angels fall like fireworks
sizzling
crackling-divinity
sparking on skin-burning
brightly
as i held him tightly
as i held him as if i’d die if he would let go

he let go

and i fell, falling like a shooting star
silently screaming as my splayed heart strangely kept beating
“i love you, aziraphale and all that you are” and my love looked down
and i saw him weep
(for me
for me!
Because of me)
i saw the tears from all his eyes run down his face into the sky
as he told me “you and i, all that we are, i will find you again no matter how far
away you land
a thud on the sand
a splash in the sea
i’ll find you again
please!
wait for me”

i fell and angels all around me screamed out their dying cries
i fell and thought the fire all around me was surely nothing but lies
i fell and saw all around me it was better to be ignorant than wise
i fell and the stars all around me fell too, falling through the skies

i fell but i could not stop watching his eyes
those endlessly seeing
Throughout all my being
brilliantly ****** eyes

and i thought to myself
what else
could i possibly want to see
then his eyes crying for me
why would i want to see my life without him
a life with no hand in mine
a life spent twisting my spine
a life with wings bound in twine
a life with no sign of the Divine

oh MOTHER
why would you do this
why must you cast me away
i’d beg and i’d barter
(don’t make me a martyr!)
anything for a chance to stay

oh mother doesn’t listen
oh mother doesn’t care
oh mother i cry out; my tears glisten
oh mother are you there?

no one is there and i’m all alone and sometimes i wish i was made of stone
or better yet,
a galaxy
-brilliant and bold-
no pain to be had, no story to be told
just light all round me
light from the burning, turning sun

the sun, the sun it glows so bright
it feels warm, like a hug from him (so tight!)
so golden, so glittering
so molten, so obliterating
so like his countless tears

what is there for me to look for?
what is there for me to find?
the battle is over; they won the war
and i'm lost to him for all of time

oh sun please don’t listen
oh sun please don’t care
i cry out as my tears glisten
oh sun please just be there

burn my eyes black and haunted
burn them like these wings, undaunted
by the tar upon them

destroy my eyes so completely
so the only thing that can run so fleetly
through my mind is his eyes weeping so sweetly
as She casts me out and the kingdom is restored so neatly

burn them black, i tell you
burn them like i fell, oh hell, you!
burn them crisp, oh i smell you!
oh sun, you lovely ball of fire
grant me this, my one desire
make me blind so all i see
is him
weeping for me

…

it did not work
sun, you failed me

they are not black and haunted
they are not blind and bleeding
they are sickly, ickly yellow
and somehow always needing
to see him again

Unable to perceive the shape of you,
I find you all around me

Here you are in the wind
That buffets and curls around me
Fingers composed of gusts
Brush a lock of hair this way
Then that way
Then this way again

I chuckle
I laugh
I wonder if it’s you making me how you want me

I discover you in my bed
In the softness of clean-smelling sheets
Would your fingers dance across my shoulders like my sheet as I toss and turn?
It’s your legs tangling around mine

I close my eyes

It’s your legs tangling around mine
Keeping me close
Keeping me with you
In this bed

It’s your legs tangling around mine
Not the quilt twisted around my feet like shackles made of cotton and embroidery thread

I still
I shudder
I shiver
Is that you I feel pressed against my back?

I find you in the accidental embrace of a pillow
Reflecting my own heat back like a heated touch
I find your exhaling breath landing warm behind my ear
In the whisper of wind that creeps through my window

I don’t look for the shape of you
I find you all around me

a kiss sounds a bit messy
too much saliva
the taste of breath

it’s the after-the-kiss that i like
(the before is good too)
but the after

oh

the closeness
the intimacy
the sweetness of it

nuzzles and breathless laughs and endless smiles
two people tucked so perfectly
into the gentle hollows of each other

i want it
i want to be breathless with you
noses touching
fingers brushing
two people loving

hands shake a little
tremors in the wrist
as my fingers touch
you, light as a summer mist

the feeling fills me full
this sensation of bliss
it’s so good, so very good
this lovely after-the-kiss

i would close my eyes
to just breathe you in

the points of contact:
(where i feel you)
nose
fingers
arm
waist
knees

where i feel my pulse:
(it’s everywhere, like the scent of you)
behind both ears
left side of my neck
right wrist near veins
inner right knee
arch of my left foot
under my jaw

too many places

am i dying

that feels like a possible outcome

i’ll die happy
ecstatic
in love
terrified
content
safe
and sound

so many things i feel
so many things to list
there is so much, almost
too much, about
this lovely after-the-kiss

I want someone who,
When I say

I’m useless.
I shouldn’t be alive!
Why not **** myself?

To say

I’d miss you

Words on a page
Put me in a daze
Put me in a trance
It's a solemn sort of dance

Aye my life is a solemn sort of moment
My night is of a solemn sort
A solemn sort?
A sort that is solemn

What does solemn mean?
Can you give an example
Sure! the child was solemn
Before he got trampled

Oh God no! One less horrific
But a solemn child is horrifying
Now isn’t that terrific?

No, it’s not at all!
Who are you to say what’s not?
After all, what have you been taught?
I’ll tell you what-absolutely naught!

I’ve been taught!
Yes taught by me
You are just a piece
Of machinery
A clog in my pain
Clogging up my brain
Making me inebriate
I’m drunk on my thoughts
And I can’t see straight

I can help you!
No you can’t!
I know where your help leads to!
Me drowning in the deep blue
Either of my tears or the ocean
Drowned until I cannot make a motion
Who needs alcohol when you are me?
And you are me, you piece of machinery

The bathrooms in my school
Smell like period blood
And periods spent crying in the stalls

How many girls have wandered these halls
To find comfort in a grey plastic stress room
With all the toilet paper you want
To squeeze like a stress ball

All the wall space you need
To write how you feel
About everything

There are sinks to wash away your tears
And mirrors too blurred and cracked to tell if you’ve cried

No one goes near the last stall
And if you start crying
Everyone will ignore you

As I sit on the scarily warm toilet seat
Staring at the door hinge
And contemplating my poor life choices

There is comfort in knowing so many have walked in my footsteps
Slow painful struggles
Or
Quick furtive escapes
To the bathroom

To be alone

My darkness rises
Slowly and seductively
From a pool of despair
She reaches out a clawed and oozing hand
And her eyes are black as midnight

I turn and hide in you, my love
I hold you as tight as I can
I whisper to you, my love
“Hold me while you can”

You wrap your arms around me
Closer until we are one
All I can see is you
All I smell is you
All I touch is you
All I can hear is your heartbeat
Slow and steady
Not her whispers

I’m scared to let you go
I don’t want to face her again
Because, my love, I know
I might not see you again

Her eyes will pull me closer
Close enough for her hands to drag me down
I will choke and drown on darkness

So don’t let me go
I won’t let you go!
Hold me until I forget why I’m hiding
Tell me when she’s gone