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DW Aug 2018
I'm the type to create scenarios in my head
Whether they come true or not doesn't matter
I think about things that could and could not happen
Because I like to overthink
Thinking about the positive and negative gives me a chance
A chance to think about how things could go well
Or a chance to prepare for the worst
Sometimes it may seem like doing this is bad for you
But with my luck
You would understand
How everything is 50/50
It seems obvious but nothing is 60/40, 70/30, 20/80
DW Sep 2018
There are many ways to deal with anxiety
A lot of people fidget with their hands
Bounce their legs up and down
Chew a lot of gum
Stay in the solitude of their own room
Bite their hair or nails
While there's me
I used you to ease my anxiety
You were my nervous tick
Going to you was the easiest thing I could have done
Because you made me so calm
Now I wish you never left
I have separation anxiety now because of you
DW Sep 2018
It's a strange feeling
When you lose someone
Whether they die or walk away
It's all part of the same heartbreak
I'm losing too many people and I don't know how much more I can take
DW Aug 2018
I've dealt with this for a long time
Ever since I was 13 years old
It was something I always did on my own
I struggled with talking to people
Because of the fear within me
Not one person knows how I truly feel
Trust was always the issue
But now I've accepted my demons
And the pain it ensues
One day I'll feel okay
Another day the world is crumbling at my feet
The burden I would leave on my family and friends
Is out of the question
I'm constantly afraid of how they would feel
Since I am the one who is meant to be the strongest
Right now I feel at my lowest
There are days when I feel confidence and glow
Most of the time now there's a hollowness to my soul
My greatest wish is to be able to speak of this
Out loud to those I love
Until then I shall use a different platform
Before I lose my sanity
DW Mar 2018
Complete and utter destruction.
Mentally and physically.
You’ve destroyed me.
I won’t let it get to me now.
But I’m going to forever know, that you destroyed me.
And that’s the one thing that’ll sit in my mind.
The idea that you can live your life without any disturbance of me.
But I have to live mine, with you constantly in my wake.

The thought itself is destructive.
You are destructive,
and I was unfortunate enough
to cross paths with you.
DW Sep 2018
I dream of you in secret
Not because I'm ashamed
But because we aren't how we used to be
So I dream of the you that I knew
The you that made my head spin
Whenever our hands touched
Or my stomach flutter
When you said my name
I dream of you
In hopes you'll return back home
You make me stay awake at night
DW Mar 2018
it's good to not have feelings sometimes
dodging bullets left and right
avoiding heartaches and tears
it's good to have feelings sometimes
getting a warm feeling
for no apparent reason
embracing the light and love
surrounding you

but what if you feel nothing?
what is there to dodge?
what is there to embrace?
how can you just fall into the darkness,
and feeling absolutely nothing?
DW Mar 2018
the city day is overwhelming
but the night is never telling,
sound is discrete
but always neat.
time slips away
and there is nothing left to say.
without thought nearby
there is a heartless sky.
DW May 2019
brown painted walls,
chipped in random spaces.
the tv turned to something he would never watch.
the sound of his snores occupying the room.
the only other sound is the faint beeping
from the machines in other rooms.
each nurse checking in every few minutes.
not that it mattered.
he wasn't getting better.
we were sitting ducks while he sat in pain.
I hate this place.
Written on the last day I saw my Grandfather awake. I accidentally found this hidden in a journal I've been keeping for the past few years. Feeling sad, but it is what it is.
DW Aug 2018
I got out of bed today.
Not because I had to.
But because I felt like I could.
Because today was the day I felt something positive.
I went downstairs and had a glass of water.
Then I went to my room, and cleaned it.
Then I separated my laundry, and ran a few loads through the washer/dryer.
I went into the bathroom and tidied it up.

Simple things that seem like clockwork.
I haven't been able to do lately.
No motivation, no care.
But today I had it.
Today I had the motivation, I cared.
It was something phenomenal I hadn't felt in a while.
Simple but phenomenal.
And to be honest I'm proud of myself for it.
Because for a while, I didn't think I'd ever feel like this again.
DW Mar 2018
the tears will dry
the heartaches will fade
the pain will go away
time will slow down
and everything
will feel still
and you will feel at peace
I promise.
DW Mar 2018
seeing my grandmother cry herself to sleep
because she had to bury her lover 6 feet deep

a feeling that makes me cry myself
I never thought I'd have to feel
my poor grandmother feels so alone
I would do anything to help her heal

she wakes up each morning
completely in ignorant bliss
forgetting about the sobs in her sleep
without her husband's goodnight kiss

moving around keeps herself busy
drinking alcohol every night to make her dizzy

once the thoughts slow down
and her mind comes to relief
she must think about her deceased husband
crying in disbelief

she longs for connection
from the family who still lives
asking them to come around
before her heart gives

living through the days she tries so hard
but she struggles to visit his garden in the backyard

he still lives around their home
leaves his shoes by the front door
she will never be rid of him
her love for him lasting evermore

I wish I could help her
I think about her every day
and how my poor grandpa
never meant to make her feel this way
I wrote this one night after a family party. I had seen my grandmother all happy and drunk throughout the whole party but when she went to lay down and sleep.. I watched and listened as her discrete sobs rose up in her chest and fell down her cheeks. I knew I had to write this.
DW Mar 2018
My hands are shaking
Tears run down my cheeks
How my body is aching
Feeling so defeat

Hold me closer to you
I can feel your heartbeat
If only you knew
How this feeling could be so sweet

Be with me now
It's me who should be afraid
I'm sorry for being so loud
I never meant to push you away

Too anxious to tell you
what's going on
I can tell though
this is what you want

I'm not running away
forgive me now
I'm begging you to stay
The words just won't come out
Probably lyrics to a song that I would never have the musical ability to create. // Run //
DW Sep 2018
I let go of the memories we're supposed to keep
Knowing they hold more sentiment than I like
Because one day I could be just sitting at home
When suddenly I hear a song that reminds me of you
And then the rest of the memories flood in
Without any warning I'll start to reminisce
About what could have been
That are now just old memories
I hate that I can't forget you
DW Mar 2018
I kissed your lips laced with alcohol
and tasted the sweet sensation of
Nothingness and Regret.
The everlasting touch
that would release me from you.
Yet for some odd reason,
I still wanted more.
DW Mar 2018
I remember that day so vividly
The day that I had to say goodbye

A phone call is what woke me up
I knew what it was about
Before I even answered
The tears already started to fall

Driving carefully to the hospital
My heart in pieces
I tried to compose myself
But everything felt uncontrollable

The first person I saw was my dad
I had never seen him cry before
His eyes all red and puffy
Still he led me to the door

Everyone in the room
Tears run down their cheeks
The only sounds I could hear
sniffles, whimpers, "Why did you have to leave me?"

Holding my grandma carefully
Her sobs and cries filling the room
She wouldn't let go
I don't think she'll ever let go

It was time for them to take him
Time for us to get up and go home
I couldn't bare to watch
My poor grandmother let her lover go

We left the hospital
And approached her house
The hardest part of all
She broke down before reaching the front door

We all sat huddled by the couch
Comforting my grandma
But all I could think about
Was how I just lost my grandpa

Days and weeks have gone by
We still visit him constantly
Decorating his grave ever so sweetly
Playing his music, knowing he's singing along

Certain songs remind me of him
Movies and food too
We talked about sharing music
While he shared old war stories

I always wonder if I'll see him again
Or if he's watching us from above
Probably playing tricks on us
Perhaps sending his love

I always think about him, never will I stop
My heart will always cry for him, I love my Papa
DW Mar 2018
I'm making advances
Can you even see?
I'm trying
But will you ever be with me?
I'm reaching out to you
Do you hear my call?

I can see you're trying too
Is this all in my head?
I’m sensing subtle hints
Do you know I want this too?
If this is what you want
What’s stopping you?

The timing might be off
And you might feel like this is wrong
But you feel what I feel
And I feel what you feel
There shouldn't be anything between
If this is really you and me

So please be mine
I won't ask for much
Just for love
Love in your heart
Love on your mind
Love in your soul
Love for me
DW Mar 2018
Everything
is prettier
in the dark.

The lit up buildings.
The moon.
The busy city life.
This room.
Your smile.
The way your body is pressed against mine.
The lies.

But when the sun comes up
light shines upon it all.
Leaving nothing but truth
in its wake.

The boring buildings.
The bright and harsh sun.
The day life of robotic workers.
This place we call home.
Your rouse.
The way our bodies don’t mesh anymore.
The hurt behind your lies.

Everything
is prettier
in the dark.
Until the sun
comes and
shines on its truth.
DW Mar 2018
your thoughts can flow a millions miles per hour
and suddenly it gets quiet.

a silence that eats your insides because you can't explain
the reasoning why.

you can try to choke out your words
but nothing comes out.

everything hurts
and you can't do a **** thing about it.
DW Mar 2018
I saw a light in you
that I couldn't see in myself
and tried so hard
for you to see that
but in doing so,
I didn't realize
you were bringing out
the light in me
that I couldn't see.
How good it felt
for the both of us
to have been shining brightly
together
as one.
DW Sep 2018
I slowly start to break down my walls
Little bits of me start pouring out
Swiftly but quickly into the mind of another
They ponder upon the thoughts
And seamlessly put back together the pieces for me
Slowly they do the same
I pack on more emotions and experiences than I can handle
But I feel the connection almost immediately
Every time we establish that connection
Things slowly get deeper
Then I get more invested
The more invested I am, the quicker I am to get attached
With time, I slowly start to pull myself away from people
It's easier to save myself than deal with the trauma
Even then.. slowly do I build the wall back up
To prepare myself just in case someone else comes along
Just so I could do it all over again
I should really stop building walls for the sole purpose of wanting people to break them down.
DW Apr 2018
I have my favorite smells
Each filled with sentiment
Or the sensation of joy
I can smell them everyday
and go on without interruption
But the smell
that always catches my attention
Is your smell
You don't know it
But your scent is always in my perception
Your cologne
The shampoo you use
Whatever lotion you use
I can smell it
and suddenly the memories come washing over
I can smell you
and only think about you
with nothing else on my mind
until the smell goes away
in some cases it can be gone within seconds or minutes
But sometimes it lingers
and sometimes I wish it never leaves
DW May 2018
I can't eat
Sleeping through the night
is almost impossible
My body feels heavy
Everything that I used to enjoy
seems useless

I know there's a name for it
But I don't want to say it
I can't come to terms with the thing
that I've been dealing with
since I was 13

For fear that no one believes me
I don't want to be seen as weak
And I'm not trying to seek attention
I just don't know what to do with myself

Something is wrong with me
And I'm not sure why
But I don't let it consume me like I used to
So it is what it is
I'm sure I'll get by
a note to self: don't let your depression consume you
DW Mar 2018
I find myself
indulging with tangible objects
- Books,
Movies,
Food,
Music -
because intangible objects like
- Love,
Trust,
Belonging,
Lust -
won’t ever touch me
the way these
tangible objects do.
DW Sep 2018
There's nothing quite like temporary happiness
For little moments, little spurts of time
You feel the fulfillment of your emptiness
As if things will shift and change for the better
But once that happiness is deflated
You have nowhere else to go
Except back to your emptiness
The temporary feeling
That comes and goes
And you're never prepared for it
Nor do you know if that happiness will stay for good
because this is how I'm feeling
DW Apr 2019
I recently went to a party
while my boyfriend was at work

Reconnecting with old classmates
and friends lost with time

They ask all about my life
what I'm up to and where things are going

The first thing to roll off my tongue
is the name of the man that I love

Immediately my heart begins to race
and a million stories rush to my mind

Do I tell them how charming you've always been?
How charismatic you are?

Or do I tell them about all the butterflies
that float around all me when you call me "baby"

Can any story truly tell someone
how amazing a person can be,
without actually meeting them?

The words roll off my tongue
and it's as if I can never stop

I could tell a million stories
each different
and unique in its own way
about all the things
that make my lover
the only one for me
the first time I was able to talk about you to the kids I went to high school with.
DW Apr 2019
I hope you all receive and understand
What unconditional love is
at least once in your love

The kind of love that powers you
Through anything

The kind of love that protects you
From your worst fears,
perhaps even yourself

The kind of love that teaches you
To love yourself as much as
the other person loves you

The kind of love that follows you
Into the darkest corners and
the deepest abysses

The kind of love
That could never be replaced
Or forgotten

An unconditional love
that makes you truly understand
Love.
For the one person that has taught me to love. I love you.
DW Mar 2018
god I'm sad all the time

I don't want to be and I don't mean to be
but I am.

I feel it in my heart
and in the pit of my stomach.

The never ending sadness that just continues to consume me.

There are few moments
where the sadness disappears for just a while
but then it's back.

.. and
even
worse ..
DW Mar 2018
Darkness covered the night sky
and trembled the stars into nothing.
The air blew fiercely with rage
yet calmed with every puff of smoke.
She inhaled
menthol filled her lungs and tingled her lips.
She sighed
a tear rolled down her cheek.
She thought
it was over, but more began to fall.
She was relieved
more than anything.
The weight carried on her shoulders
slowly moved away from her body.
She laughed
as the world slowed beneath her feet.
You
DW Mar 2018
You
I walked outside to see the moon
and I didn't mean to,
but I automatically thought of you
I then began to wonder
if you were looking at the same night sky,
thinking of me too

— The End —