Lol I’m ridiculous and I know it

I’m not proud of it anymore because my hopes were too high

my sad little expectations were too much

again

but for some reason I fell fast and hard

because you were different

lol **** do I love you

yah.. stupid I know you had her and now you have HER

and you will continue to have a spot in my heart

and seeing you loving her

**** that was a blow to my ******* heart

lol i know right funny and again kinda stupid

also a hella waste of my time and energy

but that is what it goes to

our little time together

was amazing and helped me grow

more and int a better person

( in my opinion that is)

thanks for a summer m8

I promised you I would eat
I promised you I would actually try in school
I promised you I would do my best
I promised you I would try to stay strong
I promised you I would try not to worry about you
I promised you I would always be there for you
I promised you I would always love you

I promise I will eat
I promise I will actually try in school
I promise I will do my best
I promise I will try to stay strong
I promise I will try not to worry about you
I promise I will always be there for you
I promise I will always love you

I made these promises to you
and I intend to keep them
no matter what happens
I will keep the promises I made to you
I promise you that I will keep my promises to you
the ones I have already made and
the ones I will make in the future

I'll see you soon
you're just on a little trip
you'll be back in April
and I know nothing will happen
but still a part of me is worried
I know you aren't stupid
and I know you will come back
and won't leave me forever
you promised and you don't break
your promises and I know that
but part of me the part of me I don't
like doubts everything happy in my
life but I'll do my best to ignore
the doubt cause I know you and
I know you won't leave me forever
cause you aren't just a guy and you
aren't like guys in general you are
different good different and these coming
months without you will be hard but
I will keep my promises and I know you
will and I think while you are on your
trip it will show us if our relationship
is a good one cause I think it is and
well they say distance shows the truth
all I am hoping is that the truth doesn't hurt
and I know you will talk to me as soon as
you are allowed to my love
I love you so much and I miss you
so much and it's only been a day

I woke up this morning in a fright
I had a dream and I haven't had one like
this in a while but it was different I wasn't me
in the dream I was watching the dream
I had awoken from seeing me
blooded wrists and crying
for forgiveness my skin no longer pale
but strikingly red I was scared and he was
coming to help me but what if he was too late
the once white cloths are now stained a bright but
dark red and my just crying and sitting on the floor
of my bedroom and my parents and siblings all out
going to see a movie I didn't want to see yet
and I decided to call him for help to call the one
person I didn't want to know about this if it was to
happen and my head pounding hard and me thinking
" I ****** up I ****** up I ****** up" over and over and over again
head pounding so hard I think I am going to pass out and I am
not sure if it's because of the blood lose cause it can't be that much blood
can it? It was only 3 cuts I think or was it 4 or 5?? I don't quite remember
Now I am freaking out cause I don't remember how many and I want to
look but I don't want to get blood on the floor and about 5 minutes passes
and I am about to give up and close my eyes and go to sleep and then I hear
running and I think I am imagining it my bedroom door is closed so I can't
see if anyone is actually there or if I am imagining the running I hear banging
on the bathroom door I must have closed it I am just sitting on my legs leaning over
with my arms resting on my legs with the red cloths on my wrist and I hear a loud
bang on my door and someone say " where the hell are you Lizzy?" and I want to make
a noise but I can't and I don't I just stay sitting like that in the middle of my bedroom
with ****** wrists staring at the cloths and I hear a bang at my door again and
I want to make some type a noise and right before I do the door opens
and he is there just staring at my tear streaked face and then he looks
down and sees the cloths the ****** gross cloths that I want to burn
and his face changes and I see pain and sadness and almost every emotion
in his face and I just start crying more and more and saying " I am so sorry I just
I didn't mean to I didn't mean to I don't know what happened I just" he looks
at me and says "just be quiet you are working yourself up more which will just
make you bleed more" I feel like I am about to pass out and he is keeling on the ground
in front of me and he is about grab the cloths off when I just lea forward and lay my head on his shoulder and close my eyes and I keep them closed I want to g to sleep and get away from the nightmare and he softly picks up my head and says starts saying things like, " you can't go to sleep wake up you can't give up on my come on just open your eyes come on lizzy" and he starts yelling those things at me and I just don't have the energy to say something cause I am about to fall asleep in his arms like I have always wanted to and right before I am about to dose off maybe for a little bit or maybe forever he says with his voice breaking; " You said forever and always." and that hits ,y bran and my heart and my eyes start to flutter and they open and he says, " Oh thank god..." he lifts me up and starts carrying me and then I fall asleep and then I wake up in real like all sweaty and I instantly check my wrists they are clean except for some black ink and I start freaking out cause
all I could see when I blink is my sitting there with ****** wrists and I don't know if I should tell him about this dream or keep it a secret... could it ruin our relationship if he finds out later? and what happens f this dream becomes a reality I don't want it to though but I keep having similar dreams but this one was the worst and bothered me the most...
I just don't know what to do anymore but I know one thing is I do not at all want to die.

this hurts so much and
i don't know why...

maybe it is because
you are leaving in august

or maybe it is because
she doesn't trust me

or maybe it is because
she said my parents are bad parents

or maybe it is because
she said i could've ruined your career

or maybe it is because
now i won't get to see you

or maybe it is because
i am too emotional

or maybe it is because
i do truly love you
and i do truly care about you

or maybe it is because
deep deep down i stupidly believed
some of the stuff she said

or maybe and this is the one
i really think it is
maybe it is because when you
called me back to make sure
i was okay that
i could hear that you had
been crying and that you
were trying hard not to
and that i could hear the pain and anger
and sadness in your voice
from what she had said

people say that what someone
says to you is just words and
what gives those words
power is you but i
don't think that is true
because if it was then i
wouldn't be feeling like this
and neither would you

J, I've seen what
you have been
writing lately
I know you say
nothing is wrong
and that you are
alright but I feel
and I know something
is wrong you aren't the
same as you were like
a month ago you seem
different and it might
just be me and I might
just be seeing problems
and issues were there
aren't any but you have
changed you don't seem
as energized and you seem
like life is being drained from
your mind and your body
and well I know I might not
be able to help and I know
it's not my business or job
to make sure you are okay
or to help you but just know
I know I'm here to help and
I want to help and I am here
if you just want to talk even
if it isn't about the problem
if you want I can distract you
but I have see what you
have been writing lately
and I have seen how you
have been acting lately
many people may not
but I do I see it and
I just want to say
I love you and
I care about you so much
and you are not alone
please don't ever
ever forget that

i told you today that
that i love you but
i always tell you that
so i elaborated and
told you i love you
i mean i really love you
and you ask do you mean
more than a crush you want
a future? and i thought i had
******* up majorly so i said
like i see a future with you
like you aren't just a crush
and then you said you feel
the same way and that made
me smile and i felt my face
turn so red and it made
my day so amazing and
i couldn't get the smile
off my face all day and
well it's still on my face
and am excited to see
where life will take us
and hopefully it will be together

i'm sorry but i don't
know how much more
longer i can take the tears
i told you i would wait forever
and i meant it but the tears first began
everyday but then started being once a week
and then rarely but now they are back to being
every night and i just don't know anymore it goes
up and down back and forth like a huge freaking cycle
and i am tired of the cycle so for you i'm
going to try no not try i am going to
break the cycle and not cry and i
am going to get through this so
everything can be good so that i don't ruin
this perfect and fragile thing we have cause
to me it's the best thing happening in my life
and one of few things i am looking forward
in life to that and becoming a general surgical
and being with you so i am sorry i have been so
sad recently but i am going to fix it cause you can't
keep saying sorry if you aren't going to fix the problem
cause then you don't really mean it...  do you?
so i am going to stop crying and then i am going to stop
worrying about everything so i can get my license and get a
car and get a job and start doing stuff with my precious life
because i have decided moping about moving and not getting
to see my best friends everyday is not good for anyone and
isn't going to help with anything at all so here we go
"my new beginning" it starts now and i am going
go to get the most out of life because life is precious

i love you and
you love me too but
we can't see each other everyday
and it kind of hurts
and you are leaving soon
and i am sorry to say this but
that's going to **** me but
i will be okay and i will
wait for you to come back
because i honestly believe you are
worth waiting for and also i the thought of
losing you altogether would hurt
way more so we can do this
but i am not going to say goodbye
because saying goodbye means
going away and going away
mean forgetting and you never
forget your first real love or
your first "doctor"...

she used to not understand people
who would put on a mask and
pretend to be happy at school
but now she does understand because
she does it herself now
she always acts so happy at her new
school but if you were to look
at her as soon as she got away from
her friend or when she gets on the bus
she kind of just lets go and doesn't care
she doesn't have to pretend
with her new friend but she feels better
pretending rather than explaining
that she just doesn't really feel happy anymore
and as soon as she gets alone she is
left with her thoughts and
her sadness and if you were
to look at her and i mean really look
you might just might be able to
see the tears she is holding back
but when she is with her
bestfriend who she doesn't know
where she would be in life without her
who is part of her family and she loves
her so much and she loves her back
even after she ***** up sometimes
and when she is with her boyfriend who she loves
and who is part of her "family"
she doesn't have to pretend with them
because she just feels safe with them and
seeing them or talking to them it...
it just automatically puts a smile on
her face that is an one hundred percent
real smile and she doesn't have a mask
on with them because they don't have
one on with her because they trust her
and she trusts them with her life
but once they aren't near her she puts
back on her mask and has to fake her smile

i miss you
more than you know

i love you
more than i can muster into words

i need you
more than i need him

if it came down to it
i hope you know i would

choose you
over him no thought or doubt about it

maybe you know it or
maybe you don't

maybe you believe it and
maybe you don't

but you should cause i mean it
and it is the 100 percent truth

i love you more than
all the stars alive and dead

that are yet to be born
and that will die soon

i love you more
than all of them

thoughts are like
the tears you
have been holding in
all day or all week
or all month
once they start
they are so hard to stop
no matter how hard
you try to make them
stop and go away
and you never wanted
them to start
and they hurt so much
and they **** you
and make you
question your life
and if it's worth it
or if you should give up
on everything
because
those thoughts
and those tears
have been held in
forever
and now they are
tumbling out
of the dam they
were being held behind
and it's killing me slowly

what do you do when you
feel like you can't breathe

when you feel empty and
don't feel hungry but

you are trying to force yourself
to eat cause you promised him

when you feel like going to sleep
forever

but not wanting to sleep forever
when all you want to do

is lay down and
listen to music

cause you feel like crying
and you feel hurt but

you don't know why
you don't know why you feel that way

cause you have him and
you have everything you need

and nothing is wrong but
you feel...

you feel...
broken

is that the right word?
broken?