It was March 2007,
   An exact decade
The land was barren
   My bare body laid
The air was in drought
   Helplessness rioted and raid
Humanity was in scarcity
   My debt soul sinfully paid
   For its innocence
He was inside me, collecting dues
I was nine, crying and loud
He was forty one, enjoying and proud.

My money ran out,
August 2011.

April 2017
Debts never truly forgotten,
It was after work Saturday when
My debts finally finished paying
A vase left him bleeding

No longer loud and helpless.

-fir.m

this magic spell you cast
is making me see rainbows when i cry
and roses blooming when i bleed

-fir.m

the devil you found in your lover
ruined the angel in your reins
he made you wish life were never  
and made you one with pain;
into one cold heart *******

-fir.m

They say suicide takes us to hell;
Well, I guess I'll be ******
'Cause your presence is fatal
And I am not going anywhere*

-fir.m

All my love were lost on you.
Magnificent are your shades of blue,
My shades of black are beautiful too,
Its all so pretty yet you have no clue.

-fir.m

No one is going to love
  the deepest,
     and the darkest
   Corners of your soul
        like I did.*

-fir.m

"We'll dance with monsters
In the night"
You say with pleasure;
With really blind sight

You told me it is fine
But I think you are too kind
Onto me you have thrown
All your suction of hopes
Cutting down the thorns;
Cutting down the ropes
Ousting this flame
To show me that you came

I am sorry to be saying
But all your love was wasted
As my garden is decaying
Before you could have tasted

What I hold
Is not so very sweet
So I will just be bold
We should've never meet

I failed to be the light
You found in love
I failed to be your pigeon;
I failed to be your dove

And the monsters killed the melodies,
the ones that you dream
Unloved they forever were;
Their sorrows built a stream
A stream where tears shine
And the lost beasts are mine

These silent beasts are now
Just beginning to sound
Mercilessly,
I cried out;
Blatantly,
I have fallen down
And I just can not pick my Happy off the ground

You're building a palace
Where I do not belong
'Cause I have only been taking
The sing from your song
I know that you have
Been very burnt
But every new fire
Is a new lesson learnt

I am Sorry for making
You feel this pain
I am Sorry for putting
Your heart through this flame

Just please do not say
You love me
I might not say it back
Please just stay in intact
And stop all this play;
Forever is not real.

Just really close your eyes
'Cause I do not want you seeing
Throughout my disguise

I am carefully trying
to replace our bodies
For to all my cages and doors,
Are very lost keys

There is something terribly wrong
With our lungs
It is this poison of love  
That we have been breathing in too long
It has fractured our hearts
Turned it really mauve

Made us golden pale
It has destroyed our sail
Shattering our wings
Scattering all the feathers
Like fast demons fly
Through the weary sky

As pretty as you make
this tragedy feels,
Broken and poor
Life is just too blue
To ever truly be
La vie en rose

-fir.m

Oh how my heart grows fond
Oh how it wrecks my every bond

It fails my lungs
It endorses my wrongs
It drowns my heart
Pulling my limps apart

Ohh, how it closes all doors
And so much more

This sickening melancholy
This universal unholy
Attached itself to my brain
Tries to prove myself insane

Oh how it makes me want to go berserk
Puts my mind out of lurk

Ripping all ties to pieces
Figuring it'll bring me to peace

Oh but all it does is spread
All corners of my soul blue or red
Oh how it ruins me
Foregoing all the good I was supposed to be

Oh how this loneliness is addicting
This melancholy is growing
This bittersweet agony
This sweetbitter happy

Is it me?
Or
It is it apart of me?

I wonder
Oh how I wonder

-fir.m

Inseparably attached
Hopelessly apart
Many oceans away
But we carried one heart

The emotions I feel
As I think of you
A smile or a tear
I wonder which is true.

I never touched your hand
Or called your name aloud
Yet I have no doubt
About finding you in a crowd

The words of love you give
And bits of truth you share
Are the only things that help
This distance life's given me to bear

I try to be so strong
But I am brought to my knees
By the miles that separate us
To create our love's complexities

-fir.m

In the morning he feels the weight,
The pounding rhythm of the hour,
Where he starts his day
Having to bear the effects of getting such jumbled thoughts
And mixed vain feelings
Where are the answers to the questions that do not wish to have answers?

Inside the scriptures of mind
No thought is second guessed
The reasons of the rhythm stand true
There is something inside of him that moves
* ~A heart he claims to not have *
  The one that lingers and vibrates
At the bottom of the sea
Aligning with the coral shelves
Worrying about whom he's yet to meet
Whom will figure out
That in his heat lies a soul
In his hell lies a prophet
yet to reach potential
   Having to
Push his door open
And burn the envelop that cages him

But he fears
Letting go of this hatred
Would waken the realization
Of how alone he really is
For that hatred
Is what keeps him from cracking
Is what helps him maintain
His make belief life of dark love
But in actuality
It's just clothing on the lonesome truth
Of his scarred
Made of Steele
Lonely Lion Heart

-fir.m

The Blackness of the heart seems darker
The silver chain wrapped around the neck
Squeezing and slowly draining the pain bitter
Losing breath seems better than feeling wreck
It starts from the feet
Then to the finger tips
The coldness stretches until it meets
The pale and melancholic lips
The lips that left opened
The tongue that ran dry
The skin seems to lost its touch; once cotton
The eyes left hoping for one last try
And the soul...
Maybe it never truly lived.

-fir.m

Oh feel our bodies grow,
And our souls they blend.
Yeah love I hope you know,
How much my heart depends.

Come you masters of war
You that build all the guns
You that build the death planes
You that build all the bombs
You that hide behind walls
You that hide behind desks
I just want you to know
I can see through your masks.

You that never done nothin'
But build to destroy
You play with my world
Like it's your little toy
You put a gun in my hand
And you hide from my eyes
And you turn and run farther
When the fast bullets fly.

Like Judas of old
You lie and deceive
A world war can be won
You want me to believe
But I see through your eyes
And I see through your brain
Like I see through the water
That runs down my drain.

You fasten all the triggers
For the others to fire
Then you set back and watch
When the death count gets higher
You hide in your mansion'
As young people's blood
Flows out of their bodies
And is buried in the mud.

You've thrown the worst fear
That can ever be hurled
Fear to bring children
Into the world
For threatening my baby
Unborn and unnamed
You ain't worth the blood
That runs in your veins.

How much do I know
To talk out of turn
You might say that I'm young
You might say I'm unlearned
But there's one thing I know
Though I'm younger than you
That even Jesus would never
Forgive what you do.

Let me ask you one question
Is your money that good
Will it buy you forgiveness
Do you think that it could
I think you will find
When your death takes its toll
All the money you made
Will never buy back your soul.

And I hope that you die
And your death'll come soon
I will follow your casket
In the pale afternoon
And I'll watch while you're lowered
Down to your deathbed
And I'll stand over your grave
'Til I'm sure that you're dead.

What are we worth?
See the thing is,
      We have none.

-fir.m

Oh darling my heart's on fire  ❤

                      *For you

We sipped our tea
As he sat next to me
Cross-legged on the floor
And he spoke of his youth,
Thrown to the wolves,
As student of the hardship of war.
A war that shaped him and molded him to,
A grateful and God-fearing man
The struggle of a nation burned in his eyes
As he relived his war torn homeland.

Accused and abused he was stolen away,
No justice exists with no law.
He was thrown into prison
But they couldn't cage his faith in freedom
It seemed like endless days and morningless nights,
His family so blind with concern
For the day they would see his return.

The guards laughing in the black of the night as they kicked him and beat him raw,
And the blood and the dirt and the grime of the world and the dark side of man that he saw.
And in the minutes and hours and years that dripped by,
graying away his youth,
As he spent his hours in quiet reminisce of the truth.

He wiped tears from his cheek with the smile on his face,
Brushed the hair back from his daughter's eyes,
His little girl climbed up on to his knees
His words became clear, "After hardship will always come ease".

Oceans apart
Stitched Hearts
Stars unseen
Emotions intervene

Thoughts ignored
Words never bore
Pictures sent
Modesty bent

Her mind knew
Her blood ran blue
Fears adapted
Soul captive

"Release me!" she cries
Send was never pressed, her heart pries
She fears
To her, he becomes dear
And when he is ready to leave
Nothing in her will be ready to believe.

-fir.m

-I just love with profundity  
I swear i'm not ******-*

-fir.m

I try to get a grip of time
But I keep making love to a man that will never be mine
I caress more than his mouth
And he moans without doubt
Timely shadows of ecstatic instruments hit the wall
Until the clock strikes the end of it all..
  
Tobacco candies between my burnt lips
As he brush my many napes with his fingertips
Probably thinking about that girl he has deceived  
And just before he leaves
I Stifle the tears that i'll never be the queen on his deck
And he leans forward to give me a peck
     And nothing more
     After all, as he once said; i'm just his *****...

-fir.m

Being over driven by youthful desires
She fell asleep with her tears on fire
Will she live to tell another tale of heartbreak?
Will she live to see through the fake?
Who knows?
Her heart, unfortunately, grows
Her blood oozing out of her wrists
Her dreams became brutal from being bliss
"Why was I so stupid?" she sleep-talks
"Someone, please pull that trigger!" she sleep-walks

The anxiety for morning to reach died
The thought of a future became pesticide
For the only future she knew was with him..
The blade made love to her from her shoulders down to her limbs
Until there was no more pleasure to escape through her veins, through her skin
She lost... But what did he win?
Nothing but absolute guilt, at her funeral, where he looked above
And only remembered her sweet gesture of; "Give me Love"

-fir.m

My mind wants you to go
But my heart stooped too low
It wants you clenched in the fists of unbidden desires
But your patience slowly expired
You said Goodbye
And in ignorance I ****** my tears dry
I didn't attempt to stop you
You didn't turn around to meet my view

    What was that bittersweet agony?
That buried into my head; your melodies
Your unsought words drowns me in an ocean-less pit...
As I walked the lanes where to you I became whit
I reminisce on the first word you ever said to me
And compared it to the last and undoubtedly
They sounded the same...

   Unsure if you ever did love me at all
I try to **** your memories growing tall
With bursting flames
Seaming through my veins
I dig a grave for your souvenirs
And slowly peer at the dirt; reincarnating my tears
Did i do the right thing?
For the pain of being without, stings
Like snowflakes against zinc

But then what if it is for the better?
Somewhat like an investment letter
Where I forego you for something prettier to come
or not?
Who knows?

-fir.m

Now i'm wearing this smile that i don't believe in
And inside i feel like screaming
     I had options;
     You were my chance to completion
     And when you leaned close to kiss me
     There was drowning melancholy
     But I kissed my fears; instead of you
And now towards me you've grown blue.
Eventually my heart gone sore
And i'm drowning in a water-less floor
It hurts to acknowledge the feelings that I hide
Fearing that destiny would not abide
It's not your fault, i swear
It might just be too hard to bear..
For who would truly love a girl with all these scars?

-fir.m

I basket-ed my wounds
With the sole purpose of still being your friend
But all it did was made me feel swooned
Only hoping that this torture would end
As every second passes by; seeing you with her
My heart aches with profound jealousy
Why can't I stop loving further?
For this pain takes me day by day breathlessly...
Every image of you etches in my mind; sealed
I imagine your words to her being sweeter than wine...
I just wish that the devil was real
So i could purchase your love with mine

-fir.m

The year of the downfall
The year of the broken
The month when every human built walls
The month when returned with pride every token
The week of the undying lust
The week of the of the pardons of the unjust
The day the skyscrapers fell
The day the dirt started to rot
The hour of the broken majestic bell
The hour of your first cut
The moment of truth
The moment of dead roots

Those are nothing,
Nothing,
Compared to
     That moment I lost you.  ~~

-fir.m

Trembling with every thought of him
I ache a love I can never achieve
I hold my emotions captive in this dreadful tin
I mean no harm, I just love, will it **** you to believe?

I’m not trying to take him from you
My heart is red and not blue
He’s something completely out of my reach
His heart is extremely difficult to breach,
you’re the only gifted one here
don’t worry it’s not that difficult to bear
or maybe it just is...

I have but accepted my place
within the zones of friendship
I've only suffered from a fallen grace
and a heart which has been ripped
But who cares about the shattered love
Maybe it’s just the one above
God Almighty,
I shall never doubt thee
For he knows best

Come to think of it,
What have I lost?
Nothing to be exact
It is he who lost something
something real and true;
my love that is.

-fir.m

Sitting on this addictive desk
Staring at the wonders of the world via the internet
From the modesty to the grotesque
It's funny how they all forget
The life outside of this intoxicating bottle of wires
But who am I to complain, for I am one of them
Lost inside these eccentricities that I admire
Wondering, conjecturing all about the beautiful eerie emblem.

What if just one day, one day we all stood and went outside?
Smell the breeze of the isolated air
Feel the earth, the dirt, that we denied
The earth we wear and tear
And yet, the ungrateful spends no time to relish
What we have, inexpensive
But all the care is for the wires; hellish
This is the mysterious truth
Of the brute
Of mankind and their neglect
Of a life that may never resurrect

-fir.m

My beautiful faded fantasy
Together we’ll make them see
How true we can be
How far we can go in our little made up pretty dreams
With love running through our veins
With ecstasy in our names
Together we’ll break and tear
So forget those who doesn't care
For time and patience is all we'll probably ever need

Oh the beautiful faded fantasy
Of made up pretty dreams
That forever we’ll be
In love
For all eternity

-fir.m

I said, "Get over her will you!"
    And after a moment of dreadful silence he replied,
         "She's the monster, but she's my queen"

He loves her,
He keeps on loving her ..
I love him,
I keep on loving him!
She hurts him,
He takes it,
I can't.
The more he holds on to her,
The more his face etches in my heart
I push tears back
Hating her for earning his love

Why doesn't he see the love I have for him .. ?
He just have to look in the mirror and compare eyes ..
The eyes he hold for her
Are the same eyes I hold for him
But he's too blinded to see it
And I'm too weak to say it.

He'll never love me
Why?
Because I'm not her.

-fir.m

Colours in the air
Sparks everywhere
Almost dark
The crimson of the sunset still has its mark
Bewildering every eye that lay upon it
Every heart that keeps the happiness fit
Soon it will be nostalgic
For everything happy or tragic
Always comes to an end.
Sad isn't it.
But which reality is happy?

-fir.m

He approached
She smiled
He spoke
She listened
He held out his hand
She grabbed it
He made promises
She made promises
He smirked
She believed
He took her out
She went with him
He said “I love you”
She meant “I love you too”
He gave her flowers and chocolates
She gave him her heart
He took more than it
She gave it
He enjoyed her
She enjoyed watching him enjoying her
He came often
She loved that
He came seldom
She ignored that
He stopped coming
She stopped smiling

He left her
She left us.

-fir.m

You're* the shell I once kept safe
Now carefully shoved away

You're the song I once loved
Now deleted for it caused boredom

You're the book I once read over and over and over
Now easily packed on the shelf

You're the food I once stored to eat
Now decomposed in the trash long gone to the heap

You're the flower I once nurtured
Now dying without a drought

You're the candle I've always kept lit
Now the flames put out.

You were the one always on my mind
Yet after so much, still on my mind.

-fir.m

Love* is an amazing thing
People just mix up what hurts.
Love is Beautiful
Rejection is sad
Love makes a mortal hopeful
Disappointment makes him mad
Love is supposed to be Truthful
Lying makes the relationship go bad
Thus making the mortal ruthful
And begins placing feelings on a writing pad
Claiming " love is hurtful"
Lies, your words are ******* clad
For love is bliss.

-fir.m

Stifling from the fallen Grace
You've loved,
You've lost.
Unbidden promises,
the ones that annihilated
What was known as love,
What was known as caring,
What was known as selflessness.
But why?
Are they the ones you keep safe
In your ******* soul
Filled with anger,
Frustration.
Those are the promises that is meant to be forgotten,
Yet you hold them captive,
Reasons?
I shall never know..
Will you ever let me know?

-F.M

It's warm.
What is this blissfulness?
"It's me.. You're not alone"
Embedded in the eardrum.
Tears disappeared
By just one glance at that curve on the face
That weird, yet such an euphoric curve
It's called a smile
Strange-
For it made the pain scattered
What is this comfort?  

Soon a smile was made apart of the appearance
Apart of the life
This curve was then around all the corners of the world

But where is the warmth?
The one that was felt in the beginning
It was always felt in thy heart
It was always seen when looked right..
But is no more seen or felt.
Blinked away,
It vanished
And where was thy?
Back in the cold.
The smile, euphoric?
What's that?

-fir.m

Looking at it from 10 inches
Look away
"No, no not again" etched in your mind
Yet the vulnerability of your heart aches for it
Stretching for it ..
Pulling back ..
Leaning forward ..
Turns away..
Grabs it..
It's in your hand..
You smile ..
Your heart pleased
Your mind unease
One,
Two,
Three..
Tears fall uncontrollably
Blood spilling easily
One,
Two,
Three..
Stop?
No..
You smile even wider..
One,
Two,
Three..
Love.
Is the blade sharp enough.. ?

-fir.m

Fascinated by such trivial matters
I look at them in astonishment
I watch their every move
With symphonies embedded in my eardrums.

What does it feel like?
To show?
To care?
To know?
To feel? ..

Do they stop to think?
That it's more than them
Having classes and relationships to tend to
More than who's wearing a prada or gucci
More than what's there to see
And to just notice the unseen
Feel the unseen
Be the Unseen.

-fir.m