I’m sorry I haven’t written you a poem.
You would think almost four years would have been enough time.
It’s ironic because there is nothing to profess
No profound feelings to be had
Just coming to a realization.

My mind is oddly at ease.
The turmoil that previously resided there seems to have moved on
Like a storm passing over a ship.

I am no longer in love with you.

It’s hard for me to pinpoint if it was the long distance that did it for me
or maybe it was the lack of communication in the end
Maybe there’s a hint of jealousy and despair seeing you thrive in a place that was so toxic to me.
But, I would never ask you to leave your happiness and success
And I hope you will do the same for me.
I’m thankful for the relationship we had.
I could not have become the woman I am today without you.
You have given me the independence I’ve always craved
For you were the crutch I needed to get walking
But now it’s time for me to run
For me to start my life
Without you.
You may never forgive me.
And that’s okay.
but I can’t live my life tied down to such a volatile place
and I can’t love where my voice isn’t remembered.

As I lay in bed after a long day
My thoughts still wonder to you
Months have gone by like seconds
But like a picture in a frame
I’m trapped in the past
Lingering in what used to be

I wonder if you feel the same
But subconsciously know the truth
Your sweetheart warms your bed at night
A dream you never thought could be true

I am happy for you
But there is still a sting of pain
Wishing I were her too

At the end of the day
it was her you were searching for...
To be your everything
Not me.

When I stare at my screen to write
or have a spare moment to myself
All I can think of is you.
It’d be foolish to call you my muse
But your presence in my life has struck a cord I can’t seem to shake
Try as I might to forget you
our memories flow into my mind so effortlessly

A part of me wonders if your thoughts wander to me too
like the nights of pulling me closer to your chest,
but another part doesn’t want to know
in fear that you no longer feel the same.
It’s ironic, really
that I used to feel so open with you
and would tell you everything.
Now I’m scared to know what you’re thinking,
so I live in this fantasy of unawareness
to keep my feelings from shattering further

I hate to admit my weaknesses
and try to hide my emotions when I can
but you see through me so easily
So I think it’s safe to say my biggest weakness has become you.

I love you
and it has taken me too long to say this.
I held off knowing my words would sound more selfish than endearing,
but it was so hard not to fall for you.
You made everything feel so right.
So, my skydive began
As felt myself plummet to the Earth’s surface but with you at my side I felt invincible.

So, when I think of you
my mind flutters not only for everything we were
but everything we could’ve been.
I think of the misfortune of our situation
but maybe that’s what made me grasp a little tighter
hold a little longer
and be a little more carefree with my feelings.

Maybe it would’ve been different if we could’ve  truly been together.
We could’ve fallen out of love as so many couples do
or turned too comfortable in each others company.
I like to fantasize a different reality
where our futures collided and never strayed;
they stay entangled like our legs under the sheets...

But, I'm torturing my mind at this point
waving what could be in my face
beating a dream until every last drop has seeped from its corpse,
but like the undead it seems to always rise at night and haunt my thoughts as I try to fall asleep.

I honestly didn’t know a heart could hurt this much.
This constant sinking feeling in my chest that has anchored itself within me.
Try as I might I can’t shake it
it physically hurts knowing you can’t be mine
not because of lack of passion but rather our lives taking different directions.

The worst part about this is not only watching you slip away
but knowing it’d be selfish to try to stop you.

I have never felt so hollow.
This feeling is so deafening in the silence of my room

I never thought one person could have such a hold on my heart
But here it lays in a thousand pieces
as it once was before

It’s a little different this time, though
We both let go at the same moment
After we came to the realization that Destiny and Life do not always see eye to eye
Despite not wanting to release the grasp of this feeling we called love

We entertained ideas of what could be
To lessen the blow of what we are now
And what we can never become
I’m not one for fairy tales
But I would read a thousand stories if it meant the ending always was me with you.

I pray that one day I look up and see you standing before me
and that I’ll never have to let you go
Despite knowing that our paths will never cross again

A new path has started to etch itself before me
and I find myself reflecting on my journey and how it used to be
I’ve committed my whole life to this dream
but looking back it’s the only path I’ve stayed true to it seems
I’ve sacrificed so much to be here
But what is a dream without conquering some fears?
Or suffering through pain and shedding some tears?

I don’t know if the aching of my heart is a requirement to fulfill dreams or if it’s just the aftermath of it all
But I won’t let anyone see and I’ll keep standing tall

Because I know looking back that the turmoil endured has helped be grow
and has taught me not only to go with the flow
But to forgive those who tried to shatter my passion that clearly shows

So, thank you to everyone that I’ve met along the way
There is so much you’ve done for me every day
and despite the pain some of you have caused
It did not cause me to hesitate or pause
but rather push forward even harder
toward this dream of mine

So, here’s to my next adventure.
I know it’ll be so much to endure
But if i’ve spent my whole life chasing you
I’ve got nothing to lose.

It’s quite sad really
That every moment I’ve had to myself
I try to figure out what I have done wrong
Like there is absolutely no way
That all this pain could have been caused by you.

Angry screams bounce effortlessly
                      around my head;
they're too loud to dismiss.
         shoving me forward
attempting to push me

                                                 off.


                                     I attempt to hold my ground,
                                       but the yelling mutates into wails
                                                           ­                           shrieks
                              ­                                                in distress
                                                        ­                 pain
                                                            ­       anger
                                                           ­ suffering
                                     guiding me backward
                             towards the edge.
         Did I really cause this much


                                                         ­                                                pain?

                                                        ­                              It would be so easy to jump
                                                            ­                   accidentally 'slip'
                                                          ­             give up
                                                              ­    let go
                                                            fa­ll

and never look back.

My dear,

I've lost everything I hold near;
you've turned my heart into a constant pit of fear
where I flinch at the sight of possible pain
and lose sight of the flame
I ever saw in us.

It's such a shame
that I have to put up such a fuss
because I never really did much
to stop what was bothering me the most,
just let it drift away like a coast;
might as well take a toast
to all the few good times we had
and be glad
that you could've been the biggest part of my life.

I really don’t want to do this,
but you've turned my infatuated bliss
into something that could be dismissed;
I was ready to put all my cards on the table,
expose my all like a fable,
but everything got blown away
when you decided to stop giving me the time of day
and shut down everything I had to say.
You're a ****.
You make me go berserk
even when you give me just the smallest smirk.
I cant take this.

You never have anything nice to say;
think that makes me want to stay?
I'm over this whole act.
Have you ever learned manners?
No? Do you expect me to adapt
to this pettish play
where 'men' are mean to the ones they like?
That doesn’t even make sense.
Why would you act in anger
or give any thought of danger
to someone you want to give your heart to?
Does that somehow make sense to you?

But, when I look into your eyes
I can see past all these tries,
that I truly despise,
and I see the real you.
The one that wants to hold my hand;
someone who wants to understand
everything I demand
and commit to who I really am.

Playing this tug-of-war
will be the end of me.
But, the game continues because of this stupid life I wished for.
I should just shut the door
since this has just become a chore
I have to bear
because it only seems fair
since your eyes tell me more than the rest of you.

I think we're through
unless you change your ways that have somehow became apart of you.


Sincerely,

Your almost Love

I held your hand while you cried;
cradled your heart as it slowly died.
She let you down,
and I was the only one around
to pick up the pieces
listen to your speeches
about how she was the one,
that she was your sun.
You were so frustrated, but so full of hope
convinced that you were going to at least elope
with a girl that never truly gave you her heart.
God, I used to think you were smart.

That’s what Love does to the soul:
makes you feel whole,
but can also turn you into an *******.

Should’ve just stabbed me in the back then.
Why did I ever consider you my friend?
You’ve ****** me over already;
I should’ve just grabbed a machete
to hack at everything our friendship used to be.
Why did you do this to me?
I stood by side.
I gave you everything I could provide.
What did I do wrong?
I need to stay strong.
This was nothing I could foresee,
but I’m still saying in my mind, why me?
Everything I did apparently meant nothing to you
our friendship was nothing of true value:
just a temporary thing,
nothing that I thought Life would bring.

Though I still find this hard to comprehend
I know now that you were never my friend
so this is finally the end.

At the time,
I didn’t realize how much you were mine.

I let you go thinking nothing of it;
now I’m constantly reminding my mind to submit
to the pain I brought upon myself
consumed by this empty wealth
called Freedom.

Code Name: Loneliness.
With my selfishness,
I should’ve expected nothing less.

My heart is hidden deep in a dungeon
locked thirteen ways for the occasion
of when I see your face for the first time
and I know I cant call you mine,
but I want to.
I need to.

I've been thinking this through:
you saved my heart from my deep rooted sub-conscience
that reminds me everyday that I am not wanted,
but you changed that
you gave me a chance at bat,
and I swung so hard just to impress you,
but when was the day that all fell through?
The day when you began to ignore me?
What happened to the heart that set me free?
Did it run and hide when **** got old?
Or did it hate always being told
that "you are my only one"?
When was the day you thought I am done?

Your memories haunt me
like a shadow on a street,
but you still have the audacity to say
"You are not worth any time in my day,"
and that's when I realized: this is it.
You were never my perfect fit
just another piece to the puzzle of life,
but I need you to know that I tried with all my might
to make you the one.
To make you my sun.
To make you the air I breathe.
All I wanted was to hear, "You're all I need."

I was living in a fairytale spun with lies and lore
thinking this is not what life is for.
There has to be something more
why else is life full of open doors?
So many opportunities that have slipped from my hands
because my wrists were wrapped with bands
holding me back from everything that could have been
and all I needed was for you to be my friend,
but you couldn't even do that
what happened to my chance at bat?
My voice screams without making a sound
because silence was the only thing cherish-able you found;
that was fine with me
as long as you continued to set me free,
but you locked me away without even giving me the time of day
you wonder why I cheated?
I was so defeated.
I needed that feeling of being freed once again.
I needed my friend.
You were nowhere to be found
and because I was so used to making no sound
I couldn't scream for help
even though pain was all I felt.

I needed you,
but you fell through.
When the days turn to weeks and the weeks turn to months and then into years
I hope that I am not formulated into one of your fears,
but rather a key
that will eventually help set you free
from the dungeon you've hidden yourself in.