It started out without my knowledge
with tight hugs and
shared coffee mugs
just friends, though
I never wanted our talks to end so
one thing led to another and
hugs led to kisses to touches to
so much more
and that one time
in the beginning
in that packed broadway bar where you never went
but this time you went for me,
spent money you didn't have
so you could spend more time with me,
that one time when you ended up
pushing me away and wouldn't meet my eye
because this was all so sudden
a second ago I was my own person
now I knew that I was yours because
it broke my heart not to see you smile
had I been in denial?
I just want to see you smile
I want to be the reason for that smile
love is just a chemical reaction

So you left yours and I abandoned mine
but is that really a good foundation
for a functioning life
together
I hope so I hope so I hope so
because I don't think about my past
but I can't know where your thoughts go
so I'm going to trust you
and I'm going to ignore what might be the truth
that you still talk about the last one
and you still talk to the previous one
and you still bump into that other one
you see, my chapters are read
I have seen, I have said
that I won't let them affect me
so how hard can it be to
not let all of yours affect, well, ours

You know, one day when I woke up in your bed
eyes still full of grit
nice thoughts in my head
your back turned on me
I accepted the role of the big spoon
her texts on your phone screen
before we'd even said good morning
made a shitstorm out of my good dream

I'm at yours alot, I know that
I write most of our conversations, guess I don't mind it
I feel slightly (very) inadequate, though
when I think of what you might say to her back home
when I compare myself to every. girl. you've. ******
and
every. girl. you. might want to *****
and
no one can undo a cherry they've plucked
because that's the way time works
so it's really not you, it's really just me
and you call me silly for thinking such things
and I know that I'm silly because
because I know you wouldn't just mess around with me
because you said so
you don't think I'm in the way or just
generally annoying to always stay
but I know that you make jokes when you're hurting
and I don't want you to hide from me
because that's burning me

I like stories that start out small.
A few words.
A breath.
A feeling.
It's enveloped in front of you
on the delicate pages,
blooming up slowly and luring you in
and before you know it,
you love.

I'm not old
I haven't been here for long
I have no profound wisdoms
I haven't yet learned all that a person can learn from life
But my heart is tired
It's sad and bruised
Dried out and hollow
A few years ago I had the ability to fall in love easily
Now I don't know how to love at all

I'm afraid to eat
because I won't be able
to keep it down

I'm afraid to go to bed
because I won't be able
to hold my tears in anymore

I'm afraid to sleep
because I'll only dream of her

I never thought you'd do this.
I never thought it'd happen.
Pretty sure Shakespeare wrote something of thee.

I never thought there would come a day
when I'd look at you and not recognize
the person in front of me.

I never thought your fear of losing me
would turn to nothingness,
all 'cause you lost your high.

I never thought I'd meet your stare
and find the love
drained from your eyes.

But you did it.
The day came.
It happened.
I saw it.
And that's what has me scared to death.
Right now.
Twenty-seven hours later.

If something so sure
could die
what of all else?

I had to stay the night;
my train wouldn't depart for another
twenty hours.
It killed me
to have to sleep in your bed
one last time.
To have to feel your scent
in your sheets.
You took the couch.
I gave in to tears
and the blackening hole in my chest.

When I walked out
I put up a wall.
I bet you saw it
because you cried.
I couldn't.
I couldn't look at you anymore.
I couldn't look at you
and not see our love
where it used to be.
Where it ought to be.
Where did it go?
Where did you go?

I hope he's worth it.

It's time to sleep, the absent sun tells me
but thoughts are running freely
across the street behind my house

Do you ever really miss me when you're drunk?
Maybe you're this way with everyone
and I'm blowing us out of proportion
Is it only desire?
I can't decide
I can't tell
But you would have let me stay with you
hadn't your apartment been crowded
filled by the eyes and ears of your brothers
You told me so
before you kissed me

I wish we weren't what we are
one step furter but not far enough

Please let me in again

Tell me you want me still

Let me have you
I'd be yours in a second
Let yourself let me have you
It's not a demand
it's a hope
and there's not alot of that around these days

Do you ever only miss me when you're drunk
or is it just harder to hide then?