It is the fickleness of man
That I hate the most.
No one cultivates anymore.
They just give up because it's easy.
No one ever becomes too valuable to lose.
We just keep starting over
And moving on and on
Complaining the whole way
How we never got what we wanted.
Shameful,  that as human beings
With the greatest ability to truly love,
That we rarely do.

And he said. "I'm afraid that one day you will wake up and realize that you are wasting your time on me."

And I thought to myself, he doesn't even know that I knew that from day one.

But I have always loved wasted time.

Hell, the best times that I remember are the ones where I was wasted.  

Wasted with people who didn't know me at all.

To know the subject of the words
Makes no difference don't you see
Be it river, lover, universe
All be but the same to me.

'Tis nothing but a chasm now
Much easier to melon ball out the rest
Than try to refill it.

It is the purest form of love,
The type that I have found with you.
The color of you engulfs me;
Makes my own a different hue.

You accept me just as I am,
A task that not many can do.
You chisel cracks into my heart
To let the light shine right on through.

We used to climb trees.
Scramble up them with our friends
There wasn't anything in those trees we needed
Nothing waiting to be claimed on the highest branch
It was just a tree
And we climbed it for fun's sake
Coming home with splinters,
Scraped knees and embedded dirt.
And the next day, guess what we did?
We climbed the ******* tree again.
Until the world taught us fear
And the tree wasn't fun anymore.
And so it goes on and on really.
Until simple seems so difficult
That we no longer have the courage
To truly live.

I must sit while in my chest

An infinite realm there be

More, oh more, within the breast

Than awkward mortality

Minūte in its east to west

Too narrow a soul to free

Just how far from trough to crest

And here to eternity?

It is a feeling.
I become all feeling with it.
And though I have only felt it once before,
I recognize it so clearly.
Denial of it isn't even a thought.
I would be foolish to think that.
And I am no fool.
Its not a heaviness, more of a shift.
And it doesn't come slowly.
It's a snapping of twigs in the dark;
At different decibels, on all sides,
Giving away the proximity.
And I flinch with each one.
Like tiny shocks to the system.
Internal twitches.
And I suffer it for a bit.
Until I just am unable to suffer it.
And with a sort of keen guage
I know just how much wrath I will need to overtake.
To silence the twigs.
Derision yields to Decision.
And there will be no pause.
Only. Linear. Forward. Movement.
And then I start bruting myself about;
Not in an attempt to protect myself at all. No.
That motive will be thought of much later,
In a vain attempt to pardon my action.
No.
I stand up tall now... not out of fear.
But to become the threat.
To BE the aggressor.
And I desire that power
With such a fierceness,
That just injuring, will never do.
No. In that moment, I MUST destroy. Completely destroy.
And I do.
And the satisfaction I find in doing that, and in doing it so well,
Is the most dangerous thing
That darkness ever held.

It's that moment when you peel your heart
Like onion skin
And start placing the ring-like layers
In so many different places
That you realize completeness
Does not come from trying to fill space,
But rather by extending it.
It is in that moment we find God.

Feathers are used to catch a dream;
Conform-it-y defines supreme,

Hummingbirds aren't able to sing,
And paper buys you anything,

Cotton makes us more dignified;
Too many win.... who never tried,

Curios hold the China Dolls;
Art is hung in such narrow halls,

The loss of life... will hail a mass;
Beauty hides in the broken glass,

We wish upon the falling star;
Alignment tells us who we are,

Angels are made out of the snow;
We celebrate years....as they... go,

We rarely share what we should say,
And shun the bold that go their way,

Sleep is sound on a satin sheet;
We stop hearts so that we can eat,

Elements are no longer free;
High-rises sit where trees should be,

Allergies blow in with the wind;
A ditch, dug, makes the river bend,

We disregard a higher pow'r,
For satisfaction in the hour,

Virtue can't compete with pleasure;
We sacrifice all we treasure,

Joy is preferred within a jar;
We just won"t go.... if it's too far,

The easy come and go of it all,
Pardons pain after every fall.

So it should come as no surprise,
When love gives up its self and dies.

They've been tossed around alot;
I myself have thrown some too;
Right back from whence they came;
Except for the ones from you.
Those... I tucked in my coat pocket;
The very best and brightest kind,
Like the most beautiful diamonds,
Anyone could ever hope to find.
And yet, even with the care I kept
I could not find them later on
Just like post-parade street trash
So very quickly they'd be gone.
Maybe if they weighed a bit more
Or if they weren't so paper-thin,
I wouldn't find just an empty pocket
Where my keepsakes should've been.

Let me live no longer than
The last leaf left to fall
No longer than the songbird
Who still has a mate to call
Not a minute past the wordsmith
Who can no longer write for ill
No please take me well before
The heart runs out of thrill
Let me live no longer than
The second-to-last bell ringing
No longer than a perfect soul
Decides to give up its own singing
Not a moment past the revelation
There are some we can not save
Let me know nothing of hope's demise
Before I hit the grave.
Come sooner than all the loss ahead
It be so unfortunate to wait
Take me now my dearest Lord
Just as love turns into hate.
Before the winter brings a chill
And a furrow sets the brow
Realizing it was all for naught
Take me soon, God, take me now!

The raindrops and wipers
Kept time with the song
The redlights and brakelights
All soon played along
The stop and go rhythm
Of the shifting of gears
So perfectly synced
With my falling tears.

All the heightened minutes
Trying to keep pace
With parallel boredom
And overfilled space
Every touch is counted
Each whisper as well
The overall auras
Like secrets we tell
It's an intrigue of such
Known only to one
Tucked in so uniquely
With webs that we spun
From amateur housing
To seasoned decay
Time's ever-dividing
Day into a day.

Among the scattered granite
Kneels a concrete angel
Watching over the stillness
Of the sacred place.
Crows gather and I
Undisturbed sit
Under an overcast sky
A slight chill will every wind
So fitting and so welcome
Leaves spurting their way along the asphalt
Moss -laden oaks standing in reverance of the dead at rest
And yet there is much life
Bees in the low cut grass
Moving about the daisies
Crows playing games in the clouds
Blades of grass tremoring with the breeze
The ground appears to tremble
But it would never dare
Not here.
Not here where alone feels nothing like loneliness
Where innonence has endured
In the only place where tears can fall without scrutiny
Peace takes precedence here
Where the dead listen
As God speaks

Snip the fibers and just be free
Talk over negative intrusions
Welcome real opportunities
Breathe in my blessings
Give myself to others
Invite hope back in
Care for myself
Utilize pain
Forgive
Forget
Smile
Love

Here....
We celebrate genuine
We admire raw uncensored love
We understand it takes more courage to expose yourself than to hide
We don't applaud actors, we pity them
Here....
We don't wipe tears away, we dance underneath them
Here.....
Is an easy place to be
But so few come
This is the place where inertia
Is found while being still
And divinity smiles
Where brokenness is beautiful
And filters are unnecessary
Fear and pride are allowed in and yet
They will never accompany you out
This is where spirit meets body
And acceptance is born
Where wisdom comes to cast itself off
And admittance of ignorance is prized
Wind moves us here as was intended
Where we set down things we have carried too long
Where breath and freedom are identical
The purest form of joy is here
Where real becomes reality
The place you can go to anytime
And choose to never leave.
Who would want to anyway?

The heart can take you places
You might never wish to go
And the mind can teach you things
You might never wish to know
We can choose to follow them
Know that God is on their side
Or live remote and un-learned
All because of foolish pride.

An aboriginal with a window
To the world
Watching all the little ways
Of conformity
Of learned destruction
The foolish ways of men
Just observing
Beauty transformed
Truth smothered
Light covered
Desire suppressed
The moderns
Changing all the time
Like rocks on a riverbed
All the godly gifts
Being shifted around
Heavenly innonence
And all the purity
All the passion
So transformed by man that
Pride equals power
A tear is weakness
The sun just a tool of industry
Through that window
War is acceptable
Death is expected
Stifling is strength
And hearts are restrained
There is no yield to passion
No recognition of self
No care of essence
The sky seeds never grow
Loves goes unspoken
Everything conditioned
And conditional
Eyes are shrouded
Voices raised only for contention
Ears are transient
Minds neglect infinite
A gardens mockery it is
With hushed lips
Squashed hope
Core disregard
Just a being-battle
Everyone wants to win
To be rewarded
With emptiness.
I don't live amongst that world
Because that world doesn't live.

If I could talk to you.....
I would tell you that I love you.
That I miss you so desperately.
That every day that passes feels wasted because you're not here.
That this absence is not getting any easier.
That I am not moving on.
That your voice plays in my head.
That no single hour has passed
Since that tragic day
That I don't think of you.
That the tears aren't slowing down.
That I am not me...without you.
I would say that I am sorry.
For all the many things I did
That made you feel unwanted, unappreciated, or unloved.
That I am sorry I didn't spend
Every single moment that I could have
Right by your side.
I would ask you to forgive me,
For not making you feel like you were my everything, because you were and you still are.
That I'm sorry for not telling you every day that I needed you and wanted you,  the way that I should have.
For not recognizing how that
Made you feel and what that made you think.
That I am so sorry you ever felt the need to question my love or my loyalty.
I would tell you that you deserved
More of a better me.
I would tell you that from the day I
First heard your voice that my
Body, heart, and soul,
Only ever belonged to you and that I hope you believe that.
I would say that I forgive you
For not believing in me.
That I have been living in a fog
Since the day I last saw you.
And that life doesn't feel worth living at all if I have to live it without you.
That you were my anam cara, the one
I waited for my entire life.
That I felt it immediately.
I would tell you that my heart is so tangled up with yours that I am now incomplete.
I would ask you to come back to me.
I would say that I don't care how long it might take or how hard it might be,
That I want us again.
That I believe a love like ours is worth fixing, no matter how difficult that might be.
That I am willing to fight and not give up.
I would ask you to put your pride away like I have and allow us to love each other better this time.
I love you Matt.

I will remember our time
I won't ever diminish it
I won't ever regret it
I have it all tucked away
The courage after loss
The acceptance of me
The pride you sometimes let go of
The way you felt the music
The way you liked to hug
The Holy Mackerels
The fake coy looks
The few sober conversations
The hundred wasted ones
The family that was genuine
The cat I could actually touch
The handicapped chinchilla
The swimming pool dance
The overcooked food
The way too much firewood
The unsettled sleeping
The two foot high pillow
The GPS mishap
The drunken admittance
The compassion when I cried
The sincere repeated apology
The weird mornings
The honesty that showed up
The understood grief
The pretended jealousy
The confusion of it all
The temporary forgetfulness
The "let me pass" kisses
The less lonely hours
The feeling not so broken
The "all in" for one day
The ******* ashtray
The tequila shots
The creamer you didn't toss
The muddled mess you were
The sharing all about her
The food you said you ate
The not being able to love again
The wanting to try anyway
The way we never quite enough
The first and last time
The vulnerabilty of that last email
The inevitable loss of trust
The just being real.
The human conditions are beautiful
Just like you my friend.
Always follow your heart
And you will be just fine.

Happy Birthday.

We understand each other, he and I.
Tragedy can do that.
So when I see his eyes shine up a bit...
I look away.
And when my lower lip trembles
He does the same for me.
I know what songs he will need
A shot to get through.
And he knows to let go of my hand
When the sadness comes on too strong.
We are each others memories.
Those really special ones.
Each others alternative
To the loves we once had
Loves that changed us.
We share the same knowledge
That love like that won't come twice.
We don't hope or pray for it.
We don't have to expect it.
So when he kisses my temple and whispers, " It will be ok," I do the same for him.
We hold each other up when the
Balance is lost in our minds.
We are naked and beautiful.
Because there is nothing left for either of us to lose,
Or gain,
Or recover.
We just get to be part of the lonely hearts club band together.
Just passing the time until time passes.
Sharing lonely beds,
Overcooked food,
Knowing gazes,
And pity.
Jigsaw puzzles,
JJ Grey,
And "let me pass," kisses.
We tell the same stories over and over
Because we forget we told them.
I like that.
His cat likes me too.
Shine on you crazy ******' diamond,
And I will shine on you.