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choke
me out while
you do it so
i can feel something
and also nothing
at all
with your help
i crafted these tears
and thanked you
in relief
for assuring that
part of me is
still made of water

- this is how you know you are still alive
am i unjust for
wanting to feel wanted?
this primal desire we
were born with
left you haunted  
but not me
and i'm not sure but i
don't think i'm the
one that ignites t h a t  fire
i may have spoken too soon or
maybe i didn't say enough
she says it’s “all in my head”
but their expressions are untouched
as i reach for a hand
do i go where I am appreciated
find a safer place to land?
crawl out from this trap that reeks of doubt
somewhere I am heard
without screaming my lungs out
i wish i could create music for when i don't have words
just a chain of delicate melodies to dangle from my neck
rather than redundant apologies
for a hell that keeps me trapped for days
weeks
it's okay
my hell is just another acronym you'll forget by morning
the patriarchy will agree and take your side
of course
of course
and i will continue to smile
help others to distract myself
because that is what i do
silent tears they
drip behind my eyes
leaving puddles in my stomach
whilst my cheeks remain dry
this smile
it seethes with lies
protecting my bones from the inside

you won't see me cry
your name on my tongue still burns in my chest
her voice rings my ears as i'm
counting the ways i can put a love like this to rest
i wonder
if i let you know
just how hard my mind has been working
to tell my heart  "no"
"let go"
would you stick around?  
i found having you here at all
is better than nowhere to be found

- things i wish i could tell you

f.p.
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