When I walk in the street I feel like I always have to hold my breath as I pass people.
When I'm in a crowded place I litrally freak out because I always feel like around people something bad happens to me.
Am I weird ??
I look at people sometimes and I'm like how the hell do they get it to always be this happy.
I look at relationships sometimes and I'm like how the **** can u be so inlove with someone and get along.
I look at friends and I'm like they trust each other??
Am I weird?
I sometimes stare at the mirror and then start to cry when I think.
I want something so bad but when its here I don't want it anymore.
Am I weird ?
I'm scared to get attached to someone.
Am I weird?
I don't really think I'm weird or anything I just think I have been dissapointed too much...

Dear little me
I'm sorry
Sorry for all those times you wanted to be happy but scared that something bad will happen.
Sorry for all those times you had to worry about all the things you shouldn't have worried about.
Sorry for all the night you had butterflies in your stomach throat burning tears on your face and having to pretend you fine .

Dear little me
I'm sorry for taking your childhood away having trust issues at a young age .
I'm sorry for all those times you wanted to play but was scared cause you were diffrent.
Sorry for all those times you were scared but no one was there for you .
Sorry for those times you had to sleep on the couch waiting for someone who you didn't know would come back.
Sorry for those times you waited for a shooting star to make one wish but it didn't come.

Dear little me
I'm sorry
But I'm glad cause this has made me what I'am

It all started when I was a little girl.
I trusted everyone execpt the strangers that my mom would warn me about.
But when you walked in you were never stranger I knew you she did too.
But you turned into a monster.
Confused I was left how the hell does a person you supposed to trust end up doing what your mom said the "strangers" would do.
One of this days I remember sitting in my room listening to music you got in closed and I heard I ran to take your bag realised something  in your face it changed it was like you were something else.
It was funny cause her faced changed too my mom.
Confused but ignored it took the bag and went back to my room.
Three minutes after she screams
I ran out to see I so you hitting her kicking as you kicked I so crying.
As she stood up she smiled and said don't worry my girl go back to you room.
Confused I went back to my room.
But I was sitting it all made sense he spit words I hear them she spit I hear them.
She asks he anwers but everytime he does he says thing that are unbearable and she apologises for him.
I thought it was crazy.
Days and days passed he did everyday hit her her skin was torn she looked like a woman that never looked beautiful.
I remember crying so much I started to cry but I didn't wanna show her.


And one day he decides to leave without a reason.
He left us 
                   Broken
                       Wreked
                                 Hateful
                                             Angry
                                            Sad
                ­            Paranoid

He ruined me ...

Know I'm scared to trust anyone since my "friend" became monster

Shhhhh keep quiet I'm trying to think.
Get out of here I'm trying to be nice.
Shut up I'm trying to hold on.
My demons can't drown they know how to swim.
And no mater how much I try getting rid of them they don't go.
It all started with a heartbreak betrayal.
It started with little tears a bit of anger and paranoia.
It grew bigger I ignored and know its destroying me.
I'm losing my mind because of these demons.
I seem to cry every chance I get but they don't drown they just swim around everything gets more complicated.

My demons tell me to hate so much they give me all this bitterness.
I can't look at my wrist because of the scars I have.
Caused by me can't stand the girl I see when I look in the mirror.
Hating on everyone who loves me.
My demons don't trust no body.
Mt demons are horrible I hate them I try to do everything to chase them but its hard.
I Can't drown my demons they know how to swim

Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever going to be fine.
I look at happy people and go like is that real I just don't believe in it.
Dissapointments
Heartbreaks
Betrayal
Lies
Is all I ever got from people.
How do I move on ?
How do I go futher ?
I don't think I will.
I feel a thousand miles from happiness.

I sometimes wanna just open my heart love someone but I can't.
I once gave someone that information of how I felt about them I was left on the cold hard ground.
I'm just lost feeling like its never going to get better.
Tears day after day.
Fake smiles day after day.
Anger is all I carry day after day

There is just this big hole in my soul that seems to get bigger everyday.
And no mater how much I cry.
No mater how much I listen to sad music.
No mater how much I cut myself.
No mater how much I sleep.
It doesn't seem to get filled.

I laugh sometimes but during the laugh I start to cry because I know I'm laughing at my own life its one big joke.
Its a dance that walks a song that speaks.
How does one live a life she hates.
I look at my self in the miRror and say I'm goin be fine but I can see through my eyes I dnt evn mean it.
I just feel a thousand miles from happiness

I cried for days not knowing why sometimes.
I had to fake a smile for weeks.
I had to pretend I was fine for months.
And I had to live for years.

And guess what I'm still here.
Full stronger than ever.
Pshhh I guess I made it.

The cuts on my arms.
The ideas of suicide.
The feeling of being alone.
The fear I had to carry.
The anger I had to hide.
It was all hard but I guess I'm strong.
Cause guess what I made it.

Betrayed by the people who claimed to love you.
Abandoned by people who promised to always be there.
Lied to by people who told you to trust them,and u did.
Heartbroken by people who were supposed to love you.
Pshh all that but I still made it.

Yeah I never thought I would.
No ,
I didn't
Even  it I never imagined coming out so strong.
I now know more.
I now know how to really fight.
And I know between
Love and hate
Happiness and anger
Real and fake
I thought I did but I didn't but because of my experience I learned along the hard road....

Hey guess what I made it!!!

They come and I smile and suddenly I remember I'm breaking the rules so I chase them away and close the door deep think about all the bad things in my life play deppresing music.
What can I say I'm addicted to pain.
Why can't I be when everytime I try and be happy something bad suddenly happens.
How can I be happy when I get low from people I expected the highest from.
Sometimes I just sit stare at a blank space and think back and wishing I could change my past.
But I can't and because of that I'm slowly losing my mind and no one is noticing.

Depressed sitting just thinking of ways to get more sad.
Sitting thinking of ways I can cry.
Sitting thinking of ways to hurt myself cause I hate myself I hate the way I'm.
My heart has been broken soo many times its useless.
I mean really what do you do with a heart you can't feel who do you give it to how do you live with it ?
I guess its they right if they say we all addicted to something and I guess my addiction is pain...

Next to the window I sit look at the stars I think about you.
I stand next to the door and I hear your knock.
I sleep in my bed I feel you breathing in my neck.
I stand a the kitchen and I sense you next to the stove cooking.
As I see the dishes I hear you yelling at me .
But you not there its just all in my head.
I miss you...

I'm not bitter no I'm not I'm mad as hell.
Mad for all those tears you caused. Mad for all the times I couldn't be happy because of you.
Mad of all the times I had fear because of you.
Mad for all those times I couldn't be free because of you .
Mad for all those times I had to sacrifice happiness by force.

You know everytime I see you I feel rage running rampage through out my veins.
I remember my hands hitting against the wall my nails gripping the sheets my breath closing my eyes closing with tears my teeth biting my lip my throat burning .
After that I would feel ***** I would wash five times a day but still feel ***** cause what you caused didn't only destroy me physicaly it destroyed me inside and no mater what I do with the outside the inside can not be washed with soap  its broken and it can't be fixed up that easily no mater how many surgeries you take.

Every morning I wake up looking at you and asking myself how you sleep at night knowing you destroyed a little girl .
Knowing you killed something that was in a girl so beautiful and turned it something ugly.

You ruined me destroyed me and left me there know I'm left on my on to fix up the mess.

But no I'm not bitter I'm Mad as hEll...

I look in the mirror sometimes and I'm scared I look in my eyes and I become scared so much hate.
I'm like a ticking bom waiting to blow out and every one will realise she time was moving but it will be too late.
Everyone is going to see she was crying everyday.
Everyone is going to see that pain is all she has been carrying all the way.

I have been sick the whole not really sick but emotionally sick mentally and physically.
Crying everyday sleeping every minute depressed the whole time sitting lonely.
I love the darkness.
When I'm the I have happiness.
I know its weird but its been a place I can be.

I'm that girl that is afraid to fall inlove cause she has been hurt.
I'm that girl who can't trust anyone cause she has been dissapointed.
I'm that girl that once shared my weaknesess with someone and the they used it against me.

I'm that girl that smiles while she is hurting inside.
I'm that girl that hates to be happy.
I'm that girl who always tries to stand out but can't.
I'm that girl that stays in the dark when the sky is painted blue.
I'm that girl that thinks of ways to end her life.
I'm that girl crying everyday.
I'm that girl who wonders if she is ever goin to have peace.

Yah I'm that girl sitting next to you...

Listen here !
Yeah you!
You that is talking about a woman as a spare wheel.
You beating your wife everyday just to prove you're a man.
You cheating on your wife with younger girls saying its a lifestyle.
Listen here fool!!
You got out from a woman 's  womb you have no right to disrespect one.
You think you're  man cause you have a spare wheel.
You think you're a man cause you strong enough to make a woman feel worthless.
Let me tell you something you nothing put a usseles ******* with a tail between the legs .
That's not what I take as a man...

In this lonely hour I need no one else but you.
This other voices just don't cut through.
Its like they talking another language I don't understand.
When I meet with you I always know where I stand.
A sweet loving person that I know loves me no doubt .
In this lonely hour I need you everyone can get out!

Cause there is only one person I need in this lonely hour I need you...

One day I fell inlove with someone.
Hunny brown skin taller than me unique hair great smile and great personality I was sure he was the one.
As he held me I felt like he would never let me go.
As he kissed me I felt like I would never feel low.

And then one day he got bored and then got a new me.
I thought I was special but no I wasn't and I couldn't see.
Until I saw it in his eyes that there was another one.
I felt in my veins that there is someone .
Asked him and he would deny everything.
People knew so I started being a joke out of all things.

And quickly love turned into war.

Time goes much slower when you missing someone.
I just want to lay by your side next to you and make sure you are alright take care of you.
When I'm away from you I can't stop thinking about you I carry you in my spirit.
And I'm getting sick of this lonely air it seems such a waste of breath.
In this lonely hour I need you to give me comfort and love me through.
I wanna feel your heartbeat your hands while holding me.
Baby I'm just scared we both sad and we don't do anything and things will slowly fall apart.
Sometimes I look back at memories and wish I could change the past.
Tell you I love you more kiss you longer hold you tighter...
I'm sorry but I can't help thinking about you truth is ...
I really really miss you.

Everyone looks at me and they judge me but I don't blame them they won't understand.
I was innocent girl believed in christmas father believed in fairies belived in love and trusted everyone .
But someone took it all away and it was too soon for me.
It was a night as any other night I looked out my window so the stars and smiled.
Switched the light of hugged my teddy bear and closed my eyes.
As I was about to come to the middle of my sleep.
The door opened I was scared thought it was a monster...
Yes it was a monster but it was a human being acting like a monster his hand on my little lips . His whole body between my tiny hips he thought they were big enough for him to fit.
Worst pain I have ever felt and the more he seemed to pump it got worse .
Tears on my face throat burning I couldn't breath.
As the "monster" walked out of the room everytime .
He would leave me broken than I was before.
From that day the world seemed different not save .
Cause oneday the monster 's mask fell out and I realised that this was not a real monster it was a man that was supposed to love me and take care of me.
But he thought wreking me everyday was right.
And guess what the woman that carried me for nine months knew about this but she turned the other cheeck.
So tell me how can I stop being so paranoid when the world just showed me how people can decieve you people you love.
The man that was supposed to take my mom as his didn't feel she was enough so he destroyed a innocent soul.
And my mom couldn't imagine herself squeezing the pilllow so she pretended not to see it.
Know you know the story
Behind my bitternes
Behind my anger
Behind my sadness
Behind  my paranoia
When that man broke me he took my innocence .