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Tab Jan 2016
How am I suppose to go to sleep when you're crawling around my brain?
Picking and choosing memories to play for me
I rather have nightmares than spend another night dreaming about you.
Tab Dec 2015
10
I'm running the streets looking for you
9
You can't leave me behind
8
You said forever
7
Remember talking about the apartment in the city?
6
Why can't I find you?
5
It's almost time
4
Please stop running away
3
It will be different I swear, I'll try to get better
2
You can't just abandon me like this
1
*Happy New Year
Tab Mar 2016
I might be in love?
I might be in love
5 words that brought my world to its knees
At 2:46AM I fell in love for all the right reasons
Tab Oct 2016
my blood is curdled by sin
my heart beats a toxic tune that the devil whistles while he works on my shoulder.
it drives me mad,while all the angels dance with pitch forks around my head
there is no savior for me
God has forgotten about me a long time ago
something thats been bouncing around in my head for awhile might clean it up at a later time
Tab Dec 2015
Everyone has an addiction
For some it's drugs
For others it's stealing
For me it was the past
I'm addicted to my past
Chasing fleeting memories
Trying to relive them
Catching glimpses of what used to be
I'm afraid of moving forward
I don't ever want to forget what it felt like to be alive
Tab Dec 2015
I'm lost and I'm empty
I'm numb and I'm lonely
I feel everything yet
I feel nothing at all
I've been trying to pin point what this emotion is
Is it sadness?
Is it even an emotion at all?
Is wanting to throw yourself of a cliff an emotion?
I'm weak
both mentally and physically
I don't think I'll ever recover from this
**I don't think I'll ever be anything ever again
I'm depressed and want to throw myself off a cliff (: lol
Tab Dec 2015
I remember the little things from 2AM
the sound of the typewriter
Eternal Sunshine for the spotless mind playing in the background
the faint smell of coffee
I remember the big things from 3AM
how loud your voice was when you yelled at me
all the broken glass laying around
the strong smell of blood
I remember the words from 4AM
"I love you"
"But I can't do this"
"Its me, not you"
I remember the tastes from 5AM
Salty tears and hard liquor
I remember at 6AM
Thinking that I'm not a morning person and crawled into bed
I'm super proud of this one, idk why but I am.
Tab Mar 2017
Oscar Wilde once said something about death that i can no longer remember, but I know it was beautiful.
it had something to do with how there’s no more today or tomorrow.
how time becomes irrelevant
there is no more past
there is no more future
it’s just you
the wildflowers
and the soft spring breeze
Tab Dec 2015
to a lot of people you are a demon
but we've been together for so long now
you and me are friends
you've ruined my life and I can't get away
I've tried to run away from you
but you always find me
I've tried to protect myself
but you've beaten me
so now we are friends
because they say keep your friends close
and your enemies closer
Tab Mar 2016
YOU MADE COTTON FEEL LIKE SILK
YOU TURNED BLOOD INTO WINE
YOU SHOWED ME THE WAY, THE TRUTH, AND THE LIGHT
YOU GREW FLOWERS IN MY EMPTY HEART
YOU KISSED MY COFFIN BEFORE PUSHING IT INTO THE RIVER
Y
O
U
YOU
YOU
YOU
THIS IS FOR YOU AND IT *****
Tab Mar 2016
You wanted me to write you a poem
so I cut myself open and dipped the quill in my blood
and wrote, and wrote, and wrote
I wrote about the good and the bad
As my veins ran dry I scrolled out the last words
*"You asked to be my muse"
Tab Dec 2015
I jump at ever single noise. I'm afraid of anything and everything
I just wish it wasn't like that
Tab Nov 2016
i haven't left my bed in almost 2 days
the blankets keep me sheltered and safe
there's love in these blankets
here i am free to be me
free to be black
free to be gay
just free
there is no one telling me to "go pick cotton" or to "get to the back of the bus"
i'm allowed to love who i want without worrying someone is going to throw a brick at me
there are no slurs in here
i'm free
*i'm safe
will i have to stay in my bed for 4 years just to be safe?
Tab Apr 2016
misty eyes and blurry skies
my mind is in knots
i'm lost
the lines blur together
i can't tell which side is which
i just want to get out
i just want to get better
Tab Jan 2016
I have blisters on my feet
From chasing after your "I love you's"
I asked the doctor if I was experiencing phantom voice syndrome
She just shrugged her shoulders and said "kid you can't live in the past forever"
But every time I pass the skid marks on the interstate I swear I hear you screaming
Now I have blisters on my feet
Chasing the voice of a ghost
Tab Apr 2016
getting drunk on the thought of you on a friday night
simple, yet lovely
twirling around my room
a vision of you, spread out in the dazzling sunlight
filters through my mind
i can almost touch you, almost hold you in my arms
you are so beautiful
don't leave
saturday morning, hungover but still thinking of you
Tab Dec 2016
you promised everything would be ok
but its been almost 5 years
and my life is still a wreck
Tab Oct 2017
can you turn dust into honey?
can you turn a vision into a memory?
can you turn a badly worded poem into a coping mechanism?
can you keep living like this?
this makes no sense but when does anything i write?
Tab Feb 2016
She was in church thinking about him, praying God wouldn't notice
He had cut open her chest to steal her heart
She tried to fill the empty space by planting wild flowers in her lungs
Wild flowers wrapped around her lungs
She had become an overgrown garden
Lungs collapsing, begging for forgiveness one last time
Tab Jan 2016
I want to kiss the side of your neck and leave it at that
I want to leave warm kisses all over your neck
I want to turn a few minutes of making out into hours of finding love
I want to give you goosebumps, turning your skin into braille
Writing a poem about the ****** of our love
Tab Jan 2016
Yellow* was the color that brought us together
Orange was the color that made you glow
Red was the color of our love
Purple was the color you left on my skin
Blue was the color you made me feel
Black was the last color I ever saw
Tab Dec 2015
2015 was the year of concepts for me
Concept 1: Me in your arms
Concept 2: You never let go
Concept 3: I'm not a burden
Concept 4: I know I'm loved
Concept 5: I'm whole and nothing is missing
Concept 6: This isn't a poem and this is all true
Oh wait
Concept 7: 2016 will be ok
Tab Apr 2017
you were the sun
and i was the moon
always dancing around each other
within arms reach
fingertips grazing
but only for seconds
this is about you
Tab Jan 2016
Let's talk about your hair and how it was always falling your face
How during the summer red highlights would dance in the sun and in the winter it was always pushed into a hat to keep it safe from the cold
You used it as a shield to keep the world from seeing the void of emotion in your eyes
But when you met him
You no longer played with the bouncy curls that swayed from left to right
You had them pinned down in place
So afraid to have a single hair out of place
So afraid of not being perfect for a single second
I'm sitting waiting for my therapist. This is pointless
Tab Nov 2015
You were my only sin.
so sinister
so insidious
but sweet like sugar
It was more than a craving
it was a fix
I needed you
24/7
365 days a year
you brought me straight to hell
but if loving you is my only sin then let me be ****** to hell for all eternity
Tab Dec 2015
I dare you to tell the truth.
Tell the truth for once in your life
Stop telling everyone those sickly sweet lies everyone wants to hear
Tell the ******* truth.
I double dog dare you to tell the truth.
Tell the truth about that night
Stop telling everyone what they want to hear
Just tell the ******* truth
I dare you to tell the truth
I dare you
I dare you
I dare you
tell the truth
Tab Jan 2016
We got a dead girl walking here!
Her eyes are a void of emotion
We got a dead girl walking here!
She's burning all her books
We got a dead girl walking here!
Blood is dripping from her nose
We got a dead girl walking here!
She carves a map into her arm
We got a dead girl walking here!
Yet she looks both ways to cross the street
Maybe she's not dead yet
Tab Feb 2017
would you rather be dead or haunted by all your past mistakes?
would you rather be dead or haunted by lost loves?
would you rather be dead or haunted by a future you’ll never have?
*would you rather be dead or haunted?
Tab Feb 2016
I haven't left my bed in almost 3 days
my crippling depression takes up all the space in the world
I want to know
does suffering come in any other color than black?
cut my chest open
but you won't find anything
**its just another void
Tab Feb 2016
Bitter winter wind
Warm golden sunshine
Honey Green Tea
The burn of *****
This isn't a poem
I miss you
I remember how your lips fit in the crease of my neck
Hushed whispers at 4AM
Loud yelling at 1PM
This isn't a poem
I miss you
I remember everything about you
*Do you remember me?
not really anything but kind of something
Tab Apr 2016
i'm pulling myself apart
sitting in a dark room
wish and wanting
that i could be whole
but i'm still pulling myself apart
i'm pulling myself apart for you
Tab Jan 2016
I let you become my home and after awhile it felt like I was on house arrest.
You knocked all my walls down just to build walls around the both of us
Blocking out the world so they couldn't see the chaos
The broken home that we both tried to live in.
There was only so much shattered glass you could clean up
I tried to decorate for a last ditch attempt to find the place I once called home
But you set it all on fire because you said you hated the color and the next day you started looking for a new home.
I'm homesick
Tab Jan 2016
My father sees nothing
I don't let him in
I show him his little girl
The little girl who wasn't afraid to have her front tooth knocked out by the big kid next door
I show him the fake smile and let him hear the fake laugh
"How are you?"
I'm well, just breathing
"That's great kiddo"
I can see the worry in his eyes
He's catching on to my lies
He can see the void of emotion in my eyes
And hear the desperation in my voice
"It's going to be okay"
I wish I could believe you dad
Tab Jan 2016
My mother sees laziness
No effort
Someone who has given up
"You have to stop being so sad"
I'm not ******* sad mom
I want to **** myself
My mother sees shyness
She doesn't see me breaking down in tears
The fear in my eyes when I leave the house
"Stop being so anxious over nothing"
It's not nothing mom
I'm afraid to live
She doesn't see that
She sees what she wants to see
Not what the doctor has told her 800 times
That if she doesn't help I won't make it to see 25
Tab Jan 2016
I'm loosing you and you're becoming part of my past
You dance from memory to memory
Waltzing with them, making it look so effortless
As you steal the only thing I have left of you
Tab Jan 2016
Being with you was like eating sunshine
I was full
I was happy
I was warm
Tab Dec 2016
i'm  sorry you fell in love with a void
a pit of desperation
and anxious tendencies
that you'll never get all the answers
and probably be left with a broken heart
but that's all i'm good for
Tab Dec 2015
What if one day all the pictures you had of me suddenly didn't exist?
What if you heard my favorite song and you knew the words but you could't figure out why you knew the words? Would you write it off as it just being a catchy song or would you think, think about all the memories and all the laughter bubbling around you. Slowly suffocating you, forcing you to remember what you did to me. What would you do if you ran into my mother and you couldn't look her in the eye because you know what you did. It was never me, it was always you. It was give give give and take take take. Now I'm giving you every single memory because you can't feign memories, they'll always hold a candle light in the back of your mind
Tab Dec 2015
I burned every single thing
all the journals, all the pens
all the pillows
the blankets, the sheets
even my skin
if you touched it, I scorched it
I burnt everything until all I had left was a pile of smoldering black ash
I had to fight fire with fire or you would have turned me into rubble
Tab Dec 2016
you sing sweetly to me almost every night
you make me nervous
but in a good way
i love you to the moon and never back
Tab Apr 2016
she doesn't do it for you
she doesn't wake up for you
she doesn't paint her lips for you
or add that sparkle to her eye for you
she is the sun
she is the moon
she is the Stars
and she does it all for herself
Tab Jan 2016
Spread out on worn silk sheets
Listening to Billie Holiday
A cup of tea goes cold
Wrapped together in one blanket
Turning two into one
Filling the small space with love
All on a Friday afternoon
this one's for you
Tab Jan 2017
your favorite song plays softly in the background
reminding us that this is real
that we are both here
and we are still in *love
how do i tell you i miss you
Tab Feb 2017
late afternoons are spent with you
singing all our favorite songs
dancing in the living room
just wasting away with you,
darling
Tab Apr 2017
i wouldn't have taken so many pills
one after another
after another
and another
and then just one more
i wouldn't have swallowed my sadness
i wouldn't have had to feel the burn in my throat as i threw up
i wouldn't have to carry this secret around that i tried to **** myself last spring
i just wouldn't
it would all be so different
Tab Feb 2016
My memory hurts me
My future haunts me
I don't know up from down
Your ghost is my muse
Maybe this is all just a punishment for my pervious life
Tab Jan 2016
Most people hoard items
I hoard memories
a leaf you picked up
a valentines day card you made
Most people hoard items
I hoard "I love you's"
The first "I love you" that was whispered on my roof
The last "I love you" that was screamed in your room at your mom's house
Most people try to explain away their hoarding
I can't do that I can't explain why I'm hoarding the past
Tab Dec 2015
Everyone goes home for the holidays
to see loved ones
to enjoy a homemade meal
warm cookies and fresh eggnog
they cuddle under blankets and watch christmas movies
but for me I'm not going home
even though I'm already at my mothers house
I'm wandering the streets
looking for home
chasing the voice that calls me
that's begging me to come home
I'm so lost
How can you find a place if it keeps running away?
Tab Mar 2016
Those words dance on the tip of my tongue
waiting to float above me
waiting, no wanting to be heard
begging to make a sound
but I keep my mouth locked
burn the feelings inside me
letting them go dormant
afraid of loving, when I'm so unloveable
(~:
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