And oh,
How I fall for his brown eyes
And his sweet breath on my skin.

Saying goodbye
Tastes like the back of stamps
Bittersweet

Today
I am paper origami
And I do not want to leave this crumple sheet bed.

I was at work today
And I thought of you.
I was doing laundry today
And I thought of you.
I was lying in my bed, staring at the ceiling,
Darkness swarming me,
And I thought of you.
I was staring out the window on the ride home,
And I thought of you.
I thought about the emptiness in your bed..
I thought about the quietness of your home.
I often think about Nick's face and his burgundy dress shirt.
I swear to God, I hate it now.
I hate the look he gave me when I walked in.
I hate the weight that his been placed on his chest lately,
on all of ours.
It still feels unreal.
I feel like I am supposed to see you at Matt's barbecues this summer.
I think about you getting bugs in your teeth from riding around the lawn.
Sometimes when you are out and about with life, it just hits you.
You never expect it.
Today, the sun came out and it made me upset to think that I cannot share that with you.

Everything feels like it’s been going in slow motion.
I don’t feel anything
Until suddenly it’s too much to handle.
I like to think it’s just the stress from school, but I think in reality,
I know it’s deeper.
I am a constant cloud of worry.
Dampening everything and everyone in my path.
I like to think that it’s not you.
I like to push off the fact that you’re aren’t here anymore.
I like to pretend that I’m not walking holes in my shoes,
In my dreams,
Trying to find you and bring you home.
I like to pretend that I haven’t been trying to fill this void in my life.
That this whole thing isn’t real.
I sometimes see your face in strangers
As I am walking to class,
At the grocery store,
In parking lots.
I hate that I have to see your dad constantly destroying his life.
I hate that your little brother will someday realize this, or maybe he won’t.. but by then it will probably be too late.
I hate that I have been burying all of these emotions so deep.
Every little inconvenience makes me crack like pavement.
Since you’ve been gone,
I feel like I’ve been battling the days alone.
It feels wrong.
I’ve been talking to Erika more now.
It feels nice.
I think you would be proud.
I wonder what it’s like to hear Papa’s laugh again.
Or to see Uncle Teddy’s smile.
I bet Grammy makes you breakfast a lot.
I wonder how you’re feeling up there.
I hate that I didn’t get to tell you how much I love you.
I hate that we didn’t spend as much time together before you left.
I’m walking around feeling so guilty lately.
The days feel dark.
Life feels like one big,
Hazy storm.
I wonder why this happens so often.
I often feel like I am being punished,
And I don't know why.
I feel like I am being slapped in the face by the hand of God.
It's fine, really.
I know you aren't suffering.
I know you're probably the happiest you've ever been.
But did you see Nick's face?
Do you know how we are feeling?
There is something significant about the way you made others feel.
I can't help but think about your goofy laugh when I am missing you.
It feels like you are oceans away,
but in reality,
It is much, much farther than that.
I wake up every day with this weight on my chest.
The weight of feeling empty inside when I realize I won't see you this summer.
The weight of your alcoholic father.
The weight of seeing your little brother and thinking about his reaction when he first found out you were gone.
I wish I knew what this meant.
I don't even truly remember the last thing I said to you.
I think I sent you a ******* Bitmoji.
And I just think about how stupid that is.
I am so angry that you're not here with me.

On Sunday,
I drove to your house.
We sat in your bed,
And you kept asking me if I missed you over the weekend.
You asked me twice without even noticing.
I haven't talked to you since.
You see,
I want you to miss me this time.
I want you to check your phone every five minutes to see if I've called..texted.. sent a carrier pigeon.
You see,
I want to feel wanted.
Is that too much to ask?
You've been up walking holes in your shoes and I am unsure why.
I sometimes feel like I don't know how to speak to you.
I sometimes feel like I struggle to find the right words to say.
I hate that.
You just posted a photo on  your story.
You don't even notice that I have ignored your text.
You never said that you loved me today.
I feel like everything is so forced.
So I will allow myself to give you this space.
Sometimes, it pains me.
I've been spending a lot of time alone lately.
The beginning of the weeks seem to be hard for me.
Today, it's pouring.
And right now, I wish I was home.
In the comfort of my father's arms.
I've come to a realization that he is the only person that would never hurt me.

When I was younger,
I used to make fun of the people in the Depression commercials.
I thought, "Oh, just cheer up!'
I thought the people in those commercials were always so pathetic.
I never thought that as an adult,
I would be faced with the same  issues.
I never thought I would reach a day in my life,
where all I ever want to do is sleep.
I never thought that I would struggle to do small tasks.
I never imagined that I would have such a hard time leaving my bed every morning.
I never imagined that this ache in my chest would come back every time it snowed.
I used to love the snow,
but ever since my junior year of high school,
I reach this stage of nostalgia when the frost bites.
I literally have no idea how to help myself.
I feel so incredibly isolated.
Perhaps, it is the darkness that makes me so tired.
I want nothing more than to cuddle up in my comforter.
I want nothing more than evenings spent binge watching episode after episode.
Maybe it's the weather,
Or maybe it is me.
Maybe it is the situation that I am constantly finding myself in.
I feel like I can never please anyone.
I feel like I lose all sense of motivation.
I do not understand.
This time, it is different.
For I do not want to take my own life this season,
but I do not want to do anything with it.
I am drowning in homework.
I am drowning in confusion and doubt.
I don't even want to tell Henry what I am dealing with right now,
because he doesn't deserve it.
He doesn't deserve my constant complaints.
I just feel so empty inside.
How do I deal with this?
This ache comes back season, after winter season.
I cannot wrap my mind around it.
Why does this happen to me?
I am unsure of who I am supposed to turn to in these nights of need.
I feel as if I am lacking something,
or perhaps my brain lacks something during these cold months.
Perhaps it is my heart.