you cannot stop thinking about
Gaze longingly at me and know with everything in you
That I am it

Instead I beg, plead with my eyes with my tears with my closeness
I can be ruthless  
Show you the pieces of me I keep secrets with and leave them as gifts at your altar
Hide away the longing to feel burned as your palms near my skin
Concede with bitter acceptance that I do not feel scorched in return

Perhaps it is me that is broken
Want is not enough I need
I want to feel your hum from inside my veins
I need to know you want this too

When I bring myself to peak at night it’s not you I see
I do not crave your skin or smell or feel
I do not need your eyes to translate words you never say
As I run a hand over my own flesh imagining what it’s meant to feel wanted
I remember how you don’t, how you didn’t and how in spite of me knowing this you insist that you do

I have been there before, you know, and it scared me
Enough to push the tightness away giggling as I remind myself this is no hard cover
      That words can’t leave imprints on skin
      That touch doesn’t tingle or buzz or burn
Petrified me in place as I begged for just one more kiss with the slightest shift of my gaze to yours
      Held my breath for your consideration
      Gasped at the slightest touch of you against me
Consumed so much these days you can still hear barely above a whisper me pleading for it

Under the spotlight of this faith you absorbed my exhale and have yet to return even a whisper
My chest remains tight in need of so much more than it back
Thighs spread in surrender leaving only enough space between for you
I wait
Letting the darkness wrap back around like the flip of a switch stealing the last wisps of light within me

There’s something about the bleeding of
a pen through paper and on to
the other side
It gives me
a sense of permanency
Trying hard to stay put
it bleeds for its home

A mother hoping so much
to hold on. Leaves a
mark on their children
A tattoo of trauma
Leaves a mark on your
children

A love so sweet it’s tattoo
permanent mark my skin
with your presence on my
shoulder; permanent
A hope so sweet, I hope it’s
permanent

Bleed through my skin, leave a
splotch like pen to a paper
marking home reminding
you of its permanence

You know
The feels
I feel
The most
Are the feels
That feel
Like you

Sunrise colors deliver my sadness,
Have you noticed what they bring?
Peeking thoughts of labor, love, and leaving
Blur the lines
And show me gods and ghosts and greed

Every tear's a piercing needle
The masochistic indulgence I'm desperate for
Sorrow replacing all need and apprehension
I feel you with me while deprived and alone
Together does not assume company,
it's a notion I can't describe
Whispers say it means I love you,
the moon saying its goodbyes

Teach me something you've never heard of
Watch me blink into a new eye sight
Fuzzy visions yielding promise
making sure you're alright
Falling slowly deeper and deeper
You're the view behind my eyes
First thing in the morning,
last thing at night
Fill my insides with ticklish whispers
Catch my soul holding you right

If I could fold up and package all the things
I do that make you upset I would

I would carefully twist and wrap and bend and
stuff them into a grenade and set it off inside your house

The worst of me is still my best

I sat outside
In the rain for what felt like
Years
And still
No matter how late it got
You did not call

I've sat on countless rooftops with dozens of people staring blankly at stars urging them to teach me something

Despite my pleas it's impossible for them to predict whether or not our little impact will render in this world

And still I haven't been able to understand why my very existence does or does not matter until tonight

On roof tops surrounded by great friends who wouldn't be here without the help of the stars aligning perfectly

The answer seems simple