i do not stray
from the new things
coming my way

. . .

press my lips on your forehead
softly, gently, slowly
taking my time
as if the longer i took to leave you with a kiss
meant the more i'd know about what you're thinking

like the meeting
of my lips
with your warm forehead
would mean our connection would be deeper,
would mean i could understand you more,
would mean i could show you love in an alternative way
than just spinning passion 'round and 'round
in my mind

thoughts like kisses
building up, up, up
until the ******

crash into me
just like the foamy sea water
hits the golden brown sand
of beach street.
loud,
crashing waves
reaching up, up, up the shoreline

i think it will almost touch me,
yet it does not

but the sea makes itself known
to all those who pass by
big, beautiful, blue body of water
hard to ignore

i want to know you as deeply
as that ocean,
further than just the shore's surface

deep, deep, deep
into the depths of the sea
complex and mysterious
an unknown phenomenon
i want to delve into entirely

i don't care anymore
in the best way possible

conformity

tells you and me how to live,
how not to live

stresses, pressures, "is this right?"

you're being forced to live
inauthentically
and it is killing your soul

society tears, shreds, devours your identity
spitting it out into a weakened mass

you're forced to pick up the pieces
to create a new reality
never knowing the best way how to,
always being told what's right vs what's wrong

"do this!
do that!
if you don't do it how we do it, you won't matter!"

how to create from this ******* disaster?

taught there's only one way
to E X I S T

when in ******* fact there are infinite ways to exist

. . . so

i don't care anymore
and in the best way possible

i am not trying to be the best
i am not trying to conquer the rest

i am trying to be Me

Myself

A U T H E N T I C A L L Y

so **** your norms
**** your yes / no/ right / wrongs
**** your boxes
**** your compartmentalism

i am me
i am myself

and that is good and right enough

when i was younger
i used to wish i could disappear
to drop off the face of the planet

now sometimes i feel like that, too
except, its less about
wanting to die,
and more about

spending time with just my Self

where to begin

there is so much ******* pain
lined up inside me
like layers of skin
i have layers of pain

so much unsorted trauma
lying in my chest, mind, heart
my soul
it aches for growth, but
i am still figuring out the trauma part

i am not who i am born into
i am not the things that have happened to me
i am not the people who have hurt me

i am Me
i am my Self
I am Grace
i am strong

i have been hurt
but the weight of the pain has become
too heavy to drag around
i must dump the body

the body of trauma that lay inside me
fare ******* well

i am not required to forgive you
and for now i cannot
for you have sinned much more,
far, far, far more than forgiveness could erase

ten fold
i hope the horrible
terrible
evil
things you’ve committed

i hope they come down raining
ten fold
on your stupid ******* head
since you don’t get the picture

and here i will sit
while you writhe in suffering
disowning your evilness
rather than facing it head on
swords up
cutting through the thick disgust

but you ******* cower
like the ******* you are
you feel no remorse
you find pleasure in the pain of others
and for that
let bygones be bygones

i trust.
for your troubles are out of my hands
the things you’ve done to me
they are out of my hands
i will try to forgive,
oh but i will never ******* forget

i fill my hands with what i deserve
i fill my hands with love
i fill my hands with abundance
i fill my hands with peace

i let you go now
you no longer have a place in my life
holding on much longer will not suffice

i've gone through people like i've gone through tissues
the tissues i used to wipe my tears from being in places
the places i shouldn't have been but went to anyway

i have so many issues
like tissues, but without the 't'
i file them away for later
just like my mom's stacks of unfiled bills
i have stacks of unfiled emotions

each one needs a place
a place to settle and be safe

buried

but not buried in the sense that it is dead,
without purpose

buried like

i have had them for long enough
they have served their purpose for me

now i lay you to rest